I am Greatly Loved

Sometime in 2015 or so I found this scripture in the Book of Daniel, Chapter 10 verse 19; so I wrote it in my own words (based on another version that describes ESTEEMED as LOVED) on a Post-it and stuck on my mirror.  I wanted to see it daily and be reminded that I am not alone, yet between that year and now, I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain how much I’ve had to deal with feeling completely alone, helpless and afraid. To say it messed with me would be a gross understatement; however this is no longer a sad tale. In all the darkness it never crossed my mind that these words were untrue; I simply believed it wasn’t an experience for me because I lived my life holding hands with fear and self-loathing.

Apart from it being True Words from the Bible, I had actually seen the effect of true love on other people; just knowing you have support from at least one person sometimes gives you wings to fly! To know that whatever you say or do wouldn’t be associated with shame in the mind of that person. There is a line in the movie ‘A United Kingdom’, where someone said about Rosamund Pike’s character “she is a strong woman because she is loved”. There is a confidence that comes from knowing someone is in your corner.

And it wasn’t about external validation; I could be sure of my choices yet still feel like there is no reason for me to be here. I genuinely wondered if this is how life is supposed to be. I had mastered the art of convincing myself that life happens to everyone so they had no capacity to care for me; I had no intention of being a burden, I didn’t think I was that valuable.

I greatly admired Dr Angelou and out of the numerous wise things I had listened to her say, something that stood out for me in one of her videos was when she mentioned, “I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me………I don’t ever feel like I have no help”. She was talking about people who had been ‘rainbows in her clouds’. At different points these words came to memory, even though I didn’t practice it. Then one day, years after first hearing this interview, two interventions from some friends and a chat with my mother, I fully experienced it. I realized I had people, however few who loved me, who refused to allow me stay in my hole, people who have been kind to me (without expecting any form of compensation or return) and I knew that I couldn’t let them down.

I also knew that I needed to bring them along with me as a constant reminder when clouds gathered because that happened frequently. I wasn’t relying on them for my happiness or progress; that was a separate and very personal journey. But it was truly important that I recognized that God allowed me to experience the little note on my Post-it through them; I knew I had to get up and be that person for some other people too.

So this is me telling you, you reading this, that “you are greatly loved. You may not always remember or feel that way but know that you’re highly esteemed in someone’s eyes. There are people who genuinely want you to succeed and be happy. And when you find them, be grateful for them. Above all these, there is a God and His Love for you can’t be compared to any other.”

In Love and in Light

A few years ago I experienced somethings that I could best describe as darkness; one day in this period I was asked to pray in a gathering and I found myself asking God to give us Light, to just flood His light into all the darkness. That was how I felt then, and recently the same feeling has tried to return.

I say tried because I have learnt and grown enough to understand that darkness WILL ALWAYS give way to Light and it is my responsibility to ensure this; sitting in a dark room and wishing for light won’t cause it to come but rather I have to walk to flip the switch or at least put on a candle or a torch light or open the windows to cause natural light in.

And sometimes this light we feel we need is simply an awareness; just to know more. I think of the scripture “Hosea 4:6a (NKJV) – My people are destroyed for lack of Knowledge…….” and I know I have been a victim of this, like I have literally just lost because I didn’t know enough due to immaturity, pride or laziness to do what was necessary.

I recognize that sometimes we genuinely have no control, we are overwhelmed, have no form of direction and just exhausted from all of life’s demands but this phase eventually transitions into another one. In reality, you may transition into what feels like ‘another phase of war’ and you wonder when you will catch a break and then after time passes you look back and realise you survived.

I like to document my lessons through different experiences or phases; some take longer that others to imbibe; some I forget and overtime some change or become ‘expanded’.

ü  I have learnt to stop seeing my daily expectations/responsibilities as stressful tasks but as me being consistent in the right habits and activities.

ü  I chose to love me; and to protect my peace and self-worth

ü  I chose to consistently educate myself enough to know who I am, what I desire, what I deserve, what I am ignorant about, what I need to fix and how to treat others.

ü  I know that I have everything I need; don’t be so shallow to limit this to just physical things. I know it’s hard to understand or explain or accept but it is a truth I am learning to embrace. Reach within; deep enough and you will find what you are looking for.

A few weeks ago, I created and posted the image above on Instagram (change my typo from “does” to “those”, sorry I was excited) and in the caption I said “Because this is real life. And sometimes it will be more than one war at a time. Negotiate with yourself because there is ALWAYS enough inside to keep you going! Remember on bad days that you have already been built for this. You'll look back and smile, through the stress, scars and tears, you WILL”

The truth is a few minutes before I did it, I was sitting on my bed, looking out the window totally exhausted and wondering if I would survive that evening! Then from nowhere I started talking to myself……scratch that…….it felt more like someone started talking to me because the voice was so sure of herself, extremely confident, strong and filled with LIGHT; a light that had gotten rid of darkness.

ü  The physical is almost insignificant compare to what we do not see- this deserves its own post.

ü  I am learning to resist being static even in the midst of chaos or fear; I must go on

ü  Joy and Strength are not mutually exclusive- haven’t you noticed when you have genuine Joy you can just function?!

ü  I am never left completely empty or alone or disadvantaged – I ALWAYS have something left; something that will restore or comfort or sustain me to the next point.

ü  Have Courage – this is so vital and is a continuous process of acceptance.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently” - Maya Angelou

2 Timothy 1:7 New Living Translation (NLT)

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”