What do you do when you get what you prayed for?

 

Image from NorthStar Church website

One of my favorite and most relatable Bible characters is a lady called Rhoda. In Acts chapter 12, she joined other Christians to pray that Peter be released from jail. When an Angel set Peter free from prison and he showed up at the house where the Christians were gathered, she was the one who came to the door when he knocked and instead of opening it, she ran away to tell the others. The first time I recall having a 'Rhoda moment', I wondered why I was shocked I received what I had been waiting for.

It’s easy to attribute it to a lack of faith but I realize that while I believe I will get what I want, I feel inadequate to handle it when it comes to me; sort of a fear of how to handle this new thing. What if I can’t maintain this good thing that has come, and I must revert to old ways of lack or life without this gift?

Recently, something I had prayed for and worked hard for came through just as I wanted. I was so stunned; I didn’t talk about it to anyone for a while. I kept checking to reconfirm it was mine. I then began to worry about the changes I would need to make to keep what I had been given. Let me tell you that letting go of the familiar is HARD; I had spent years in a routine that worked for me, and suddenly my boat was being rocked.

I had to admit that life as I operated it would not work for this new gift; I suddenly felt like I had failed. After weeks of sulking, fighting mental battles, and going back to beg God, I was reminded by a friend to be Grateful. Such a common idea, right? Imagine how foolish I felt. And how could I believe I had failed at something I had never done before?

I began to feel better and made a conscious effort to focus on the following:

• No matter how low I feel, I would immediately counter with gratitude, immediately! Trust me, this is an intense mental battle.
• Remember that this was a gift, and my true appreciation would be me stepping up to becoming who I need to be to succeed at this. I may not know how to navigate right now, but I won’t stand in my way so I will learn all I need to.
• Remind me that I deserve this and even when I don’t feel deserving, I have been given anyway so why not just enjoy it? It is alright for me to enjoy good things too.

I am still on the journey to believing I deserve the good I desire, I am thankful for the resilience and discipline to keep going, and I look forward to more Rhoda moments.

Back to Writing and I am Grateful

 

I feel like I betrayed myself for not writing as long as I did. I have so many half-written pieces on my devices, but after months of procrastinating, I am back AGAIN!

I have no plans to be deep- I just want to write and put my thoughts on paper – to feel like I am pulling and loosening the ball of thread inside me. I will write because I enjoy it; I can only get better at writing if I keep writing; therapy reiterated it; and maybe there will be lessons that will be someone’s cup of tea.

So, I resume here on a happy note: focusing on things I am grateful for. About a month ago, I was contemplating if I am genuinely appreciative. If someone did something for me, I would be truly grateful (and mostly shocked that something was given to or done for me). However, I hardly stop to intentionally express gratitude for the seemingly little things that may or may not include others.

Toast-Bread: One early afternoon, I attempted to make myself brunch and decided to toast my bread. While I waited for what I had on the burner to be ready, I dipped a piece of my toast bread in a leftover veggie stir fry before taking a bite, and no jokes, the thought that crossed my mind was “the person who discovered that we could toast bread deserves to be in heaven!” – I mean it is only fair that they are. Yes, I am truly grateful for Toast Bread.

Dry clean floors: this is why bleach is one of my favorite things.

Freshly done pedicure: this is a love language on its own.

Dark chocolate bar: I almost can’t enjoy any other type of chocolate.

Amala when I am hungry and really craving it. The stew was cooked on coal so it has that wood aroma but is so tasty with countless pieces of soft meat. I am eating in amazement and joy, thinking “God what manner of enjoyment is this!”

When I sleep soundly without dreaming or waking up several times (if you have any form of sleep challenges like me, you will understand this)

Full Yoruba Owambe: when I am close to the host so that my table is flowing with milk and honey. The live band must have rehearsed with angels because what is this Heaven-approved praise music making my head swell?

Navy Blue – the color. Just know this color will play a part in my wedding.

Hitting a PR at the Gym: I am looking at this weight and wondering whose hulk Hogan uncle will lift it and then I actually complete the set without breaking a bone or convulsing. The Pride!!

Laughing with my sibling(s): On the night of my father’s funeral, I sat with my siblings and a few loved ones outside the hotel we lodged. We were eating and having a great conversation about everything, and smack in the middle of a laugh, I looked up and realized I was extremely grateful, I almost cried! And then I recognized that there had been other moments like that where life is being what it is; I may be having just a momentary laugh and I would suddenly see that God is good to me because I can still laugh genuinely. Amid pain- something CAN be funny!

Writing: when I start and finish something.

So, cheers to me writing more and may we always recognize things to be grateful for.

Mutation

The transformation can be sudden

Or it may be subtle that you don’t even realize what’s happening to you

You become a different person.

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism; succour for the suffering

You may not have any control

Most times it’s absolutely necessary because life had to shift

And it could not have happened with your permission.

Not everyone will see it though;

Often you struggle to remain the same person

It can get exhausting.

Holding on to a version of you that died, a version you are familiar with.

How do you learn to grow when you are already an adult?

I used to say some people never recover from some experiences,

Now I fully understand what that means.

Pain alters you.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing but I am grateful……

Truly that’s all I possess….the ability to just look around me and be grateful.

And then maybe have the courage to hope that if I wake up tomorrow, it will be better.

Just embrace it

So it’s almost my birthday and because it is supposedly a ‘milestone’ age a lot of people have been asking me what is happening or how I feel and the likes.

Honestly, I do not know; I do not feel bad or scared and as usual I feel no extra excitement to make noise about it and the likes. I do hope to receive gifts though so my wish list is available.

I have been thinking a lot lately (which honestly is something I do excessively anyway) and one thing I do know is that I am old- not in a bad way but I am aware that I have aged not necessarily because of the number of years I have spent on earth but the quantity of things I have experienced and I know.

Maybe in an attempt to trivialize this growing old/entering my thirties matter, I told myself that it was just my body entering its 30^th year and wondered how a 30 year old ‘body’ should look. But it occurred to me, that to have spent that number of years on this dusty earth mehnnn I am doing ok oh! Really like count 30 years of food (good and bad), water, tears, laughter, pain both physical and emotional, dirt, rain, sun (killer heat), cold, hunger, illness and injuries, medication, human beings’ lies, deceit and disappointments, contact with other bodies, near death experiences &struggles and the list just goes on and on and on; I cannot help but be grateful to God because I know people whose bodies didn’t get the chance to celebrate 30 years on earth.

As humans we have been blessed with the gift of ‘mending ourselves’ and that consoles me at such a time as this, Lol!

I have no birthday blues and I have no intentions of letting anything or anyone upset me; truth be told there are a lot of things that I do not yet know and I do not yet have however I am grateful because it could have been worse.

I recognize that I existed before my body and when the body’s time here is up, she shall go and part ways with me who existed before her.

One of my favorite movies is “Death becomes her” starring Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn (google is ya friend if you do not know it) and I must admit I do not blame them for trying so hard to remain youthful and beautiful forever; you have no idea how scary it is to watch your body try to catch up with the being who existed before you. I have never been one to hide my age yet you don’t know the joy I feel when I ask people to guess my age and they call a figure younger than I am – whether they are lying or not, I believe them! Finish!

My birthday 2 years ago, a friend of mine prayed for me that I will age gracefully, my mind, my health and physical appearance; it was such a sincere prayer I think I believed he genuinely cared for me after that day and I also believed his best wishes for me without a doubt.

But unlike Meryl and Goldie’s characters in the movie, I know there is more to life than physical appearance so I am grateful that there is still a streak of vanity in me: that I have the luxury of thinking of my looks and I am not a victim of some of life’s unfortunate events like homelessness, hunger and mental instability which would have rendered me so low that how I look would not even be a thought!

So today I celebrate life and I celebrate the gift of aging!

*** the first image is a card I fell in love with and had to buy

Hey you

You need to get it together; because there is nowhere else to go but up

Aren’t you tired of being down? What else is down there for you?

No one understands again because they all got up and left you there.

You forget so easily and that is your greatest problem; your mind….

And how you allow yourself believe so many lies.

No force in this universe is on your side until you show who the boss is.

You think ‘they’ are considerate of how much you have going on? Trust me if you succumb to the pressure and give up, that works just fine because that’s one less great person to deal with.

Learn to mend yourself because nothing external can fix you; it starts from within.

DECIDE to have Courage! That’s the foundation for consistency.

In spite of fear, challenges and setbacks, GET BACK IN THE LANE!

What do you think you are here for? Why do you think you haven’t taken your last breathe?

There is MORE than how you feel right now.

Why are you waiting for help? It won’t come because you don’t need it,

You need to stop being sorry for yourself and rise out of your head.

Adversity will come; people will take you for a fool sometimes because your heart is good; they will steal from you under the guise of familiarity; they will say and do things that hurt; they will leave you and with all your good intentions you may sometimes reap evil instead.

But STAND; Stand STILL and be SURE of who you are,

Because you are ENOUGH!

You are ENOUGH; good the way you are and it is NO fault of yours when people behave badly, it is a reflection of themselves and their experiences and NOT yours so you don’t have to deal with that. Your looks, your knowledge, your laughter, your talent, your heart is and will be enough; not for everybody though but be aware and accept that it is enough.

Some people will never like you or accept you and that is FINE! This is painful especially since you may like them, or trust them or believed they have something to offer you; male or female relationships?! Let it go if it is causing stress and not peace or progress.

Regardless of what you experience do NOT be selfish, greedy or inconsiderate; they are some of the worst flaws and do NOT make you feel better about yourself.

Be careful how you make people feel; you may genuinely be better than them but only because you are to help them! Never feel the need to make fun of others or make them feel less than they are; NO ONE including you on your most confident day likes to feel or be treated low or with no regard.

And ‘learn’ how to forgive…..I say learn because I know this is one of the hardest things to do. Most of the time we think we have forgiven a hurt but we haven’t so we let go of people but not let go of the events when it should be the other way round. Also learn to forgive yourself, because everything you did you knew, and your choices brought you to where you are now but as long as it didn’t kill you then you have been blessed with the chance to fix or change things.

Contentment and prudence are keys to peace when it comes to finance and material things; I’m not saying you shouldn’t desire more but beyond self-comfort, understand your motive.

There is no greater magnet for MORE than Gratitude: even the universe will fight in your favor when you constantly express sincere gratitude for ALL you already have.

There will be more to learn simply because your experiences will make more lasting impressions than my words……..and when that still, sure, all-knowing voice speaks please listen, HE is never wrong, never! HE doesn’t even know how to be. 

#Teamgrateful

Recently I’ve been fighting battles that I don’t think I deserve or fought before and “ain’t nobody gat time for that!”; some are supposedly trivial while others are testing my sanity. In the midst of it, a friend of mine asked that I join her and some other ladies in an exercise called ‘#team grateful’; where we make a list of things we’re grateful for everyday for roughly 2 weeks.

To be honest the first few days weren’t easy, I didn’t even remember to make the list and I just sat down, maintaining my position as CEO complaints commission. But one day, I can’t even remember what I was doing but what came to mind was “God thank you for male attention!” It was a funny thing to think about but it dawned on me then that I hadn’t really participated in the Gratitude exercise I signed up for. You may think being grateful for male attention is vain but to me it isn’t; I was really grateful that I still had a sense of humour.

So I decided to make a list of things that I’m grateful for; whether random, funny, serious, in no particular order and experienced often or not, they have made me smile or brought comfort.

…………Cold water on a terribly hot day (suddenly the water will be sweet); eating hot Ewa agoyin (Beans) and plantain/sweet potato/agege bread; watching a sincerely awesome movie (my toes don’t touch the floor from the excitement& suspense); finding money in a corner in my wallet or pocket (I cried once when this happened to me, Lol. Couldn’t believe God’s goodness) or when a debtor pays when I’m broke.

When people pay me compliments about my skin, lipstick, eye brows or weight loss (I do cartwheels in my mind); when I accomplish everything on my daily or weekly to-do list; having the courage to look out the window of an airplane (I’m currently winning the war against the fear of flying); starting and FINISHING a project.

Friends who annoy me; being an aunty; that I can open my heart to remain hopeful and move on; being able to laugh even when something painful happens (my phone was stolen recently and my former self would have had a fit, heart attack and become a grouchy monster but this time from the moment it happened I started singing to myself to let it go).

To have the ‘luxury’ of worrying about my weight; I’m sure at least one person in the world genuinely loves me; that I’m healthy and most importantly that it is my birthday and I KNOW I’m going to have an AMAZING DAY! My last birthday I put up a post about getting rid of Birthdayblues and believe me, I’ve grown even more within the past year and I most definitely won’t be dull in anyway today! And for this positive spirit as I’m blessed with a new year, I’m MOST grateful!

 

***As seen in the image, it would be nice to write that list often.