Is it really you, demon or your ego?

I had a bad day today, one of those ones you just lie down most of the day and paint the worst possible scenarios of your life; it took prayer, motivational and happy YouTube videos and lunatic looking self talk to snap out of it! I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone because I didn’t want to pretend I was happy and it didn’t help too that all my devices had low battery most of the day. But I decided there was no need, I STILL won’t achieve anything if I stayed low and down.

After sometime, I became proud of myself because there was a time I would have nursed this moodiness and blamed the world and would have held on to the bad attitude as if it were a trophy or something to be proud of. I have been at the receiving end of people’s moody behaviour and it is not a good place to be in, especially if it is a loved one, you would want to tell them to go to hell but you love them and because you care about whatever relationship you have with the person, you hold your tongue and help them come out of it or you step back and pray they come out soon enough.

One thing I have also experienced is people who get angry when I am in a mood; if you cannot be considerate and do what I stated above then by all means GET OUT!! Even though I would admit some people get moody for no apparent reason, don’t make it worse. This is not about you, I cannot be thinking of ways to heal and also cater to your own ego so please!! Do not be selfish and insensitive, people are going through things they may never be able to fully express. And one thing I have learnt is that, on my own bad day if I decide to relegate my own emotions and help another person, I end up feeling better.

Moodiness is of the devil! I am not even joking, I think it is very ugly especially when you are known for it and I undoubtedly believe it is a display of pride; like why are you nursing a bad attitude often, making people around you uncomfortable and acting like being in a dark place is cool and acceptable or would gain you respect? If something is wrong, talk let us help you. When I do not really know what is causing my mood, I would rather go into hiding like I did today so that I won’t use my own to affect others but some people come to full view or even call you to talk and then say nothing as if I am omniscient!

If you are suffering from depression (uncontrollable bouts of moodiness is a common symptom) which is something I have been delivered from then I sympathize with you and because sometimes you have no control over these things but I know you can be delivered if you want to.

I now believe there is nothing that serious in this life; I mean if you have access to any device and can read this online then you are considered elite in the world with basic necessities available to you. So please believe every form of darkness will give way to Light; you will outlive the shame of that mistake and forgive yourself; you will genuinely smile again; you will heal or develop the strength to deal with and grow through that pain; and you will not be lonely forever but it is up to you to you allow the right people who truly love you into your life and space.

Equation or Experience?

“……It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found……” John Nash

I doubt that I have ever been in love, in retrospect maybe I have been in lust, or in complete delusion, but not sure about love. I mean I don’t exactly fancy anyone I have dated in the past so is it possible that the ‘Love’ I had for them died? Does love die?! Well that is conversation for another day.

I blame this on the fact that I am yet to adequately receive or understand love for what it truly is.

The quote above is from ‘A Beautiful Mind’ a movie about the life of 1994 Nobel Prize in Economics winner, John Nash; I think you should google/YouTube his speech at the end of the movie when he made that statement; for me I gathered that HIS experiences made him conclude that Love, though mysterious and unexplainable actually gives balance and essence to life (and maybe validation for all our hard work).

I wrote ‘HIS’ in capital letter because it was a personal conviction moulded by life’s trials and tests which he survived because he had and experienced LOVE; Love had been a solution, soothing his fears and helping him fight his demons. Love was a first-hand experience of peace after the storm, provider of strength in his weakness and cheerleader when his self-esteem was below zero.

It did not need to be heart racing, stomach twisting, every day beautiful and rosy, we-need-to-breathe-eachother-kind; it was simply an Anchor, a Companion at ALL times- Good and Bad!

I believe in Respect, Friendship, Trust and Commitment; I once told a group of people that I didn’t need to be in love to get married. All but one person thought I was crazy and was only saying that because I was ignorant or cynical. Well I stated my case and we all agreed to disagree.

I’ve seen too many victims of love; and before you start helping me imagine how I have lived a bitter life, no thank you very much, I have had my fair share of disappointments however I am not in any way an ‘angry woman’ rather one open to learn and develop a healthy understanding. I genuinely do not want a perverted view of what I will be sharing with one person for the rest of my life- that’s too long a time to be miserable.

Some may argue that well the character of study here didn’t have all the ‘wisdom’ at the beginning of his marriage/relationship, yes I know but I can bet his partner was already a great supporter, she showed respect for him, was committed to what they shared and she also had faith and believed in him and THEM (mutually and as individuals).

I don’t believe in you waiting for another human being to bring all the solutions to your problems but when you decide to be with someone, definitely you do not want to take a leap into sinking sand; No matter your partner’s own convictions and background, they should bring some level of peace and not stress to the life you intend to share. 

Like I never fail to say, I don’t have all the answers but I try to keep an open mind and my few years interacting with humans have taught me that you can’t make choices based on the butterflies in your stomach because they will die; I have seen that people change; I have seen people genuinely believe they loved someone but didn’t; that most of us are selfish and indecisive and inconsiderate of the consequences of our actions on other’s hearts; that there is a popular expectation/image by the world of what love is however this is the death of most of us and that though there are no rules, we are ever led by our intuitions and innate convictions in matters of the heart yet often fail to listen.

**I genuinely hope we have the courage to follow through when we are shown what to do – in relationships and all life’s events.

**Your opinions matter (most times) so kindly comment ; ) Thanks