I am Greatly Loved

Sometime in 2015 or so I found this scripture in the Book of Daniel, Chapter 10 verse 19; so I wrote it in my own words (based on another version that describes ESTEEMED as LOVED) on a Post-it and stuck on my mirror.  I wanted to see it daily and be reminded that I am not alone, yet between that year and now, I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain how much I’ve had to deal with feeling completely alone, helpless and afraid. To say it messed with me would be a gross understatement; however this is no longer a sad tale. In all the darkness it never crossed my mind that these words were untrue; I simply believed it wasn’t an experience for me because I lived my life holding hands with fear and self-loathing.

Apart from it being True Words from the Bible, I had actually seen the effect of true love on other people; just knowing you have support from at least one person sometimes gives you wings to fly! To know that whatever you say or do wouldn’t be associated with shame in the mind of that person. There is a line in the movie ‘A United Kingdom’, where someone said about Rosamund Pike’s character “she is a strong woman because she is loved”. There is a confidence that comes from knowing someone is in your corner.

And it wasn’t about external validation; I could be sure of my choices yet still feel like there is no reason for me to be here. I genuinely wondered if this is how life is supposed to be. I had mastered the art of convincing myself that life happens to everyone so they had no capacity to care for me; I had no intention of being a burden, I didn’t think I was that valuable.

I greatly admired Dr Angelou and out of the numerous wise things I had listened to her say, something that stood out for me in one of her videos was when she mentioned, “I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me………I don’t ever feel like I have no help”. She was talking about people who had been ‘rainbows in her clouds’. At different points these words came to memory, even though I didn’t practice it. Then one day, years after first hearing this interview, two interventions from some friends and a chat with my mother, I fully experienced it. I realized I had people, however few who loved me, who refused to allow me stay in my hole, people who have been kind to me (without expecting any form of compensation or return) and I knew that I couldn’t let them down.

I also knew that I needed to bring them along with me as a constant reminder when clouds gathered because that happened frequently. I wasn’t relying on them for my happiness or progress; that was a separate and very personal journey. But it was truly important that I recognized that God allowed me to experience the little note on my Post-it through them; I knew I had to get up and be that person for some other people too.

So this is me telling you, you reading this, that “you are greatly loved. You may not always remember or feel that way but know that you’re highly esteemed in someone’s eyes. There are people who genuinely want you to succeed and be happy. And when you find them, be grateful for them. Above all these, there is a God and His Love for you can’t be compared to any other.”

“I am a Bobbi Brown in a Ru Paul world”

The first time I thought of this was a few weeks ago and the line kept replaying in my mind; I had been thinking of my year so far, floating between being proud of my growth and breathing through an anxiety attack due to all I know I still had to deal with. And one of the thoughts dominant in my mind was makeup and my journey in that industry. I have been in love with makeup since I was a child, from about 4 years old I knew eye pencils and lipsticks (my mother's); in Primary school I knew Fashion Fair and Estee Lauder and I buried myself in any Ebony Magazine I could find; I was obsessed with ‘Video fashion’ (and any other programme that showed backstage fashion shows).

Through secondary school and University, I stuck with this obsession and it was true love. And other people saw it too – anytime a family member travelled to another country, I was the one they bought a beauty product for. I imagined being a Makeup Artist in the glamorous world of Fashion and Beauty but for reasons I do not remember now I did not voice out my dream until I was much older and the Makeup Industry had become ‘a thing’ in Nigeria and the world. As I gained the freedom to pursue this career, I went to Makeup schools, got certified, watched endless videos, stayed with the trends and spent a fortune on a still growing makeup collection. Yet,  after a few years I wasn’t happy; I was bored and I wasn’t getting as much Joy as I did when I was younger but I couldn’t figure out why.

I did notice certain things – my makeup looks seemed to always be subtle, on either me or others I just could not seem to get the certain looks the ladies preferred or trends demanded; I started getting really lazy to even wear makeup on myself and friends started paying other makeup artists when they had events while I became the designated go-to girl for free services or Consultation. I was disappointed in them and wondered if they were good people for not supporting me. I mean I went for courses and master classes, bought and read books, I knew products like I know my name but I got no satisfaction and definitely no profits because I wasn’t getting clients as frequently as I needed to in order to remain in business. I was also disappointed in myself and I began to question this dream I always had and even believed I wasn’t good enough to be in this industry.

I also noticed that I had become more interested in skin, facial features and how people perceived themselves as beautiful or not. I enjoyed telling people what to buy and selling it to them more than I enjoyed the process of applying makeup. I struggled with this for years, it was painful to deal with and I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. I believed I had found my path in Makeup but it was killing me. I decided to take a break but it was like being in an abusive relationship, because at the slightest sign or chance of things getting better, I would run back and then something would go off again.

A series of other events took place and I decided to focus on other things mainly self-development related. And that’s when I realised that I had to stop being so defeatist and deal. I needed to know ME- who I was years ago, who I had become and who I desire to be.  I learnt that it is okay if I change my mind about a dream I once had. That I didn’t have to wait for validation from other people who no matter how close they are to me, cannot walk my journey the way I am required to. That their alleged betrayal was a push I needed for a brutally honest self-evaluation.  The most liberating was that it is possible for me to absolutely love Makeup and not be a commercial Makeup Artist; no matter the amount of years and resources spent on this, I have no regrets. My knowledge and passion for Makeup will definitely be to my advantage as I advise and sell products to people.

I still know how to apply makeup when the need or demand requires me to do so but I feel no shame or pressure or anger when someone picks another over me (just respect yourself and do not ask me for free makeup sha). I will wear makeup forever; I will be the cool Grandma in Red lipstick and lashes. And please note this family and friends - I want dark purple lips, winged eyeliner and highlighter (that the Angels can see from a yonder place as they welcome me) on my face as I am being buried. Don’t even play with me else my ghost will come remind you all, Lol!

My point is, it is okay to walk away. There are so many things you will do as you try to find that one thing that brings complete fulfilment however you need to OWN IT! Own the time, the process and even the pain of letting go of what once was. Take charge of who you are and your experiences and do not let anyone use it as a weapon to hurt you. Educate yourself, there isn’t just one or straight way to do something, gain from it or love it! I have learnt to do what I have to do until I can do what I want to do. It doesn’t mean I have lost! This journey of Self-discovery and reclaiming my confidence has even opened my eyes to other enjoyable and profitable opportunities in the same Makeup and Beauty industry. So while I genuinely enjoy the endless colors, the drag and extraness of Ru Paul, in my heart maybe I am the calm- love yourself first- soft makeup wearing Bobbi Brown and to be truly happy, I just needed to stop trying so hard to fit in.

**my use of the characters is not in any way meant to elevate one person over the other. I absolutely love and admire both personalities, so let’s not over think it *smile*. Happy New Year!!!!