One
statement I make often in the place of prayer is “God, Thank You that I have
not lost my mind!” because I know that is quite easy to do. Everything we go through
is a form of contention for the peace that is so pertinent for progress to take
place. The mind is a blessing and a curse; I have died a thousand deaths in my
lifetime because I genuinely felt like that would be a solution to its tumult. In
recent times, I have learnt not to desire this ‘death’ for I see now the calm I
seek is not in death but in ‘control’. I also think that is the difference; the
thin line between mental wellness and illness. This has made me more sensitive
to those suffering mental illnesses (which note are not only those roaming the
streets naked).
I think
it is the minds natural disposition to be unsettled; it also does not help that
there are forces that are by default designed to oppose the harmonious working
of our mental faculties and space. Google says our mind includes “our consciousness,
perception, thinking, judgement, and memory”. And it “holds the power of
imagination, recognition, and appreciation, and is responsible for processing
feelings and emotions, resulting in attitudes and actions.”
I have
experienced countless times, my memory working against my better judgement
therefore I lose a good thing because I convinced myself that a past hurtful
event will repeat itself in my present or future. I have experienced someone
else’s perverted perception of affection and now I have to live through almost
a lifetime of self-loath, blame, shame and regret which has made my
appreciation or acceptance of love queer. And do not even get me started on my
imagination; often diverse, colourful and limitless but I have been told I am
unrealistic and weird which initiates lasting negative emotion so there is so
much ‘FULL’ in me but I cannot express so what am I to do with all that? And
then the attainment of what we conceive success to be; where did that come
from? And why does anxiety or fear take no permission before they sit there and
ruin my life’s every action?
My life
has not gone as planned and I do not know what to do so I pretend that I am
fine. I mean how does one confess to being clueless about everything? Religion
teaches us to be content but even God knows and promises that there is more so
why the disparity? I was told I have to struggle but for what? The work and causes
I have taken up in the past, left me more disappointed and faithless;
discouraged to involve myself in another but I am tired of being stagnant. And
it is hard to admit that I get jealous when I see other people work at
something and seem to impart and succeed so where did I get it wrong?
I am
afraid to be completely unashamedly honest; I am at the risk of being mocked or
taken for granted or labelled. People often misunderstand my genuineness and intentions
no matter the mode of dissemination or how I arrange my words. I see honesty is
now the well painted picture a person replays often enough until it becomes
their reality yet that is not me.
If I
cry, they will call me weak. If I want to be alone, they will say I am a snob or
socially awkward or I have changed and if I just decide to stay in my mind, I
fear the demons I have to fight there so where really is there peace? Sometimes
I wonder what the peace that comes with dying feels like but I am not
courageous enough to take my own life. And I also believe murder is a sin that
guarantees an eternity in hell.
I am
yet to fully attain the ‘control’ I mentioned but I know I am on that journey;
I get the feeling it will be long and my only recommendation for those who seek
same is to get in there and FIGHT!; Fight because your life does depend on it; don’t
let ‘them’ win. Fighting can include facing the demons, the memories and the
thoughts; praying your heart out to God daily; speaking to a professional who
can help; crying and venting then getting over it. But I know that the flip side
of the mind which I called a blessing is its amazing ability to heal itself; to
open itself up to the light that can dispel the darkness of the curse. Only the
mind can heal the mind! Those who have mastered the control are those who are
tuned in more to the Light than the darkness; who recognise when the darkness
comes knocking and no matter the threats, can subdue it by simply staying in
the light.
And so I
pray that EVERY moment of your life, no matter what you are experiencing, you remember
that you already have the power; you can and you will reach for and dwell in
the Light, for that is where peace resides, not perfection but peace! And that
is enough for now
