Mutation

The transformation can be sudden

Or it may be subtle that you don’t even realize what’s happening to you

You become a different person.

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism; succour for the suffering

You may not have any control

Most times it’s absolutely necessary because life had to shift

And it could not have happened with your permission.

Not everyone will see it though;

Often you struggle to remain the same person

It can get exhausting.

Holding on to a version of you that died, a version you are familiar with.

How do you learn to grow when you are already an adult?

I used to say some people never recover from some experiences,

Now I fully understand what that means.

Pain alters you.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing but I am grateful……

Truly that’s all I possess….the ability to just look around me and be grateful.

And then maybe have the courage to hope that if I wake up tomorrow, it will be better.

I will get Flowers

The first time I saw the image above, tears came to my eyes; for those who know me I can be dramatic so I had a moment of dropping my phone and leaning back because it hit me. I saw it on Instagram and though the publisher’s caption was talking about being optimistic, the word that screamed at me was RESPONSIBILITY! It is MY job to do the work to see (receive) what I want.

Very recently I have learnt to do; to do for me! Because anxiety, self-criticism and self-doubt are real struggles I deal with; I would often consider so many other things and people before acting. And it’s not like I have lost my kindness to others, I just learnt to be kind to me too.

I have a practice of stopping mid thought and evaluate why I am feeling some type of way; to honestly show myself the root of that emotion and if it is valid. For me this is part of taking responsibility because I have resolved to heal.

It won’t always be earth-shattering or with fireworks; truth is real progress is quiet, lonely and painful like a seed bursting through the soil with force to reach for the surface as a beautiful flower. I am not sure there was ever a flower that grew half way through the soil and said “I am not doing again!” (Even if there was, don’t be that flower).

I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like it’s just made up of chores and continuous efforts to always feel ready for or certain of what should happen.

I won’t lie and say I don’t understand what the first character is saying; I mean “what is funny?” In these 5 months of 2019, I have been stretched beyond what I thought was possible but I also have an unshakeable conviction that only death is final. As long as I have been blessed with the miracle of life, I will consistently take the responsibility to plant flowers; beautiful flowers so that, that is what I will get. Yes, there may be thorns but that’s okay too.

I will get on my knees, get my hands dirty and do the work, and I am sure God will bless it and give me a harvest- a harvest I can share with others who need flowers too.

Modupe

I saw you today

You were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.

That’s how I will always remember you; laughing!

Lately I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then you will laugh.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my mother never stopped being soft.”

But you had the greatest strength I had ever seen.

I haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief, I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t even know.

The day you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my anchor, you were my reason.

The weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long week but now I have no home.

I am trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.

You never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you wanted the best for me.

My Chief encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you say things like that.

Thank you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!

My birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.

Some things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you were.

90 days ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am yet to hit the ground.

A LETTER

Dear darling,

I have been meaning to write to you for a long time, life has been happening but mainly I have been ashamed and unsure of what to say…….

I am sorry for settling

I am sorry for knowing the right thing and not doing it

I am sorry for accommodating abuse and letting people treat us like we are not great

I am sorry for not being brave even when it was clear that was the solution

I am sorry for being lazy

I am sorry for not believing we could be better

I am sorry for not doing the work

I am sorry for giving in to the lies I told us and lies from others too

I am sorry for closing my eyes to the answers God gave us whenever I asked

I am sorry for abandoning you even when I knew you were relying on me

I am sorry for knowing that the longer I denied ‘our life’ the longer it would take for us to get to that place of being in The Center.

I am sorry for giving in to depression, anxiety and numbness, I really didn’t want to

I am sorry for ignoring you even though technically I couldn’t so I stood with my back to you

I am sorry for stifling our talents and how amazing I know we can be

I am sorry for making us available to be used

I am sorry for throwing away some of our blessings

I am sorry for being so angry

I am sorry for not holding on to God with two hands and heart

I am sorry for being a Yoyo; inconsistent and lacking disciple

But I am Grateful……….

Grateful for the darkness; I can now navigate through it even with little light

I still don’t have it figured out but I think I am more in control

I think this because I tell myself the truth now

I let us grow through the emotions because I am experienced enough to know it is all fleeting.

I am Grateful for the pain; it means I am still alive; we are still alive

I am most Grateful for HOPE; Pure beautiful Hope.

Hope makes me look back and say that experience was so okay that I almost welcome it!

I read somewhere that “Hindsight is Thick skinned”, there is no lie there

People say I am strong but they don’t know the journey to this place.

It doesn’t help that my memory is amazing so I have vivid images of every detail.

It’s easy to rest in shame and self-loathing but I receive enough courage daily to counter these thoughts.

I am Grateful that even though I haven’t figured it all out or gathered all the strength, even though I know there will be future mistakes and I still need so much clarity, I am not afraid.

I am now reminded every moment that we possess the ability to handle.

I love us and how I can now listen when you speak; even though I am stubborn and rebellious, and my mistakes hurt you, you watch me fall and stay in the dirt with me until we rise up again.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not letting me kill you when I convinced myself that was the best option.

Thank you for standing tall with an armor; for being the armor sometimes.

THANK MY DEAR DARLING.

A letter to me, a letter to the girl I used to be, a letter to the woman I was supposed to become, a letter to my soul, a letter to the part of me that is in sync with God.