I will know what to do

I like to scribble, especially when I feel overwhelmed and this eventually leads me to writing and pouring out what’s on my mind on paper. Most times it may not be coherent to anyone who reads it because I just let it out and ‘edit’ later but it makes me feel like my concerns are easier to handle.

I think I have consistently done this more in the past few months than any other time in my life; a few weeks ago, I decided to re-evaluate what I really wanted, to make me feel more confident about myself and my goals. I needed clarity yet I was more confused than before so I decided to think of things I didn’t want to permit or express in my life anymore.

-         I will no longer feel sorry for myself; I am my worst critic and I often forget how far I have come.

-         I will not dwell in that place of questioning my ability to make my life better.

-         I will not accept defeat; I used to give up too easily and that has got me nothing I like.

-         I will not allow myself mourn an irreversible loss beyond the necessary period of time.

-         I will not be shy to talk to someone that I admire or desire to learn from.

-         I will stop being jealous (though this was hard to admit) rather I would emulate their steps to success or work out mine.

-         I will stop procrastinating; I learnt this happens from a place of fear of failure and not laziness.

-         I will stop giving certain people my time; A LOT of people do not deserve it and this is not being proud, this is me being aware of my worth and how precious time is.

-         I will no longer stay in hiding; all I require will not come and meet me in my room.

-         I will not keep quiet; this is tricky but I realised in recent time that The Spirit has been helping me talk at the right time and say the right things. People do take your silence for consent or weakness; the idea is to have a balance.

-         I will say NO and will not feel guilty.

-         I will not allow people make me feel bad about things that make me who I am; did you ever have that friend in secondary school or a partner who just has a negative opinion about everything you do? So they judge your hairstyle; your clothes; your eating pattern; the way you walk; the way you breathe??? Making you feel like nothing is right about you? No matter how confident you are, when someone has negative things to say to you all the time it would eventually get to you but learn to FREE THAT TYPE! Let them know their opinion doesn’t matter, and these people are usually the ones who actually need to be fixed.

It seemed I had begun practising some things on the list even before I realized what I was doing, so I decided to be more intentional and hopeful that this will lead me to know the things I do want and go for them with courage.  I know with time, this list may change but that’s okay, which will mean I have learnt my lessons and grown to another level that demands more from me.

I am not my list......at least not really

I am obsessed with lists; it’s a habit I have had for the longest time and with no idea of its root. I always have a notebook or at least a post it pad where I have a list of ‘things to do’; ‘to buy’; ‘to pack’; ‘make sure you don’t forget’; ‘random thought’; ‘things I will like to see or achieve’ and the lists about lists were just endless and frustrating because once I wrote a list, it took up a space in the compartment in my brain labelled ‘Things to accomplish’ and sadly as someone who is driven by results, imagine how I would feel when I did not complete the items on these lists? I was so consumed with the feeling of accomplishment that if I ever did something outside my list, I would feel inclined to write it and then strike it off as an accomplishment for the day.

One day a few months ago, I came across something online about not ‘glorifying busy’ and when I read the article I felt like the author was my spirit; because even though before this day I knew it was a problem I needed to deal with, I could not identify or define exactly what I needed to fix so imagine my shock and relief when someone could adequately put into writing what I could not express.

I decided it was time to take action to fix me; and guess what I did? I wrote more lists on things to do to get rid of my list writing addiction. Do not misunderstand me, I get that it is great to be organized and have plans but not when you are also battling the spirit of procrastination, fear and long periods of no motivation to function! Trust me it was messy and sometimes still gets that way.

I cannot say when I learnt the balance; I am still in recovery but now I know writing and not acting will not automatically make the things on the list go away. I wanted my good intentions and efforts to translate to results and rewards; I wanted progress but there was no way to get that if I had one million lists and nothing to show for it except an untidy handbag and inkless pens.

I still write, I don’t think I can ever stop, that is how I function but now I focus on getting what I want rather than how putting ink on paper makes me feel. I try not to see things as tiresome chores but a means to an end; necessary things that I need to do now that will make my life and the lives of others better; I am also winning my battle with procrastination so no matter how tired I am, I tell myself not getting up to deal now will make things worse and trigger negative effects I can avoid; besides I need to ‘adult’ whether I am in the mood or not. I sometimes ask for help when I truly need to; I also break down my lists into simple achievable goals and then do them regardless of the level of fear that is consuming my mind; what’s the worst that could happen? How would I know what I need to if I don’t try?

So I would keep trying, I may be slow or ignorant or afraid but I will ACT and bask in the  joy that finally my lists will bring the rewards I have always desired and deserved and knowing it was ME who did it!

I wish you a ‘more productive than active’ year!!!😀😀