We sometimes enjoy moments of clarity in our lives; a few
things tickle our fancy and may get us excited for a while but in the midst of
it, we stop and ask “why is all this happening?” or “who am I?” Sometimes, we are
not able to stop and ask so we keep the train going believing it’s a random
feeling and then we pile these ‘feelings’ up until there is this stone, strong
and heavy in our heart and we are not sure how it got there or what to do about
it.
A few weeks ago, I was asked in a public
gathering, “What do you want?” It brought mixed feelings because it’s a question I have
been asking myself for years and even though I did not have the answers, I now
have an idea as compared to a while ago when I was clueless or when every time
I answered that question, the answers didn’t seem quite right or true, even to
me.
I said 1) I want to be in control of my
thoughts- to pay attention to, to be aware of and to be able to handle my own
thoughts. 2) To be able to add value and feel like whatever it is I am giving
out, in any content or form, will add value or make someone better even if
momentarily and 3) to be genuinely happy- I know people will have an opinion
about this point but this is a topic all by itself so until I have the ‘heart’
to talk about it.
I had never rehearsed these 3 points before that
day; in fact when they left my heart through my mouth, I was slightly surprised
but on my way home from that meeting, I thought about what had happened and I was
glad for this woman who was vulnerable enough to tell a room of strangers what
she wants. I realised that though saying these things may suggest that I didn’t
have them presently but speaking them out loud gave me courage to actually go
for what I do want. That I even had the ability to form my heart’s desires into
words was a blessing and I wasn’t going to let the little negative committee in
my head take away my victory.
There are still days I question my desires
because I know that each point has several sub-points and daily steps that need
to be taken consistently to reach a certain height; truth it, these things I
mentioned have to be a part of who I am hence it’s a ‘never ending situation’
and this scares me; because there will be bad days, ooh very bad, bad days and
I will question everything and doubt any ability that I possess but I also know
now not to amplify those bad moments. I have no reference point, director or
teacher, sadly experience is what has taught me a lot of what I know and I
still have scars from those times but I have no regrets. I believe in God and I
know He leads me when I ask Him to but because patience is not my strength and
for years I lived my life based on fear and external validation, it’s a long
and slow road to recovery and trust.
So I ask, “WHY AM I HERE?”
God didn’t create me just to fill space; there
are enough rocks and mountains for that and even they have their purpose. So
while I may not have a clearly defined list of ‘My Purpose’ I know one thing; I
will not cause pain for another. I will take all I have per time, all I have
been through and all the talents I have been blessed with and make life easier,
for whatever period of time, for the next person. It is not an easy task and I
have failed so often especially when I let darkness overwhelm me or I am
uncertain of my channel. But anyone who also struggles with having a clearly
defined ‘purpose statement’ can testify to this; all we truly want is just to
stop being so confused all the time! I am so tired of reading books or going
for meetings and seminars and they talk about purpose like it’s something that
was written on our chests and sent down with us from heaven. Like we really
just want to stop feeling guilty for not being a 100% sure of the exact thing
we ought to be doing for the world!!!
But now I think, how about those in our little
circle of influence; can we be allowed to just cater to those easily within our
reach and then we can grow from there? Even if we have to do one million things
for them and then over time, we learn to narrow down our options until we are
sure. I know it’s good to be focused, to be intentional, to be absolutely sure
but to the person who is not there yet “you are NOT crazy for being able to do
so many things and not sure which one to call your purpose!” And though youth
is an asset and a viable weapon to fight in this thing called life, inevitably,
age and time will even help us with our choices; to strategize in ways that’s
almost second nature to us so we habitually know what to do per time.
I may rethink these words; but I am open to learning
and unlearning and this is all part of my process. In one of the Kemi Adetiba’s
Kingwomen interviews I watched, the lady said “You’re like a book on table of
contents so why are you acting like you’re in conclusion?” I choose to
interpret that as there is time for me to be refined and redirected on to ‘my
path’ (and that is if I am not already on it!) so while my pages are flipped
daily, I choose to live what I want and that’s to “please my Maker, mend myself
daily and add value to others!”
