The Transient nature of Friendship

“Twenty Friends can’t play together for twenty years”, the first time I heard that saying was about 19 years ago in Primary school, my teacher said it in class and went ahead to explain what he meant. I have never forgotten since…..

Every time I lost a friend- whether we stopped talking, just lost touch or someone died, this statement came to mind. Usually I'm sad when I think of it; I have friends from primary school that I sometimes wish we still talked; those from secondary school- times we spent ‘discovering’ who we truly are; then University days when you believe “we’re mature and we know each other well enough to remain lifelong friends”. The painful reality is that people will always move on……

I’ve never been good at keeping in touch with people, a bad habit I tell myself started out of not really knowing how to miss people. I’ve had friends complain and complain but I'm really trying now to change and I have friends who have accepted me like that. There are some who I felt like ‘our time was over’, conversations became tedious and normally comfortable silences became awkward, others we just didn’t have the same mind on things anymore.

I had a conversation with my sister about how certain friends got annoyed if you didn’t give them information about yourself; A gets angry that I didn’t tell her when I went out of the country on holiday; B said I'm not a true friend for not telling him my sibling got married and C claims I always visit D and not him. But I wonder, does it REALLY matter? How much information am I supposed to spread before you believe I consider you a friend?

In life we move, it’s inevitable you can’t decide you’ll be 21 forever, time will pass and age will increase. And as we move, priorities will change, experiences will make some people better or bitter and because I now live out of town can become an issue. Your best friend will get married and become best friends with her husband so what happens to you? You work hard for your money and then realize you have this friend who just knows how to call you for a loan at strategic times in the month or just always owes your business, how do you maintain such toxic relationship? Or you constantly talk about Steve Jobs and he only talks about Wizkid, Davido and Chris Brown at 29 years old?

I had a group of friends in my NYSC days, it just seemed natural that we consciously made time to spend together however slowly but firmly things changed; some travelled for masters, changed jobs, made new friends or had a new life to chase. It hurt for a long time and I wondered why but really it was just life happening! Think about it, if 5 years after, we still remained at the same spot in our careers, dressed the same way or chased the same things won’t we think there was a curse on our heads?

The end of ANY kind of relationship hurts- even abusive ones because you will have at least one good time you shared, and you’ll wonder why things didn’t remain good.

If a friend doesn’t tell you she travelled or she’s dating a new guy LET IT GO! Someone I consider a friend recently got married and didn’t breathe a word to me, I was shocked and hurt but faced the hard truth that maybe we weren’t really such close friends anymore or he wanted a small ceremony and he could do without me at the wedding. Or a close friend that I was on her bridal train had her baby and I found out months after through a stranger……these things happen and if I got angry what would have happened? Would her baby return into her stomach to be born after she has informed me that she is preggers? Let’s be realistic, it hurts but should we strip naked and stage a protest because of that?

Life already keeps us busy and bad experiences are inevitable, why shorten your life further with avoidable and dramatic issues? I believe you should try to maintain good relationships as long and as well as you can, yes we’ll have some people who will be our friends forever but some others won’t.  Free people who are obviously disrespecting you, taking advantage of you, bullying you or are simply possessed; have fun with the friends you have presently; share information that you comfortably feel can be any other person’s business; give people the benefit of doubt until you see they are unrepentantly evil; don’t hold on to offences its dangerous to your heart and peace of mind. And above all YOU be the good friend you can be; a woman I admire said humans always wait for people to love them, but there is no harm in showing love first.

 

The image is a drawing of my favorite comic by Bill Watterson ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ who are best friends.