G.M.A

 

“I cannot believe my children will not meet you!”

This is one thought I have almost every day. I feel bad for them, for the greatness they will miss out on.

I always imagined them in your house, learning from you because sadly I don’t know if I have fully understood how to transfer the awesomeness I experienced through you to them.

This life sha!! So for real for 2 years now, I haven’t called your phone to give you gist?!

It’s the weirdest thing not talking to you, we talked ALL the time. So much has happened and I just want to tell you everything.

Recently, I saw a movie on Yoruba African magic and I shook my head and walked away; it was like an unspoken rule that I only watched Nigerian movies with you. If I watched with other people, it wasn’t half as fun because you ran commentary- laughing, shouting, and judging. And if the character you were rooting for in the movie had any positive encounter, you would rejoice as if it was your good fortune.

My new low-budget movie watching partner is M.O and so far she is doing a good job of making me shake my head, LOL!

As I said before, I honestly don’t know what I have done without you these past years. I am sure my siblings feel the same way and I worry about them.

I remember a few hours after you transitioned, I was walking on the road and I saw myself put on armor; like a new journey just began and I was being adorned with the tools for war. Mehnnn!! I don’t know the words to use but just know that I have grown; your kids have all grown! There are so many things I understand better now, and I can’t help but hear your voice telling me things like not to get weary in prayer or to be patient and always “do my own for God!” See ehn, you were a child of God, I can’t even lie! Because if they leave me to roam, I will kill people. Somethings happen and I will be like “this is what Modupe was saying oh!”

I miss you oh! You are the absolute love of my life! I don’t think I will heal from this heartbreak; I am just learning to live with it. I think about you even when I am not thinking, you are like this permanent subconscious event that is stuck with me forever.

My life was altered when you passed; NOTHING could have prepared me for it. Sometimes I feel like maybe it didn’t happen. But it did!

One thing I am most grateful for is that, even in those moments when the wave of grief feels like it is going to stop my heart, I am comforted knowing you are at peace, in a better place away from all the negativity in this world. One day, M.O said, “It’s the person who has passed away that is enjoying!” And I completely agree, I love you enough to release you into enjoyment; that’s okay for me! So keep enjoying my darling!

I am Greatly Loved

Sometime in 2015 or so I found this scripture in the Book of Daniel, Chapter 10 verse 19; so I wrote it in my own words (based on another version that describes ESTEEMED as LOVED) on a Post-it and stuck on my mirror.  I wanted to see it daily and be reminded that I am not alone, yet between that year and now, I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain how much I’ve had to deal with feeling completely alone, helpless and afraid. To say it messed with me would be a gross understatement; however this is no longer a sad tale. In all the darkness it never crossed my mind that these words were untrue; I simply believed it wasn’t an experience for me because I lived my life holding hands with fear and self-loathing.

Apart from it being True Words from the Bible, I had actually seen the effect of true love on other people; just knowing you have support from at least one person sometimes gives you wings to fly! To know that whatever you say or do wouldn’t be associated with shame in the mind of that person. There is a line in the movie ‘A United Kingdom’, where someone said about Rosamund Pike’s character “she is a strong woman because she is loved”. There is a confidence that comes from knowing someone is in your corner.

And it wasn’t about external validation; I could be sure of my choices yet still feel like there is no reason for me to be here. I genuinely wondered if this is how life is supposed to be. I had mastered the art of convincing myself that life happens to everyone so they had no capacity to care for me; I had no intention of being a burden, I didn’t think I was that valuable.

I greatly admired Dr Angelou and out of the numerous wise things I had listened to her say, something that stood out for me in one of her videos was when she mentioned, “I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me………I don’t ever feel like I have no help”. She was talking about people who had been ‘rainbows in her clouds’. At different points these words came to memory, even though I didn’t practice it. Then one day, years after first hearing this interview, two interventions from some friends and a chat with my mother, I fully experienced it. I realized I had people, however few who loved me, who refused to allow me stay in my hole, people who have been kind to me (without expecting any form of compensation or return) and I knew that I couldn’t let them down.

I also knew that I needed to bring them along with me as a constant reminder when clouds gathered because that happened frequently. I wasn’t relying on them for my happiness or progress; that was a separate and very personal journey. But it was truly important that I recognized that God allowed me to experience the little note on my Post-it through them; I knew I had to get up and be that person for some other people too.

So this is me telling you, you reading this, that “you are greatly loved. You may not always remember or feel that way but know that you’re highly esteemed in someone’s eyes. There are people who genuinely want you to succeed and be happy. And when you find them, be grateful for them. Above all these, there is a God and His Love for you can’t be compared to any other.”

Food = Love

A while ago I woke up to one of those mornings where you just have to constantly psyche yourself to get through so as I sat on the trip to work I decided to focus on the things that make me happy.

As I went through various mental experiences, I settled on food and I caught myself smiling and thinking “food is love”……like seriously an almost perfect expression of love is feeding the other person! Lol

I know I am being judged right now but let me give an example; a few years ago, there was this guy who liked me, he used to make me laugh and genuinely care about my wellbeing but one thing he did that stood out was the fact that he always tried to feed me: if I went to his house it felt like a banquet; if we planned to hang out he would appear with food or initiate an opportunity to get food and not just boring food oh – steak, Chinese food, healthy options too like salads and fruits. Well what else would I call this but a sincere display of love to me! (and it wasn’t juju, stop thinking far)

By the way, it is not only this guy who showed me love through food- I have some awesome friends who cannot hear that I am hungry! Food will sha come out! No matter how cash strapped we are or where we find ourselves we will get food and eat. I have had a friend bring food to me at midnight before because I had to work over night; he brought me delicious home cooked meal. And to prove that I am not the only one who thinks food is an expression of love, some of our other friends believed we were having a coded romantic relationship because he got up from his comfortable bed to bring me food at night! Hahaha!

Really though Food is love, food is loyal and food brings comfort!

Some people may not understand this because we do not often come across people who are genuinely selfless; people hardly give innocently and have perverted  even things as supposedly random as food (which by the way is NOT random at all) The stomach does lead to the heart!

While I was shown love through food, I have also had people who showed me manipulation through food- even the Bible in Proverbs warns us about collecting food from a selfish person because they will never make you forget it. Please ehn I appreciate good food and I refuse to let anyone spoil it for me! Let nothing hook my throat so I don’t want, Thank you!

This line of thought led me to how food can be a metaphor for any type of supply and sometimes people begin to feel the need to take credit and lord over your life when truly God simply used them as a channel to bless you. ‘They’ now make it difficult for some of us to know how to receive without feeling indebted, belittled or undeserving of favours.

Please note that Kindness is not over rated, it still heals hearts; and you do not have to expect reward or reverence when you help another. And to the recipients, while you are enjoying food and favours, please think about paying it forward in whatever capacity you are able to; sometimes just decide to be the person that makes someone feel loved because you fed them.

Equation or Experience?

“……It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found……” John Nash

I doubt that I have ever been in love, in retrospect maybe I have been in lust, or in complete delusion, but not sure about love. I mean I don’t exactly fancy anyone I have dated in the past so is it possible that the ‘Love’ I had for them died? Does love die?! Well that is conversation for another day.

I blame this on the fact that I am yet to adequately receive or understand love for what it truly is.

The quote above is from ‘A Beautiful Mind’ a movie about the life of 1994 Nobel Prize in Economics winner, John Nash; I think you should google/YouTube his speech at the end of the movie when he made that statement; for me I gathered that HIS experiences made him conclude that Love, though mysterious and unexplainable actually gives balance and essence to life (and maybe validation for all our hard work).

I wrote ‘HIS’ in capital letter because it was a personal conviction moulded by life’s trials and tests which he survived because he had and experienced LOVE; Love had been a solution, soothing his fears and helping him fight his demons. Love was a first-hand experience of peace after the storm, provider of strength in his weakness and cheerleader when his self-esteem was below zero.

It did not need to be heart racing, stomach twisting, every day beautiful and rosy, we-need-to-breathe-eachother-kind; it was simply an Anchor, a Companion at ALL times- Good and Bad!

I believe in Respect, Friendship, Trust and Commitment; I once told a group of people that I didn’t need to be in love to get married. All but one person thought I was crazy and was only saying that because I was ignorant or cynical. Well I stated my case and we all agreed to disagree.

I’ve seen too many victims of love; and before you start helping me imagine how I have lived a bitter life, no thank you very much, I have had my fair share of disappointments however I am not in any way an ‘angry woman’ rather one open to learn and develop a healthy understanding. I genuinely do not want a perverted view of what I will be sharing with one person for the rest of my life- that’s too long a time to be miserable.

Some may argue that well the character of study here didn’t have all the ‘wisdom’ at the beginning of his marriage/relationship, yes I know but I can bet his partner was already a great supporter, she showed respect for him, was committed to what they shared and she also had faith and believed in him and THEM (mutually and as individuals).

I don’t believe in you waiting for another human being to bring all the solutions to your problems but when you decide to be with someone, definitely you do not want to take a leap into sinking sand; No matter your partner’s own convictions and background, they should bring some level of peace and not stress to the life you intend to share. 

Like I never fail to say, I don’t have all the answers but I try to keep an open mind and my few years interacting with humans have taught me that you can’t make choices based on the butterflies in your stomach because they will die; I have seen that people change; I have seen people genuinely believe they loved someone but didn’t; that most of us are selfish and indecisive and inconsiderate of the consequences of our actions on other’s hearts; that there is a popular expectation/image by the world of what love is however this is the death of most of us and that though there are no rules, we are ever led by our intuitions and innate convictions in matters of the heart yet often fail to listen.

**I genuinely hope we have the courage to follow through when we are shown what to do – in relationships and all life’s events.

**Your opinions matter (most times) so kindly comment ; ) Thanks

Olivia Pope is a Liar

……….and so is Trey Songz

PLEASE! Men and women, there is no Love like the type Olivia and Fitzgerald claim to share. A lot of people believe if it doesn't cause you heart wrenching pain, take you on a wild emotional roller coaster, make you scream, wail, promise to set all humans ablaze until you are physically exhausted and doubt you can live life without the person then it is not true love! Love shouldn't feel like a continuous heart attack please.

This is why a lady will watch a man she is dating, marry another woman but he still comes back to her claiming she is the one he loves and needs so she settles for 2^nd place and even though he treats her like number 1, it doesn't change her status to ‘Mrs’ and she is left being loyal to nothing; and yet the one he doesn’t love produces child after child while you agree to abort the child ‘conceived by mistake’ because it would be “controversial to have a child with her now and what would people say?” Is that righttt?

Love is NOT that hard, dramatic or volatile! It’s not a concept or stray idea you can manipulate or claim to innovate to suit society’s imaginations. Fitzgerald doesn’t love Olivia Pope (neither does she love him) and just because they have been hooked on each other for years doesn’t mean women out there should hold on to hope that the man they love ‘would come home’ Wake up Darling! Writers have got you all twisted around their imaginative fingers and while your lives get ruined, they get more cash in the bank.

This isn’t about the women alone, when you hear or experience some cases and you can’t help but wonder if the man is bound by a spell. 

Because you’ve known each other for years, the sex is great, you’re comfortable with each other, you hang out sometimes and you think alike doesn’t mean ZIT if there are many other things wrong. It may have worked for some couples but are they happy? And do you think it is ok to agree to a forever with someone you’ve given everything and gives you nothing back? And you have your heart in your mouth every time because you fear they can get up and walk away from you and your life will be all over.

Like I always say, I don’t have all the answers and I would never claim not to have been stupid in the past about what I thought love was however I choose not to be ignorant anymore and neither should you. Stop giving people power they don’t deserve and don’t let them spoil your heart till it’s dark, bitter and unable to see the good in the world. If you don’t have a faith that guides you on what true love is then use your common sense and see that SAY YOU LOVE ME + TREAT ME BADLY (consistently causing me pain)= YOU DON’T LOVE ME

C’ est fini!

I forgot I was Beautiful

 

I miss smiling; like a genuine smile that comes from your feet and passes through your body, exploding  through your heart and shows forth on your lips but your eyes carry all the shine; the type of smile that people ask you “what is funny?” or “What is doing this one?” The type of smile that you can’t explain yet you know it in your mind that the sun is shining and that’s good enough for you.

I miss writing; I miss being overwhelmed by an emotion and pouring it out through my fingers, typing or writing on ‘paper’ for others to read and maybe feel what I did too (or criticize me but at least they read it)

**To those who check my blog often I’m truly sorry I haven’t posted in a while, forgive me.

I miss spreading out my makeup, basking in the euphoria of having so much colour and products around me then sweeping my magic brushes across someone’s face; making her even more beautiful. I miss the joy that glows, when she can’t put down the mirror because she can’t believe the confirmation of her beauty in her reflection.

I miss ‘easy’; when I didn’t worry a guy was playing me or trying to waste my time; when I could actually enjoy watching a movie without being afraid of how those two hours could be used for something else; when I didn’t worry that a friend wasn’t loyal; when I didn’t worry about being able to WIN!

I miss being able to enjoy the rain and appreciate how it helps things grow but rather I worry how I would get wet on my way to work because I don’t have a car; I miss being able to eat my favourite things without worrying of the consequences and I miss being able to pray, to think with a clear mind and not be consumed with negative thoughts of my unworthiness.

And although I don’t remember the process but I know for a truth a slow and firm change occurred and stole me away. I allowed life and its inevitable experiences to make me forget that despite all, I AM BEAUTIFUL; me and all that I am about. Not just the physical or superficial beauty but one that can be described as ‘good spirit’.

I told a friend recently “Everything is trying to kill you! Even the person inside you is trying to kill you!” He laughed and didn’t agree but that is exactly how I felt at the time; something was really trying to stifle me and kill me before I was truly dead.

So I’m re-learning to smile and not worry about what the next person thinks of my bent big front tooth, Lol! I’m re-learning that bad situations and feelings don’t last that long except I choose to nurse it and grow it till I can’t control it.

I’m re-learning to simply enjoy how expressing my talents bring joy to others. I’m learning how to enjoy rides in a taxi or commercial tricycle (Keke) because at least I don’t have to walk such long distances (and believe me almost all Keke drivers are ridiculously funny) because I can afford transportation.

I’m also re-learning to get up and DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!! NOBODY is to blame for what did or didn’t work out. To stop contradicting myself; to stop being dramatic about my experiences and to FOCUS on the right thing per time.

I talk to myself a lot more nowadays; I tell myself that I’m doing ok…..actually I’m doing great. If I could just RELAX, know what is right for me and go for that; and above all God loves me; I forget that too often so I settle for what I think is good enough for me, ignoring what is the greatest.

The old me isn’t dead; we’ve met a few times recently and she is still the coolest and a little crazy! Lool! But she is older, wiser, stronger and yes STILL very beautiful with a healthy ego too!

DIY Therapy: What I learnt about Giving

Lately I’ve been thinking about ‘my heart condition’ which inevitably often leads me to think of my relationship with family, friends, strangers and even God. I also wondered if I genuinely know how to love or if I’ve just mastered a habit of being nice, generous and tolerant because I have a conscience or because the world sees this as good and acceptable.

It’s often easier to assume that to prevent constant hurt after being rejected, disappointed, angry, betrayed or disrespected is to keep to yourself and not give people a chance to take you for granted or throw their evil card at you but I doubt that’s the essence of relationships or life! I’ve gone through the ‘cynical phase’ a number of times and I realise that every time I’ve allowed myself sink to this place, I actually lose a piece of me when I eventually walk out of the hole so I’ve learnt that though you can’t avoid hurt, it’s best not to expect it yet let go when it happens.

Few weeks ago I saw the Tyler Perry Movie ‘For Colored Girls’ for like the 3rd and a quarter time (I often skip parts of the movie so can’t really count how many times I’ve seen it). Anyway what kept going through my mind was “this isn’t just for colored girls, this is for the whole world!” Every character had deliberately tried to become numb to all they were going through and most likely promised it would never happen again but the truth is they were hurting and as well had to endure a vicious cycle of painful experiences; giving up their heart, their sensitivity and ultimately a healthy ability to love or love the right way.

All humans, especially women are created with a capacity to express emotion, trying to withdraw or become immune will only help you lose touch with reality and at the end of the day stop you from knowing how to receive and consequently  give the true love we actually crave for in the first place. And when someone wants to genuinely share affection we automatically go into ‘No feeling/battle zone’; eyes on fire, thick walls over our hearts; titanium protective suit comes on and our guns are blazing ready to be fired into the heart of the one who is NOT our enemy!

We can shift the blame to other people and situations; “gave too much leverage in a relationship”, “wasn’t given what I was promised or expected”, “didn’t receive love as a child”, “I have to be strong because no one else will for me” etc. I don’t discredit the effect of these issues on our heart and I know avoiding bitterness isn’t easy however, have we stopped to love ourselves powerfully enough to decide to rise above these issues and make better choices?! I think we ought to stop, then breathe because most of us are dead- we float through our daily routines, with our face set and tough skin, expecting people to accept whatever we throw at them claiming “this is who I am” or believing we’re doing them a favour by even sharing a part of us but we are dead because holding your breathe, being over cautious or constantly expecting negativity is so exhausting, it can kill! You have no idea!

So I’m done! It may take me years but I’m willing to give love than always waiting to receive the limited or conditional version human beings have to offer me; I’m willing to be a source of Joy rather than stay angry at those who want to take from me at the slightest chance. And I’m going to enjoy the genuine love of family and true friends per time because I can’t always control others’ heart condition or intention. But most importantly I’m going to accept God’s love, I’m going to allow Him teach me how to love Him, how to GIVE that love to others, how to make better choices and how to let go of what I shouldn’t be holding on to.

Happy Easter!!!