G.M.A

 

“I cannot believe my children will not meet you!”

This is one thought I have almost every day. I feel bad for them, for the greatness they will miss out on.

I always imagined them in your house, learning from you because sadly I don’t know if I have fully understood how to transfer the awesomeness I experienced through you to them.

This life sha!! So for real for 2 years now, I haven’t called your phone to give you gist?!

It’s the weirdest thing not talking to you, we talked ALL the time. So much has happened and I just want to tell you everything.

Recently, I saw a movie on Yoruba African magic and I shook my head and walked away; it was like an unspoken rule that I only watched Nigerian movies with you. If I watched with other people, it wasn’t half as fun because you ran commentary- laughing, shouting, and judging. And if the character you were rooting for in the movie had any positive encounter, you would rejoice as if it was your good fortune.

My new low-budget movie watching partner is M.O and so far she is doing a good job of making me shake my head, LOL!

As I said before, I honestly don’t know what I have done without you these past years. I am sure my siblings feel the same way and I worry about them.

I remember a few hours after you transitioned, I was walking on the road and I saw myself put on armor; like a new journey just began and I was being adorned with the tools for war. Mehnnn!! I don’t know the words to use but just know that I have grown; your kids have all grown! There are so many things I understand better now, and I can’t help but hear your voice telling me things like not to get weary in prayer or to be patient and always “do my own for God!” See ehn, you were a child of God, I can’t even lie! Because if they leave me to roam, I will kill people. Somethings happen and I will be like “this is what Modupe was saying oh!”

I miss you oh! You are the absolute love of my life! I don’t think I will heal from this heartbreak; I am just learning to live with it. I think about you even when I am not thinking, you are like this permanent subconscious event that is stuck with me forever.

My life was altered when you passed; NOTHING could have prepared me for it. Sometimes I feel like maybe it didn’t happen. But it did!

One thing I am most grateful for is that, even in those moments when the wave of grief feels like it is going to stop my heart, I am comforted knowing you are at peace, in a better place away from all the negativity in this world. One day, M.O said, “It’s the person who has passed away that is enjoying!” And I completely agree, I love you enough to release you into enjoyment; that’s okay for me! So keep enjoying my darling!

Modupe

I saw you today

You were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.

That’s how I will always remember you; laughing!

Lately I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then you will laugh.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my mother never stopped being soft.”

But you had the greatest strength I had ever seen.

I haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief, I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t even know.

The day you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my anchor, you were my reason.

The weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long week but now I have no home.

I am trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.

You never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you wanted the best for me.

My Chief encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you say things like that.

Thank you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!

My birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.

Some things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you were.

90 days ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am yet to hit the ground.