Just embrace it

So it’s almost my birthday and because it is supposedly a ‘milestone’ age a lot of people have been asking me what is happening or how I feel and the likes.

Honestly, I do not know; I do not feel bad or scared and as usual I feel no extra excitement to make noise about it and the likes. I do hope to receive gifts though so my wish list is available.

I have been thinking a lot lately (which honestly is something I do excessively anyway) and one thing I do know is that I am old- not in a bad way but I am aware that I have aged not necessarily because of the number of years I have spent on earth but the quantity of things I have experienced and I know.

Maybe in an attempt to trivialize this growing old/entering my thirties matter, I told myself that it was just my body entering its 30^th year and wondered how a 30 year old ‘body’ should look. But it occurred to me, that to have spent that number of years on this dusty earth mehnnn I am doing ok oh! Really like count 30 years of food (good and bad), water, tears, laughter, pain both physical and emotional, dirt, rain, sun (killer heat), cold, hunger, illness and injuries, medication, human beings’ lies, deceit and disappointments, contact with other bodies, near death experiences &struggles and the list just goes on and on and on; I cannot help but be grateful to God because I know people whose bodies didn’t get the chance to celebrate 30 years on earth.

As humans we have been blessed with the gift of ‘mending ourselves’ and that consoles me at such a time as this, Lol!

I have no birthday blues and I have no intentions of letting anything or anyone upset me; truth be told there are a lot of things that I do not yet know and I do not yet have however I am grateful because it could have been worse.

I recognize that I existed before my body and when the body’s time here is up, she shall go and part ways with me who existed before her.

One of my favorite movies is “Death becomes her” starring Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn (google is ya friend if you do not know it) and I must admit I do not blame them for trying so hard to remain youthful and beautiful forever; you have no idea how scary it is to watch your body try to catch up with the being who existed before you. I have never been one to hide my age yet you don’t know the joy I feel when I ask people to guess my age and they call a figure younger than I am – whether they are lying or not, I believe them! Finish!

My birthday 2 years ago, a friend of mine prayed for me that I will age gracefully, my mind, my health and physical appearance; it was such a sincere prayer I think I believed he genuinely cared for me after that day and I also believed his best wishes for me without a doubt.

But unlike Meryl and Goldie’s characters in the movie, I know there is more to life than physical appearance so I am grateful that there is still a streak of vanity in me: that I have the luxury of thinking of my looks and I am not a victim of some of life’s unfortunate events like homelessness, hunger and mental instability which would have rendered me so low that how I look would not even be a thought!

So today I celebrate life and I celebrate the gift of aging!

*** the first image is a card I fell in love with and had to buy

What do you want?

That is one question a lot of us have failed woefully to answer; we spend day after day which eventually leads to years and we complain and decide that life has been so difficult and we are stuck at the same level and never achieving any of our dreams

Two months in the ‘new year’ have passed and while most of us started the year with a desire to make positive changes, we are still standing empty and slowly getting frustrated but the truth is do we know what we want?

A lot of us will shout “YES” because we have day dreams; seeing ourselves as we drive that nice car or laughing our hearts out at a joke your amazing new partner just cracked or being promoted at work and earning more money however what do you want?

Think about it, how do you want your life to be today? Tomorrow? And the next 4 or 10 years? Do you have a detailed picture in your mind or written in a book? Do the choices you make today in anyway lead you ……anywhere at all or you’re just ‘living in the moment’ and rolling with the days.

I recently went through this painful analysis and I learnt the truth that I have good intentions but that is it! Just plain good intentions for myself, my family, even the company I work and as a citizen of my country however I have no plans! No concrete plans that I have developed, re-structured, been consistent with and seen come to pass. And so I have been angry with myself and my own indiscipline for years but I don’t know why I didn’t do anything about it. I mean I prayed and acted right (MOST of the time) so why wasn’t that enough for my intentions to manifest into reality?

And I came up with the following answers:
- I did not have a clear, unshakeable, convincing vision of what I wanted; yes, I wanted a good life but ‘good’ is vague! And relative too. So even when an opportunity for ‘the good life’ came, I missed it.

- The times I eventually had some sort of plan, I gave up too easily, I wasn’t consistent and generally didn’t believe in myself enough to just fight for what was in my heart/mind.

- I was lazy and lacked discipline; seriously, like for NO reason I can define I will waste time or procrastinate my day away.

- I was afraid and allowed past disappointments to leave me in doubt of my abilities; I just always had a story for why I would fail even before I started and felt like my heart won’t take another break. And sometimes I was afraid because I knew the hard work and consistency that went into maintaining success and progress.

It is one of the most difficult cycles to be in: to know you SHOULD do something about where you are but then you don’t so you end up so mad with yourself when nothing has been accomplished then you sink into this dark place which just makes you  more weary and depressed so STILL you do nothing. It’s like an alcoholic who gets drunk to forget how messed up their life is and then when they get sober, are so disappointed with themselves they get drunk again in order to forget and numb the emotions; it’s just a vicious cycle of pain.

Like the video above (which I unashamedly got from the Notebook movie), we have no idea how badly the people connected to us feel when we are constantly clueless or making excuses; when we just remain static and over time become such angry or dejected individuals and in effect frustrate them too and in some extreme cases lose a loved one because they cannot just keep waiting for us to get it together!

We need to just STOP! In the midst of life’s madness and decide to know what we want. So when things get tough, when you lack peace, when you have no money, when people throw rubbish at you, you can STAND firm and KNOW what you are working towards. Stop blaming your lack of talent or opportunity, those are not even factors that matter.

You can’t keep sending out mixed signals and then expect anyone to trust you completely to deliver! Everyone wants loyalty and consistency; no matter how much they like you, people will be scared that you may bail and then few years down the line you realize you have lost important relationships; it is painful to realize that it is your fault that you are alone.

I read in a book that the “The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.”

So please go ahead and decide what you want! Really think about it, “What do I want?” A ridiculously hard question yet NOT impossible to answer! And when you figure it out as well, you’ll see it is not impossible to attain too!

** God has NOT given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Courage, Love and Self-discipline.

And this is my sincere prayer for you: that you grasp, accept and apply this truth as well as get the strength to follow through every single day! May you not record a loss or mourn because you didn’t get up and get it together, AMEN.