A LETTER

Dear darling,

I have been meaning to write to you for a long time, life has been happening but mainly I have been ashamed and unsure of what to say…….

I am sorry for settling

I am sorry for knowing the right thing and not doing it

I am sorry for accommodating abuse and letting people treat us like we are not great

I am sorry for not being brave even when it was clear that was the solution

I am sorry for being lazy

I am sorry for not believing we could be better

I am sorry for not doing the work

I am sorry for giving in to the lies I told us and lies from others too

I am sorry for closing my eyes to the answers God gave us whenever I asked

I am sorry for abandoning you even when I knew you were relying on me

I am sorry for knowing that the longer I denied ‘our life’ the longer it would take for us to get to that place of being in The Center.

I am sorry for giving in to depression, anxiety and numbness, I really didn’t want to

I am sorry for ignoring you even though technically I couldn’t so I stood with my back to you

I am sorry for stifling our talents and how amazing I know we can be

I am sorry for making us available to be used

I am sorry for throwing away some of our blessings

I am sorry for being so angry

I am sorry for not holding on to God with two hands and heart

I am sorry for being a Yoyo; inconsistent and lacking disciple

But I am Grateful……….

Grateful for the darkness; I can now navigate through it even with little light

I still don’t have it figured out but I think I am more in control

I think this because I tell myself the truth now

I let us grow through the emotions because I am experienced enough to know it is all fleeting.

I am Grateful for the pain; it means I am still alive; we are still alive

I am most Grateful for HOPE; Pure beautiful Hope.

Hope makes me look back and say that experience was so okay that I almost welcome it!

I read somewhere that “Hindsight is Thick skinned”, there is no lie there

People say I am strong but they don’t know the journey to this place.

It doesn’t help that my memory is amazing so I have vivid images of every detail.

It’s easy to rest in shame and self-loathing but I receive enough courage daily to counter these thoughts.

I am Grateful that even though I haven’t figured it all out or gathered all the strength, even though I know there will be future mistakes and I still need so much clarity, I am not afraid.

I am now reminded every moment that we possess the ability to handle.

I love us and how I can now listen when you speak; even though I am stubborn and rebellious, and my mistakes hurt you, you watch me fall and stay in the dirt with me until we rise up again.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not letting me kill you when I convinced myself that was the best option.

Thank you for standing tall with an armor; for being the armor sometimes.

THANK MY DEAR DARLING.

A letter to me, a letter to the girl I used to be, a letter to the woman I was supposed to become, a letter to my soul, a letter to the part of me that is in sync with God.  

Are you really clueless?

We sometimes enjoy moments of clarity in our lives; a few things tickle our fancy and may get us excited for a while but in the midst of it, we stop and ask “why is all this happening?” or “who am I?” Sometimes, we are not able to stop and ask so we keep the train going believing it’s a random feeling and then we pile these ‘feelings’ up until there is this stone, strong and heavy in our heart and we are not sure how it got there or what to do about it.

A few weeks ago, I was asked in a public gathering, “What do you want?” It brought  mixed feelings because it’s a question I have been asking myself for years and even though I did not have the answers, I now have an idea as compared to a while ago when I was clueless or when every time I answered that question, the answers didn’t seem quite right or true, even to me.

I said 1) I want to be in control of my thoughts- to pay attention to, to be aware of and to be able to handle my own thoughts. 2) To be able to add value and feel like whatever it is I am giving out, in any content or form, will add value or make someone better even if momentarily and 3) to be genuinely happy- I know people will have an opinion about this point but this is a topic all by itself so until I have the ‘heart’ to talk about it.

I had never rehearsed these 3 points before that day; in fact when they left my heart through my mouth, I was slightly surprised but on my way home from that meeting, I thought about what had happened and I was glad for this woman who was vulnerable enough to tell a room of strangers what she wants. I realised that though saying these things may suggest that I didn’t have them presently but speaking them out loud gave me courage to actually go for what I do want. That I even had the ability to form my heart’s desires into words was a blessing and I wasn’t going to let the little negative committee in my head take away my victory.

There are still days I question my desires because I know that each point has several sub-points and daily steps that need to be taken consistently to reach a certain height; truth it, these things I mentioned have to be a part of who I am hence it’s a ‘never ending situation’ and this scares me; because there will be bad days, ooh very bad, bad days and I will question everything and doubt any ability that I possess but I also know now not to amplify those bad moments. I have no reference point, director or teacher, sadly experience is what has taught me a lot of what I know and I still have scars from those times but I have no regrets. I believe in God and I know He leads me when I ask Him to but because patience is not my strength and for years I lived my life based on fear and external validation, it’s a long and slow road to recovery and trust.

So I ask, “WHY AM I HERE?”

God didn’t create me just to fill space; there are enough rocks and mountains for that and even they have their purpose. So while I may not have a clearly defined list of ‘My Purpose’ I know one thing; I will not cause pain for another. I will take all I have per time, all I have been through and all the talents I have been blessed with and make life easier, for whatever period of time, for the next person. It is not an easy task and I have failed so often especially when I let darkness overwhelm me or I am uncertain of my channel. But anyone who also struggles with having a clearly defined ‘purpose statement’ can testify to this; all we truly want is just to stop being so confused all the time! I am so tired of reading books or going for meetings and seminars and they talk about purpose like it’s something that was written on our chests and sent down with us from heaven. Like we really just want to stop feeling guilty for not being a 100% sure of the exact thing we ought to be doing for the world!!!

But now I think, how about those in our little circle of influence; can we be allowed to just cater to those easily within our reach and then we can grow from there? Even if we have to do one million things for them and then over time, we learn to narrow down our options until we are sure. I know it’s good to be focused, to be intentional, to be absolutely sure but to the person who is not there yet “you are NOT crazy for being able to do so many things and not sure which one to call your purpose!” And though youth is an asset and a viable weapon to fight in this thing called life, inevitably, age and time will even help us with our choices; to strategize in ways that’s almost second nature to us so we habitually know what to do per time.

I may rethink these words; but I am open to learning and unlearning and this is all part of my process. In one of the Kemi Adetiba’s Kingwomen interviews I watched, the lady said “You’re like a book on table of contents so why are you acting like you’re in conclusion?” I choose to interpret that as there is time for me to be refined and redirected on to ‘my path’ (and that is if I am not already on it!) so while my pages are flipped daily, I choose to live what I want and that’s to “please my Maker, mend myself daily and add value to others!”

Food = Love

A while ago I woke up to one of those mornings where you just have to constantly psyche yourself to get through so as I sat on the trip to work I decided to focus on the things that make me happy.

As I went through various mental experiences, I settled on food and I caught myself smiling and thinking “food is love”……like seriously an almost perfect expression of love is feeding the other person! Lol

I know I am being judged right now but let me give an example; a few years ago, there was this guy who liked me, he used to make me laugh and genuinely care about my wellbeing but one thing he did that stood out was the fact that he always tried to feed me: if I went to his house it felt like a banquet; if we planned to hang out he would appear with food or initiate an opportunity to get food and not just boring food oh – steak, Chinese food, healthy options too like salads and fruits. Well what else would I call this but a sincere display of love to me! (and it wasn’t juju, stop thinking far)

By the way, it is not only this guy who showed me love through food- I have some awesome friends who cannot hear that I am hungry! Food will sha come out! No matter how cash strapped we are or where we find ourselves we will get food and eat. I have had a friend bring food to me at midnight before because I had to work over night; he brought me delicious home cooked meal. And to prove that I am not the only one who thinks food is an expression of love, some of our other friends believed we were having a coded romantic relationship because he got up from his comfortable bed to bring me food at night! Hahaha!

Really though Food is love, food is loyal and food brings comfort!

Some people may not understand this because we do not often come across people who are genuinely selfless; people hardly give innocently and have perverted  even things as supposedly random as food (which by the way is NOT random at all) The stomach does lead to the heart!

While I was shown love through food, I have also had people who showed me manipulation through food- even the Bible in Proverbs warns us about collecting food from a selfish person because they will never make you forget it. Please ehn I appreciate good food and I refuse to let anyone spoil it for me! Let nothing hook my throat so I don’t want, Thank you!

This line of thought led me to how food can be a metaphor for any type of supply and sometimes people begin to feel the need to take credit and lord over your life when truly God simply used them as a channel to bless you. ‘They’ now make it difficult for some of us to know how to receive without feeling indebted, belittled or undeserving of favours.

Please note that Kindness is not over rated, it still heals hearts; and you do not have to expect reward or reverence when you help another. And to the recipients, while you are enjoying food and favours, please think about paying it forward in whatever capacity you are able to; sometimes just decide to be the person that makes someone feel loved because you fed them.

I forgot I was Beautiful

 

I miss smiling; like a genuine smile that comes from your feet and passes through your body, exploding  through your heart and shows forth on your lips but your eyes carry all the shine; the type of smile that people ask you “what is funny?” or “What is doing this one?” The type of smile that you can’t explain yet you know it in your mind that the sun is shining and that’s good enough for you.

I miss writing; I miss being overwhelmed by an emotion and pouring it out through my fingers, typing or writing on ‘paper’ for others to read and maybe feel what I did too (or criticize me but at least they read it)

**To those who check my blog often I’m truly sorry I haven’t posted in a while, forgive me.

I miss spreading out my makeup, basking in the euphoria of having so much colour and products around me then sweeping my magic brushes across someone’s face; making her even more beautiful. I miss the joy that glows, when she can’t put down the mirror because she can’t believe the confirmation of her beauty in her reflection.

I miss ‘easy’; when I didn’t worry a guy was playing me or trying to waste my time; when I could actually enjoy watching a movie without being afraid of how those two hours could be used for something else; when I didn’t worry that a friend wasn’t loyal; when I didn’t worry about being able to WIN!

I miss being able to enjoy the rain and appreciate how it helps things grow but rather I worry how I would get wet on my way to work because I don’t have a car; I miss being able to eat my favourite things without worrying of the consequences and I miss being able to pray, to think with a clear mind and not be consumed with negative thoughts of my unworthiness.

And although I don’t remember the process but I know for a truth a slow and firm change occurred and stole me away. I allowed life and its inevitable experiences to make me forget that despite all, I AM BEAUTIFUL; me and all that I am about. Not just the physical or superficial beauty but one that can be described as ‘good spirit’.

I told a friend recently “Everything is trying to kill you! Even the person inside you is trying to kill you!” He laughed and didn’t agree but that is exactly how I felt at the time; something was really trying to stifle me and kill me before I was truly dead.

So I’m re-learning to smile and not worry about what the next person thinks of my bent big front tooth, Lol! I’m re-learning that bad situations and feelings don’t last that long except I choose to nurse it and grow it till I can’t control it.

I’m re-learning to simply enjoy how expressing my talents bring joy to others. I’m learning how to enjoy rides in a taxi or commercial tricycle (Keke) because at least I don’t have to walk such long distances (and believe me almost all Keke drivers are ridiculously funny) because I can afford transportation.

I’m also re-learning to get up and DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!! NOBODY is to blame for what did or didn’t work out. To stop contradicting myself; to stop being dramatic about my experiences and to FOCUS on the right thing per time.

I talk to myself a lot more nowadays; I tell myself that I’m doing ok…..actually I’m doing great. If I could just RELAX, know what is right for me and go for that; and above all God loves me; I forget that too often so I settle for what I think is good enough for me, ignoring what is the greatest.

The old me isn’t dead; we’ve met a few times recently and she is still the coolest and a little crazy! Lool! But she is older, wiser, stronger and yes STILL very beautiful with a healthy ego too!

DIY Therapy: What I learnt about Giving

Lately I’ve been thinking about ‘my heart condition’ which inevitably often leads me to think of my relationship with family, friends, strangers and even God. I also wondered if I genuinely know how to love or if I’ve just mastered a habit of being nice, generous and tolerant because I have a conscience or because the world sees this as good and acceptable.

It’s often easier to assume that to prevent constant hurt after being rejected, disappointed, angry, betrayed or disrespected is to keep to yourself and not give people a chance to take you for granted or throw their evil card at you but I doubt that’s the essence of relationships or life! I’ve gone through the ‘cynical phase’ a number of times and I realise that every time I’ve allowed myself sink to this place, I actually lose a piece of me when I eventually walk out of the hole so I’ve learnt that though you can’t avoid hurt, it’s best not to expect it yet let go when it happens.

Few weeks ago I saw the Tyler Perry Movie ‘For Colored Girls’ for like the 3rd and a quarter time (I often skip parts of the movie so can’t really count how many times I’ve seen it). Anyway what kept going through my mind was “this isn’t just for colored girls, this is for the whole world!” Every character had deliberately tried to become numb to all they were going through and most likely promised it would never happen again but the truth is they were hurting and as well had to endure a vicious cycle of painful experiences; giving up their heart, their sensitivity and ultimately a healthy ability to love or love the right way.

All humans, especially women are created with a capacity to express emotion, trying to withdraw or become immune will only help you lose touch with reality and at the end of the day stop you from knowing how to receive and consequently  give the true love we actually crave for in the first place. And when someone wants to genuinely share affection we automatically go into ‘No feeling/battle zone’; eyes on fire, thick walls over our hearts; titanium protective suit comes on and our guns are blazing ready to be fired into the heart of the one who is NOT our enemy!

We can shift the blame to other people and situations; “gave too much leverage in a relationship”, “wasn’t given what I was promised or expected”, “didn’t receive love as a child”, “I have to be strong because no one else will for me” etc. I don’t discredit the effect of these issues on our heart and I know avoiding bitterness isn’t easy however, have we stopped to love ourselves powerfully enough to decide to rise above these issues and make better choices?! I think we ought to stop, then breathe because most of us are dead- we float through our daily routines, with our face set and tough skin, expecting people to accept whatever we throw at them claiming “this is who I am” or believing we’re doing them a favour by even sharing a part of us but we are dead because holding your breathe, being over cautious or constantly expecting negativity is so exhausting, it can kill! You have no idea!

So I’m done! It may take me years but I’m willing to give love than always waiting to receive the limited or conditional version human beings have to offer me; I’m willing to be a source of Joy rather than stay angry at those who want to take from me at the slightest chance. And I’m going to enjoy the genuine love of family and true friends per time because I can’t always control others’ heart condition or intention. But most importantly I’m going to accept God’s love, I’m going to allow Him teach me how to love Him, how to GIVE that love to others, how to make better choices and how to let go of what I shouldn’t be holding on to.

Happy Easter!!!