Thursday, 16 February 2017

I will know what to do

I like to scribble, especially when I feel overwhelmed and this eventually leads me to writing and pouring out what’s on my mind on paper. Most times it may not be coherent to anyone who reads it because I just let it out and ‘edit’ later but it makes me feel like my concerns are easier to handle.
I think I have consistently done this more in the past few months than any other time in my life; a few weeks ago, I decided to re-evaluate what I really wanted, to make me feel more confident about myself and my goals. I needed clarity yet I was more confused than before so I decided to think of things I didn’t want to permit or express in my life anymore.
-         I will no longer feel sorry for myself; I am my worst critic and I often forget how far I have come.
-         I will not dwell in that place of questioning my ability to make my life better.
-         I will not accept defeat; I used to give up too easily and that has got me nothing I like.
-         I will not allow myself mourn an irreversible loss beyond the necessary period of time.
-         I will not be shy to talk to someone that I admire or desire to learn from.
-         I will stop being jealous (though this was hard to admit) rather I would emulate their steps to success or work out mine.
-         I will stop procrastinating; I learnt this happens from a place of fear of failure and not laziness.
-         I will stop giving certain people my time; A LOT of people do not deserve it and this is not being proud, this is me being aware of my worth and how precious time is.
-         I will no longer stay in hiding; all I require will not come and meet me in my room.
-         I will not keep quiet; this is tricky but I realised in recent time that The Spirit has been helping me talk at the right time and say the right things. People do take your silence for consent or weakness; the idea is to have a balance.
-         I will say NO and will not feel guilty.
-         I will not allow people make me feel bad about things that make me who I am; did you ever have that friend in secondary school or a partner who just has a negative opinion about everything you do? So they judge your hairstyle; your clothes; your eating pattern; the way you walk; the way you breathe??? Making you feel like nothing is right about you? No matter how confident you are, when someone has negative things to say to you all the time it would eventually get to you but learn to FREE THAT TYPE! Let them know their opinion doesn’t matter, and these people are usually the ones who actually need to be fixed.
It seemed I had begun practising some things on the list even before I realized what I was doing, so I decided to be more intentional and hopeful that this will lead me to know the things I do want and go for them with courage.  I know with time, this list may change but that’s okay, which will mean I have learnt my lessons and grown to another level that demands more from me.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

How will I work out my dietary salvation?

I like food; I like to admire food and relish the amazingness of flavours and colours and tastes. I love beans and plantain, burgers, fries or some sea food soaked in a Mediterranean sauce but I also swing to the other side and would gladly consume supposedly boring healthy options like carrots, cucumbers, cauliflower rice and calorie-free granola muffins.
I like food .......but I AM TIRED!!!
I’m so exhausted I could cry!
I’m beginning to feel like I’m going to some food hell and quite frankly I sometimes think it won’t be such a bad idea. Haba! it is really unfair because I do not even eat (maybe when I am in a party sha and it’s been a while I indulged and my mama didn’t raise me to waste food); most of the time I am afraid to eat or I am too mentally lazy to even decide what to eat but as there is no justice in the world, all I need to do is just dream or look at food and I get fat! Fear won’t let me be great because the way my waist and arms are set up, all the food goes there rather than go into my stomach to be completely digested or below my back *wink*
If it was that I led a completely unhealthy lifestyle now I could take the blame but this has been a lifelong battle. So I can start my day with 2 slices of wheat bread and coffee or fibre cereal sweetened with cinnamon; snack on almonds or an apple; drink 3 litres of lemon flavoured water; have cous cous and fish/chicken for lunch (which often becomes an early dinner) and then BOOM! Someone would just come with puff puff or chocolate biscuits or chips or caramel popcorn or suya!!!!!! Which manner of demon is this?? And nobody should mention lack of self-control to me, thank you!
I looked through old pictures recently and I just started thinking of my life and if this will be an eternal cross to bear; because even if I do the work and lose weight, how would I keep it off? Yes, yes I know “gradual process”, “make it a lifestyle”, “blah blah keep story for tortoise” I KNOW! But developing that lifestyle seems like something in a distant future and I am faithless enough to believe I will fall back into being unfit and unhealthy as I have done several times in the past so is there really redemption?
Today I have no kind words of encouragement; this is me on a rant. I know someone might want to preach to me about loving yourself, Oh darling I do, however today ‘they’ are really trying me and for the moment I have given in.
So you can give me kind advice or laugh gently (at) with me in the comment section, it may make me feel better!

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Is it really you, demon or your ego?

I had a bad day today, one of those ones you just lie down most of the day and paint the worst possible scenarios of your life; it took prayer, motivational and happy YouTube videos and lunatic looking self talk to snap out of it! I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone because I didn’t want to pretend I was happy and it didn’t help too that all my devices had low battery most of the day. But I decided there was no need, I STILL won’t achieve anything if I stayed low and down.
After sometime, I became proud of myself because there was a time I would have nursed this moodiness and blamed the world and would have held on to the bad attitude as if it were a trophy or something to be proud of. I have been at the receiving end of people’s moody behaviour and it is not a good place to be in, especially if it is a loved one, you would want to tell them to go to hell but you love them and because you care about whatever relationship you have with the person, you hold your tongue and help them come out of it or you step back and pray they come out soon enough.
One thing I have also experienced is people who get angry when I am in a mood; if you cannot be considerate and do what I stated above then by all means GET OUT!! Even though I would admit some people get moody for no apparent reason, don’t make it worse. This is not about you, I cannot be thinking of ways to heal and also cater to your own ego so please!! Do not be selfish and insensitive, people are going through things they may never be able to fully express. And one thing I have learnt is that, on my own bad day if I decide to relegate my own emotions and help another person, I end up feeling better.
Moodiness is of the devil! I am not even joking, I think it is very ugly especially when you are known for it and I undoubtedly believe it is a display of pride; like why are you nursing a bad attitude often, making people around you uncomfortable and acting like being in a dark place is cool and acceptable or would gain you respect? If something is wrong, talk let us help you. When I do not really know what is causing my mood, I would rather go into hiding like I did today so that I won’t use my own to affect others but some people come to full view or even call you to talk and then say nothing as if I am omniscient!
If you are suffering from depression (uncontrollable bouts of moodiness is a common symptom) which is something I have been delivered from then I sympathize with you and because sometimes you have no control over these things but I know you can be delivered if you want to.
I now believe there is nothing that serious in this life; I mean if you have access to any device and can read this online then you are considered elite in the world with basic necessities available to you. So please believe every form of darkness will give way to Light; you will outlive the shame of that mistake and forgive yourself; you will genuinely smile again; you will heal or develop the strength to deal with and grow through that pain; and you will not be lonely forever but it is up to you to you allow the right people who truly love you into your life and space.