Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Why so Serious?

I recently read some of my old blog posts and notes that never got published and it was a bitter sweet feeling; it made me aware that I had matured but I was a bit sad because I had lost some of my humour. Most of my recent posts are serious and I couldn’t help but wonder why.
I miss the silly girl who imagined funny situations and shared that goofiness; now I express more ‘deep’ issues, sigh! I am an advocate for growth but not when it makes you worry you are losing who you truly are.
This affected my writing because I had almost completely lost how to see the humour in life’s experiences; I was constantly on the edge, looking for perfection in all my work and seeking acceptance from everyone else but myself.
And I forgot why I started this blog which was originally from a happy/positive place. I am not making any promises to start reeling out strictly jokes because truly sharing lessons and experiences was a major motivation for the blog yet I agree that I need to relax! I really do not want to become the cynical aunty acid.
This also reinforced my decision to always document my journey, my vision, and my wins, my questions and even seemingly random things like my list below of things that make me happy I wrote few months ago and found in my notes:  
·         Really good food that makes me dance! Or when I attend an event and I do not have to hustle for everything being served because I know the hosts or the planner is just coordinated like that!
·         Gift of Money *giving God a wiper in praise*
·         New makeup products to play with, especially when I get for a good deal or freebie
·         When my eyeliner wings at first attempt
·         Cinnamon powder in my cereal
·         A Great song: I cannot give example for I am that annoying person who is constantly shouting “this is my jam!!” like who still uses the word ‘Jam’ to describe a great song
·         An amazing movie and just like music I have a LONG list. Then if the movie has a great soundtrack too, dazjuzit!
·         Hotel rooms: I don’t blame some people who live permanently in hotels. There is something about the sheets, bathroom, the cold floor, the amazing white light above the sink mirror that helps me when applying makeup!
·         Coffee: the smell, the taste, the buzz! However you are now an ex I only occasionally visit.
·         Having a ridiculously funny conversation with any of my siblings. They are just the worst!!
***photocredit and shout out to my gurrl Yomi! I was thinking of getting a picture with the Joker and contemplating using it or not, I pick up my phone to reply a message first and there Yomi had JUST uploaded this as her dp!! What other sign did I need really?!

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Food = Love

A while ago I woke up to one of those mornings where you just have to constantly psyche yourself to get through so as I sat on the trip to work I decided to focus on the things that make me happy.
As I went through various mental experiences, I settled on food and I caught myself smiling and thinking “food is love”……like seriously an almost perfect expression of love is feeding the other person! Lol
I know I am being judged right now but let me give an example; a few years ago, there was this guy who liked me, he used to make me laugh and genuinely care about my wellbeing but one thing he did that stood out was the fact that he always tried to feed me: if I went to his house it felt like a banquet; if we planned to hang out he would appear with food or initiate an opportunity to get food and not just boring food oh – steak, Chinese food, healthy options too like salads and fruits. Well what else would I call this but a sincere display of love to me! (and it wasn’t juju, stop thinking far)
By the way, it is not only this guy who showed me love through food- I have some awesome friends who cannot hear that I am hungry! Food will sha come out! No matter how cash strapped we are or where we find ourselves we will get food and eat. I have had a friend bring food to me at midnight before because I had to work over night; he brought me delicious home cooked meal. And to prove that I am not the only one who thinks food is an expression of love, some of our other friends believed we were having a coded romantic relationship because he got up from his comfortable bed to bring me food at night! Hahaha!
Really though Food is love, food is loyal and food brings comfort!
Some people may not understand this because we do not often come across people who are genuinely selfless; people hardly give innocently and have perverted  even things as supposedly random as food (which by the way is NOT random at all) The stomach does lead to the heart!
While I was shown love through food, I have also had people who showed me manipulation through food- even the Bible in Proverbs warns us about collecting food from a selfish person because they will never make you forget it. Please ehn I appreciate good food and I refuse to let anyone spoil it for me! Let nothing hook my throat so I don’t want, Thank you!
This line of thought led me to how food can be a metaphor for any type of supply and sometimes people begin to feel the need to take credit and lord over your life when truly God simply used them as a channel to bless you. ‘They’ now make it difficult for some of us to know how to receive without feeling indebted, belittled or undeserving of favours.
Please note that Kindness is not over rated, it still heals hearts; and you do not have to expect reward or reverence when you help another. And to the recipients, while you are enjoying food and favours, please think about paying it forward in whatever capacity you are able to; sometimes just decide to be the person that makes someone feel loved because you fed them.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

Emotions or Intent?

I have not really taken the time to understand what it means to be intentional in your dealings/daily activities; until this morning as I lay in bed and I was haunted by the promises I made to get up and pursue my dreams of having a healthier lifestyle. Weirdly, I recalled a few encounters with the word and after like 12 minutes, (yes because I looked at my watch from when I woke up to when I eventually sat up) I knew what ‘intentional’ should mean to me.
People who get up and have a routine are not aliens nor is it amusing to them but they have results they intend to achieve; the same with people who have and stick to their weekly or monthly budgets or a musician who practises that routine everyday without fail; it almost made me cringe in shame when in the Nike commercial I heard Serena say practicing everyday for 30 years isn’t fun, meaning she did it and would continue to.
Occasionally I allow my activities to be dictated or influenced by emotion; while that in itself is not a totally bad thing, I realise I need to learn to act even when I am not in the mood and this is what I imagine to be ‘integrity to self’. I know the right thing to do but sometimes I do not do it, causing me to lose a moment; miss an opportunity to share a very vital message or gain something I need.
To me being intentional is being disciplined; having a clear picture of what you would like to attain and then taking diligent calculated steps to it, even seemingly vain or intangible steps. I know someone who chooses her social gatherings and when she is there, doesn’t make too much noise or appear loud and aggressive, doesn’t speak vernacular and always has a small smile hanging on her lips; she never misses the opportunity to appear beautiful, friendly and approachable and also is never afraid to say hello to who she needs to say hello to; let us just say her personal and professional market is selling!
It is easy to be jealous of people and compare ourselves to others, especially those whom we have watched grow to become a certain level of successful but we do not know their ‘behind the scenes’ so rather than dull ourselves, please let’s get up and begin to do things with intent.

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Fear is ok

Fear is a constant companion
Not paranoia that there is a monster under my bed or behind the door; I have embraced the truth that there are unseen creatures constantly lurking so it’s fine
I mean full blown trepidation that used to completely hinder my life’s progress and because I genuinely believed things ought to be better than they were, I was sad, felt powerless and alienated myself from opportunities; I didn’t feel worthy or adequate
I was often worried about people’s opinion if they heard I tried something and failed so I didn’t go for what I wanted. And even when I succeeded or made progress, I didn’t want to spread the news because I felt it was only a matter of time before I fell back into the dark low place.
Consistency demanded so much more than I was sometimes willing to give.
But I learnt something truly vital; that it is wise to document my wins! Because that is what will keep me going. I am often anxious of the future so I decided to focus and be a good version of myself right now! To be present and deal with my ‘now’ because my daily good ‘nows’ will cumulate and make it somewhat easier to have a good tomorrow as well.
I tell myself “You are an amazing human being not a perfect one; your flaws and failures are part of the package. And being on top today, below tomorrow and then on top again is such a success story in itself that it can actually help others get up too.”
How great does it feel to know your ‘supposedly insignificant self’ helped someone else be significant? This is easier said than done but we truly need to learn how to keep going in spite of all.
I have had days of lying down in the dark, with absolutely no strength to cry. I have been so cynical to man and God that I was filled with shame when I recovered and wondered how God forgave me with all the things I allowed dwell in my mind. I have questioned my faith and love and heart and wished for death more times than I would like to admit – for myself and for others.
I have seen good things happen to me yet in the process of celebrating a voice would rise up in my head telling me how I shouldn’t be happy because it will be short lived and almost instantly I would forget my blessings and become afraid or moody for no reason.
It is not a good life to live and I did it for too long but I have decided to stay on the path of recovery; to act in spite of my fears, to learn what I do not know, to get up yet again no matter how many times I lapse and to not look at other people’s journey while I am on mine.
The beautiful truth is in all that darkness, the stars still shone!