Modupe

I saw you today

You were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.

That’s how I will always remember you; laughing!

Lately I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then you will laugh.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my mother never stopped being soft.”

But you had the greatest strength I had ever seen.

I haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief, I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t even know.

The day you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my anchor, you were my reason.

The weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long week but now I have no home.

I am trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.

You never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you wanted the best for me.

My Chief encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you say things like that.

Thank you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!

My birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.

Some things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you were.

90 days ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am yet to hit the ground.

Stillborn

It was first a thought,

A simple question “what if I brought forth?”

No confidence or certainty, but an ordinary wandering thought

Then days, weeks, months and the simple question took root

The feeling wouldn’t go away and everything in the universe seemed to align with your thoughts

Then you think “maybe I should do this, maybe I can do this, maybe this is what I was created to do!”

So you start asking questions, learning what you can even if you know you can never be fully prepared

You are scared, unsure but you share your plan with a few trusted people

You get mixed responses “Are you ready?”  “Can you do this?” “Wait a few more years!” “Go for it, I wonder what you’ve been waiting for!”  “’ll help you; just do what you need to!”

You tell yourself “you can never really know until you try”

So you conceive! The process of planting the seed was nerve wracking but you did it

And it was exciting seeing signs of change; Facing challenges, getting excited, waking up moody and would just rather stay in bed than face the day yet your heart swells with love and pride

Learning, crying, fighting the voice of reason when you are about to splurge your savings on things you know you can do without but you feel would be a perfect fit

……….then over time the ride of emotions become one straight path of pain

Constant discomfort and exhaustion and you just can’t keep anything going

You struggle through the weeks and months, telling yourself it’s just a bad phase that will pass

“Nothing good comes easy” is your mantra as you drag yourself through every experience

And one day you are left standing over your own blood, sweat, tears and wasted time

As you hold a stillborn in your hands and wonder “Is this really what I wanted?”

“Maybe I heard wrong!” “I gave everything so why did this happen to me?” “I had good intentions and I was diligent with my gift so what wrong turn did I take?”

And your heart breaks; for ‘it’ was deprived a chance to grow, to bring someone else relief or happiness

So you fall into darkness; losing your joy, strength and self-worth

Not able to forgive yourself and face the world

And without knowing where your answer will come, you ask “Would I ever recover from this?”

Burying a child, a dream, a business or a marriage is hard!

I’ll never know the answer to how you’ll remain whole after you’ve put all you are in something that failed, but I’ve experienced hope and I know in time you can get up. The root may spring forth another tree or may stay a stump forever but regardless no loss will kill you.

**The image is of 3 books I bought a few years ago, they represented my dream, my baby. For millions of reasons that I couldn’t handle, I succumbed to a funeral……..however it’s time for Resurrection  ; )