I saw
you today
You
were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to
half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe
the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.
That’s
how I will always remember you; laughing!
Lately
I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be
patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then
you will laugh.
About a
month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to
say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought
about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I
said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my
mother never stopped being soft.”
But you
had the greatest strength I had ever seen.
I
haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief,
I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t
even know.
The day
you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole
existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a
darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my
anchor, you were my reason.
The
weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long
week but now I have no home.
I am
trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never
imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel
like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in
your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to
get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop
frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes
you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a
wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of
contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.
You
never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my
imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to
deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when
you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the
times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you
wanted the best for me.
My Chief
encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I
spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I
remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you
say things like that.
Thank
you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping
you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I
would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you
will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!
My
birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will
spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able
to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even
then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.
Some
things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I
will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you
were.
90 days
ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am
yet to hit the ground.
