Again

 

 

 

I felt the euphoria deplete as I let out my breathe,

I abruptly fell from my high,

I kept my eyes tightly shut

I must have hoped the intensity with which I closed them would keep away the shame that vehemently washed over me

“It had happened again!”

I had failed once more,

I had disappointed myself and released a rippling hurt that would be felt by people I may never even meet…………

 

This is not a story I can tell because I don’t have a beginning

Yet I don’t know how to want an end.

I don’t have the words to explain something so blatantly unacceptable.

It’s what I see when I look into the mirror so I expertly mask with makeup, convincing bright smile, chic appearance, intelligence, witty conversation and an enviable lifestyle

 

I think I love you because I can’t describe how nothing works without you,

An evil I’ve become accustomed to; possessing more power than I do, conveniently breaking any dignity or courage I may build

My kryptonite yet the thrill I live for

I hear you speak and I know they are lies but you’ve become my solution even when there is no problem

 

I try to associate you with pain so I do penance however I self-destruct

I want to play a part in my deliverance but I fear my commitment is fickle

I make excuses; “something from my childhood”, “impaired perception”, “loneliness”, “over-independence”, “low self-esteem”, “bad experiences”, “pride”, “anger”…..

The list is extensive but doesn’t navigate the way to my freedom

 

The number of times I’ve fallen and got up is making me tired

The roller coaster ride of hope, self-loathing, strength and extreme humiliation makes me want to get familiar with the floor

I want to scream, cry, crawl, tear out my eyes, scratch my skin off my body or kill every form of emotion

Maybe death is a good option

But I’m not strong enough; I’m too weak to accept that way out

The darkness is my confidant, numbness my ally

But I know floating with no willpower will drown me eventually so I desperately cry out for help……….

 

………“Hi, my name is Perfect and I’m an addict!”

With empty hands

I remember on the 6th of January I said “January will soon end!”, I was told to calm down however it feels like it’s been just a ‘few hours’ since I made that statement and the 1st month in this new year has already ended.

January is generally perceived as the hardest month to conquer in the year mainly due to stiff cash flow and slowness in shifting gears from the end of one year to starting another. I asked myself “what did you achieve this January?” And I know that’s a question a lot of people would ask themselves too; some would smile and others would not.

I’ve discovered that most people are motivated by what they get in exchange for what they give; wages for time spent at work; money for product/service offered; roaring laughter in response to a joke shared; affection in return for love expressed and so on.

You might feel like you’ve already put in a lot this year or at least set in place a fantastic road map to ensure you have a tremendously profiting year therefore it is one of the hardest things to stand with your hands empty; to be afraid that your super plans might just end up being plans! Or that you didn’t get anything out of what you put in? And truthfully it isn’t all the time that someone’s encouraging words make sense; you’d rather they kept quiet and leave you alone to enjoy your moments of anger and self-criticism.

But when the ‘mourning’ phase is over kindly get up and actually do something, moving in the right direction to accomplish your goals; I learnt that the longer you stay nursing any negative condition, the longer it takes to cure it.

I’m actually encouraging myself with this post and hope that whoever reads this and who wasn’t too impressed with what January left in their hands would also be encouraged; really if you gave up so early what would you do the rest of the year?!

Get up, have faith and reach out to grab what you want in your hands.