A Place

 

I walked into a place

It was beautiful and breezy and held no threats

It was different from the places I had been- Hope, Positivity, Expectation

It was different yet familiar

I had been here before through someone else’s heart

She laughed once, she loved, she hoped

She glowed and it was easy to desire what she was

To want to be where she stood, to long for what she had

Then without notice, the light dimmed

With no warning it went out

And we were left standing in the dark

And somehow it feels like I wasn’t there when it went out

The thin line between reality and pretence blurred

She had become tired; she had forgot someone was watching

Waiting for the light in her eyes to come back on

Waiting for the ‘well clad’ red lips to curve into a wide genuine smile

Waiting for the almost perfectly carved eyebrow to shoot up in total amazement

What happened?

I looked up and about and I was alone

She had left me alone.

She had nothing to show me so she drifted away when I looked at the ground for a second

So I chased shadows

Shadows that led me to Cynicism Avenue

I glide through the streets and corners

I know some of the neighbors- Bitterness, Anger, Resentment, Sarcasm, and Pride

I don’t take offers to give any form of explanation for where I’m coming from

I have no scars to show, I’m skilled at concealing

I’ve been here before

It’s really comfortable here and I’m beginning to like it.

The Talented Dr. Lecter

 

I’m MILDLY obsessed with the character ‘Dr. Hannibal Lecter’, from the first time I saw the movie ‘Hannibal’ (which I saw before ‘Silence of the Lambs’) I wondered if someone like that truly existed or if it was plainly the author’s imagination.

Whatever the case, I sort of fell in love with the idea of a man who didn’t use jazz or juju but simply spoke to you till you believed what he said was your own idea (ok ok he sort of hypnotized his victims) or how he killed (don’t think I’m crazy) smoothly and never actually got caught, and also how seemingly in the face of danger, he was ALWAYS calm.

The calmness is one of the things I truly admire, because for those who know me calmness is far from me; if I’m not worrying about some activity or shouting in real life, I’m doing it in my mind or in my dream.

Every human has a ‘Hannibal’ in him/her; no matter who you claim to be, you kind of won’t mind being able to control another human. To be able to influence and have things work your way. I won’t go into details of whether your reason for control is good or bad (search within and it will come to you).

Sometimes the control we desire may even be over ourselves- to have control over our time, our values/principles, our alter ego, our finances, what path our relationships will take, our thoughts, achievements, emotions like fear or love, or to be able to dismiss that which doesn’t work for us anymore and move on.

Regardless of the evil we are made to believe about Dr. Lecter, I think he is a very intelligent man, I think he has a sense of humour and possesses the ability to care for another human. I think Dr. Lecter makes someone very happy and I also think someone, somewhere would be able to pull a ‘Hannibal’ on Dr. Lecter!

That thing at my back

 

I did a double take

“Is that me or another human growing behind me?”

It’s not even possible

Or so I thought

In my beautiful purple and white cardigan top, dancing& lifting up holy hands in church when I saw it, the much dreaded monster

“Love Handles”

Such a beautiful name but causes the most depressing feelings with such evil consequences.

I saw my (as I personalize this it breaks my heart) my love handle in my ……wait for it……. I saw my love handle in my shadow!

You didn’t hear me abi?

How can I see my love handle in my shadow, meaning it has grown its own personality which dwells in a separate body attached to my real ‘medium’ sized body!!!

The horror I felt can’t be typed. Finally it was time to wake up!

Over the years I’ve watched my weight fluctuate, but in all this I’ve never been skinny and I have no plans to be (even if sef, my big head and genes won’t permit)

But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being fit, why do I have to go up a flight of stairs and almost pass out?

Why must I wear a jacket I bought this year and suck belle so much but still the button doesn’t close?

Why do I have to pack my lovely lace dress on a trip to a friend’s wedding and then the zipper gets stuck half way up and I have to totally change my whole outfit and end up having a bad day for feeling like a blob?

Why do I have to hate taking photographs because I’m afraid I will just ‘block’ everybody and fill up the whole picture space?

Why do I have to try to get everyone I meet to sit down on my ‘good side’ so they won’t easily spot my double chin?

Why do I have to keep looking for black clothes because the color creates an illusion of being slim when I can enjoy the purple and orange and the great glow bright colors give me?

Why do I have to stop dancing (something I absolutely love to do) just because I feel heavy and I fear I’ll look ridiculous when moving?

Why do I have to feel like I committed murder because I choose to enjoy a scrumptious meal or a bar of chocolate?

Laugh or judge but I know some of you know what I’m talking about.

There are also a lot of people who know me and may insult me for being unsatisfied with my body and even judge me for being fake because I’m not fat but I’m a strong believer in “If you don’t like it, then change it”

So this is what I’m going to do (which I have already started as I write this)

-         I’ll start working out (not vigorously because I can’t die abeg)

-         I’ll watch what I eat (this is a major task because I don’t eat real food much but don’t leave me with things like biscuit and noodles when I don’t feel like cooking)

-         I’ll dance as much as I can (in my house sha) because my evil extra body won’t steal my joy away and dancing will actually help my lazy workout routine

-         I’ll become accountable to fellow people who genuinely want to be fit but won’t judge me when I fail and consume that plate of Spaghetti and Corn beef stew.

-         I’ll pray. YES I will pray because getting into shape like any other life altering decision takes Grace, Inner strength and determination. Anyone who has died before (maybe not literally) but has been in a low place can relate to this, that getting back up is hard and there are times you’ll just rather stay down; there are times the darkness is comfortable because walking and working to the light takes too much stress and sometimes on the road back to recovery we stumble and fall and times like that we feel “I can never get better”, “What is the point?”.

But the point is this; regardless of what dress size, picture size or real bone size (we women tend to separate it as if it’s not all one body?) Remember “I’m BEAUTIFUL!” not because I have to sing it into my ears all the time but because I can look into the mirror and see it and FEEL it.

I want to bask in the Euphoria of being able to say, “You see that waist right there; I maintained its small size because I stayed strong and determined in my exercises” Or “I have good skin not thanks to Mary Kay Foundation (even though I swear by it) but because I drink lots of water and eat the right things so I'm not always looking stressed and tired”

There is something about setting a target and achieving that goal.  For there was a time I was hunched over, trying to suck in my stomach, in the process creating a semi hunch back but now to be able to walk with my head high, back straight, eyes shining and unafraid that the looks I’m getting are not silently mocking me.

I have plus size friends and family members ( if there was ever a war between the skinny and the heavy girls I’ll proudly fight on the team of the ‘Fabulous And Thick’ )and I admire the way they dress and walk confidently. But I believe a person will be truly confident if she/he is comfortable in their skin and since I’m not, then I’ll change the situation.

So watch out for this soon to be extremely fit, curvy and love-handle-less Lady! : )

How I see the Grass on the other side

 

A good friend and the most reliable colleague I have ever worked with just moved to the UK. To me, he is more techy than a writer but he sees things in funny yet wise ways and I feel they are worth sharing.

I asked him to share his experience so far that I wanted to put on the blog, so here is what he has ‘seen’……….

 

It is very interesting to note that travelling abroad has NEVER been my ultimate dream as regards to educational pursuit, but as the days passed with its experiences, I found out that in one stage in our lives, we need a foreign touch in our education to create a wide range or global opportunity in this present day 'hustling'.

Let's get it straight; any one that tells you, you don't need to travel abroad to school to be great, the person is absolutely right and unfortunately wrong because if you have the money+opportunity, you need to make the move for larger scope of learning.

If you're planning on coming to England, please note... You need to learn how to speak very fast and with your noise. You may not have the chance to hear a particular word twice in a day or throughout your stay in the UK. Also, you'd better start arranging yourself to be eating 'leaves' like I did (I'm still doing), because it may take you up to £10 to start eating the Nigerian delicacies that you're used to.

Before I came I was gaping my mouth about how I will withstand the cold here, recounting my long stay in Abuja Harmattan but the weather et al is not your friend so you must prepare to get docked in your bed if you cannot withstand the weather condition. Funny enough, we are in the summer, still waiting for the winter and I'm already feeling like, “mehn I miss Nigeria weather really bad”. My house here is surrounded by waterways, that alone is a threat, but what will I do? 'Man must survive, yea?'

Making friends in a strange land is another form of 'schooling' if I must confess. I've learnt not to approach people for relationship/friendship with no reasonable intent; else I'll crash land like many Nigerian folks I've seen here. They want to belong without first, brushing themselves up and defining their motives. I must not forget to state here that, I thought 'kissing' was the only and acceptable officially displayed greeting pattern here in England, because my journey from Heathrow International Airport to Chatham Maritime, Kent, I recorded over 20 public kissing scenes and I thought “wow I've come to a kissing country.”

Amongst other things which I believe has brought me closer to my books is that in a foreign learning environment like that, I've not seen any level of academic competition like what we have in Nigeria. And everyone goes to the club, drink, takes unending 'shots', smokes tobacco, drives on the highest speed as possible, dance and sing as and when due. I wonder, guess it’s the culture.

After all said and pointed out, don't be worried, as I've noticed, all international students tend to know the reason why they're in a foreign land to learn and they take their studies very seriously and that is shown in their conduct, apart from those who wants to 'belong' by all means possible. But if you're like me, don't worry, come over and have some fun in learning. Cheers!!!

@Operko

“Why would I get Married?”

 

In my moments of frustration I sometimes come up with ridiculous things; to make myself happy or just wondering why things are the way they are, for instance “Why is a Lion considered King of the Jungle?”, “Why is a Goat stubborn?” “Why am I not tall with a flat stomach?”, “Why did Obama marry Michelle and not me?”, “Why am I not somehow related to Warren Buffet?” Ok, Ok seriously…

So one day (can’t remember when exactly) but I was truly irritated about house chores and I just thought, “I swear, I can’t wait to be married and have my own house so I can decide whenever I want to clean it!” I still went about the work na (as I don’t own the house and they no even dash me liver to tell my mother that one)

A while later I'm hanging with my friend and I tell her this thought, she had a good laugh and actually agreed it wasn’t such a bad thing. From that day and through various experiences, I had different ideas on reasons why I want to marry and have my own husband, house, kitchen, closet space etc.

And DON’T judge because I'm sure some of you have thought of worse;

·        I want to get married and have my house so I can put things wherever I want to. I don’t have to return the Milo can in the cupboard because I’m lazy and I may want to drink it again when I come back from work and I can’t start opening the cupboard again, I mean that’s just too much stress!

·        I want to get married and have my own food time table- if I decide chocolate cake for breakfast and NOT yam and eggs then SO BE IT!

·        I want to get married and have my own kitchen so I can paint it a color like navy blue or black so that I don’t have to worry about scrubbing white tiles like the one presently in my mother’s house.

·        I want my kitchen to be extremely massive and I can have a television and all other gadgets that my mother believes is a distraction and shouldn’t be in the kitchen.

·        I want to get married and have my walk in closet. Having to fold my clothes is about to kill me abeg.

·        I want to get married that way I’m sure I will get a birthday present every year (Straight face) Really, why won’t my husband give me a birthday gift every year? As in I can’t wrap my head around the reason why this can even be up for discussion. It’s inevitable oh! And yes I intend to give him a gift every year too including non-birthdays.

·        I want to get married so that there will be someone who will allow me be spoilt, because in my present life no one even looks at my face if I'm sulking or having a bad day! U better pack face well and make yourself happy if you want to survive! But for my husband I CAN and WILL decide to sulk so that he can beg me and pamper me etc

·        I want to get married so that I can have someone to bully for money. YES, his money is OUR money and MY money is MINE (and for my two kids when I have them)

·        I want to get married so I can have someone to flaunt! YESSSSS, I’m tired of seeing my married friends hold on to their husbands in public as if something is about to carry them away. Abeg me sef can like to hold on to someone nau

·        I want to get married so I don’t have to worry about the mechanic or electrician or carpenter again. If someone ever hits my car let me have a man to call and lament to abeg!

·        I want to get married and have a free masseuse, I can’t be dashing the spa money always nau. I will return the favour I promise.

So I asked two of my friends as I’m sure I don’t have such thoughts alone. That’s how one said “I want to get married so that I can murder the zillionaire and become a rich widow!” (No need to comment) The laughter that followed almost killed us.

Apparently my friends share my idea of being able to choose whatever you want to eat for breakfast.

·        “……so I won’t have to drive myself to work.”

·        “So I can whip out his credit card for all my purchases!” Ol’ boy girls are materialistic oh, me sef shock.

·        I want to get married so my husband and I can be going on trips together.

·        I want to get married so that I can get someone to be harassing without feeling bad.

Truly I have realized that life may not always come this easy but there is absolutely nothing wrong with a Young woman dreaming. With the help of God we cook, clean, make our own money and fight our battles but abeg who doesn’t want to sometimes drop it all and rest so please do NOT judge a Sisteh! TENZ

My Abusive Relationship with an Escalator

So I hate escalators, yes I do

Regardless of how many times I appear to gracefully get on and off it, I will never like it

My first reason for this hatred- it encourages laziness. Abeg why does a staircase have to move?

That is why it is ‘step’ you take steps not stand and get moved up or down, then just take the elevator!

Then, Escalators always have a way of making me feel incompetent (wait, don’t laugh)

So a week ago I was at the airport and while I was on the line to get my boarding pass, I noticed a particular guy behind kept trying to make conversation, “Have you got your ticket?”, “Is this line for Abuja?”, “What time is the flight?”

“Oga abeg free me!”, I was tired from lack of sleep and I had a cold threatening to make my nose and head explode, all I needed was to be well not a married man (yes I checked) disturbing my peace.

So I don’t understand how the man ended up right in front of me again oh as I was about to get on the escalator (which I have acquired the perfect habit of being the last person within view to get on), he was forming gentleman so he smiles and gestures for me to go ahead of him.

Na so my leg hook on the first step – I promise I can’t explain what happened and I know I will never be able to explain it to any human being.

“Choi, this man will say so upon how this babe fine reach she no sabi climb escalator!”

I was clearly ashamed so I just lock up and started forming arranging myself and tinz.

As my Father in heaven and Friend in time of need would permit, I see an old school mate passing by, I swiftly call out her name to go say hi and we walk happily together to the gate.

Thankfully, that was the end of the man and his judgmental thoughts of how I can’t use that confidence killing machine.

Well the tragic ordeal kept playing in my mind even as I was trying to sleep, I confess I’ve had my share of good laughs at people who ‘appeared all ready to conquer only to disgracefully fall’ on the escalator, LOL. I also wondered why something as insignificant as an escalator could gravely affect a person’s ‘appearance’ of being competent or why people paid any attention to that sort of thing.

It crossed my mind, that maybe it can be likened to an abusive relationship- that slowly but surely kills your confidence- which often starts with a good mood day, you slowly go up until you get to the top and then trip on a seemingly small thing which triggers insults and wicked finger-pointing laughter that inevitably kills all the self confidence you may have built from the last time you had this experience. And in a few seconds you are back to that place of being afraid to be seen in public.

But the cool thing is we have options, you can choose to use an elevator or the staircase. Yeah, it’s not easy to change that which you’re familiar with but would you wait till you’ve lost a few teeth or bruised your eye before you know you’ll change?  Remember I said the escalator encourages laziness, just maybe you’ve become too comfortable or believe you’ll eventually master the art or you just don’t want to do the work of walking to another elevation device.

Whatever the issue, think about it and GET TO STEPPING!

As for me and my friend Kellie (who has her own escalator tales) we shall be taking the staircase when the elevator is wasting our time *wink*

***And just for trips, please Google ‘funny escalator cartoons’

NO LONGER AFRAID

I know a man who to me was never afraid of anything.

He walked around with this air of assurance that nothing could go wrong

The way he dresses, boldly splashing colors not even stopping to see the astonished or admiring looks on the faces of passersby.

The way he talked showed he wasn’t worried about being judged.

The things he did and the way he gave made you wonder, “Won’t this guy run out of money or things?”

The way he travelled, either to Lagos, London, Dubai, and more; he could never have been afraid of planes.

This man led the path for me to overcome a lot of my fears; fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, the fear of flying.

“To get over your fear, you have to face it. Keep doing that thing you are afraid of and you’ll see that you’ll conquer it.” Those were the words he said to a group of youths he was addressing at a meeting in Church. The first thing I did was laugh and I thought, “Ehen, so I go just they fly about abi?” LOL but really I understood what he was saying. And funny he would say such at the time because my job then required me to travel (by air) a lot that period. So I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to die in a plane crash. Another thing this man said sometimes that I held on to was, “I won’t die in a plane crash, I refuse to die like a lizard or something that would be crushed and my body won’t be found.” (He was quoting another preacher). So every time I got on a plane, I had my word weapons to keep me calm.

But on Sunday the 3^rd of June 2012, a plane crash took his life.

It was hard not to ask questions, “How can this man who knew so much, who seemed so strong, who was always flying, die in a plane crash? Is this a joke?”

I waited and waited for him to walk right through the door. I swear, I have never refused to believe anything so much in my life. Everything he had ever said to me kept coming back- some that I didn’t understand at the time it was said suddenly made sense.

I was angry that all that this man carried and the vision he shared yet to be complete- great ideas- would just die. I’ve seen too many good people die; I couldn’t understand why this man had to be one of them. And even if he had to eventually die, why did it have to be this way? He deserved better.

He had so much hope; he was always optimistic, it was hard to be afraid around him, it has hard not to catch the light that so shone in and around him. He made everything easy while at the same time making you understand that you have to be patient and take responsibility.

You knew everybody, even names you didn’t remember you knew faces and you always smiled, raised an eyebrow, winked, gave a thumbs up, a handshake or a hug; NO ONE came across you and left feeling rejected.

To some you were Pastor Color, some others AK, to me you were Pastor Akizzle, LOL I remember the first time I called you that, I wrote it in your birthday card in January and someone said, “Kai, Anu its only you that would have liver to call Pastor Akin that!”. All I did was smile and pass the card to the next person to sign. I guess now I know I learnt from the best how not to be afraid.

I will never forget you, sometimes I’m still lost for words at the whole episode and I have to fight back tears in public so people won’t think I'm crazy. If friends and subordinates can be so affected by your life then what are your family members supposed to do or feel now? So I’ll get over myself and keep smiling, I’ll hold on to the lessons learnt and memories of the joy you shared. I’ll ‘man-up’ and take responsibility, I’ll keep building my capacity and be all that I can be because that is what you want, that was your plan- to raise the right type of leaders for this generation and the ones to come.

I salute you Rev. Akinola Olumodeji (aka ACTOR NO DEY DIE) get rid of the angels’ robes and show them how to rock purple bespoke blazers, orange charm bracelets, Ralph Tops and Grey Suede shoes. LOL