The burden of knowing

What do you do with what you know? Things you read, see and hear willingly or otherwise, people you have met, secrets you are privy to, experiences you had to endure, dreams you have had; What do you do with them?

How do we receive? What guides perception through every encounter, the emotions that accompany them, and how do the pieces add up to be considered significant or not.

I often ask, “why?” I do not ask it aloud; it is an internal struggle that sometimes leaves me disillusioned or exhausted while other times I get answers to my queries.

To be honest, I do not know if I believe that everything happens for a reason- there are things I will never understand why I had to be a part of it, were they space fillers, or would I get clarity later. Still, I wonder the reasons for trying to give every event meaning.

We cannot grasp and retain the totality of every encounter; it might kill us to remember every minute detail yet, subconsciously we are a sum of all that goes through us.

I do think knowledge comes with the responsibility we may not always be ready for; I believe we carry experiences on behalf of others and our future selves. With what we know (that has made us who we are), we teach, clarify or confirm prior information – to other people and a later version of ourselves.

Sadly, this may elicit manipulation, perversion, greed, or abuse, yet that was never the intent- it is simply for a transfer of ‘power’ to the one who needs it. A gift available to all but none can take credit for it. The highest level of awareness in humans will still never possess absolute control.

Knowledge meets us but should not just stay with us- we may occasionally miss what is significant due to tiredness, distractions, or just life happening, we need to build the courage that helps us consistently filter, develop, preserve and then pass it on.

So what do you do with all you know? You use it to grow. I sincerely hope we do not miss what truly matters and let life not keep us grounded in detachment and cynicism.  

I do not have a headline

 

Everyone has something they are great at, yet there are subsets in a particular area where you are genius-level and other areas, not so much. For instance, you can be an all-around great dancer, win the world record in break dancing, and then your hips fail at salsa.

I used to think if you struggled with a thing then it was not for you. I mean, that does not make much sense now that I think about it but it was my reality and, I often preserved only if there was a reward (like not repeating a class) if I had to deal with it for just a short period, or when I thoroughly enjoyed the activity and could endure its difficulty.

Now I know almost everything can be learned (except mathematics because I still do not get why they almost used it to kill me in secondary school)

As a writer, I often struggle with coming up with headlines I consider super amazing or catchy. Sometimes I get into a creative zone and I am on fire, other times it’s a painful drag. There are 2, maybe 3 ways I habitually deal with this challenge – I ask someone else’s opinion, I think deeply about what I want to say or I just wing it and hope whoever reads it takes it.

Now, I accept that I can develop a system that induces ideas when I need them. It is possible to live permanently in a creative zone, and it is predominantly rooted in gratitude and confidence. It is honestly not as easy as I make it seem because we get overwhelmed with the vicissitudes of life however, success is achievable.

First, I am more grateful for my abilities – I do not take it for granted that I know how to do certain things well because I do not have a hand in said awesomeness. I simply exist with them, and it’s my responsibility to take care of and make these abilities better if I want. Second, shame shall no longer be a companion – I decide that whatever I produce doesn’t suck, and even if it does occasionally, that’s fine too. I am critical of my mistakes, but I will do it again.

Your zone may not be about creativity and maybe has nothing to do with your profession - people struggle with how to manage an illness, make healthier choices, love others or raise their kids - whatever it is you can learn it, and then you do better.

 And I’ll give you a headline next time, I promise! 😉

A familiar face

Recently a friend asked me what I would consider my greatest regret and I said, “being afraid”. You see fear has been an acquaintance, who has traveled life’s journey with me, making itself available in varying degrees. Through childhood, exams, jobs, relationships, how I show up in the world, and sadly sometimes it’s there even in how I serve God.  

The thing about fear is that it grows, it takes up space the more you allow it, it will clog your mind and attack rational thoughts until you are left with a distorted reality. Though you recognize it yet you do nothing to keep it away. Fear also has messengers, so somethings will appear to validate it.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do- I had always possessed an ability to see and tell a story from experiences and imagination. Recently, I feared I had lost that ability. The trip is that I write for a living yet I managed to convince myself that I am a terrible writer. However, in the midst of the turmoil, I have been haunted with dreams and thoughts of writing. When I use the word ‘haunted’, I know what I am saying, it's everywhere I turn; random encounters and conversations, first few thoughts when I am trying to wake up, social media posts, from the lips of strangers and even my ‘Badassery’ calendar with its inspirational quotes.

When these things show up, I am often armed with a ready excuse – “I am swamped with work”, “I don’t know how to write interesting stuff anymore”, “no one will read it”, “my English is terrible”, “I am not a happy person and it shows in what I write”, “I am too distracted to arrange my thoughts”, and the list goes on and on.

When I run out of these excuses or gather the motivation, the ever-loyal procrastination shows up, so that next thing I know, it's 4 weeks after the day I promised to write. And like clockwork, in strolls self-judgment, condemning me for not keeping my word to myself. It is exhausting I promise you.

On the last day of August, a few memorable things happened to me and I recall thinking I need to do something about how I feel right now. Once again, fear waltzed to the surface as I began to wonder how I would maintain what I considered a good ‘mental space’. Fear does not only project possible doom, you can also be afraid of success or good things – wondering how long it will last and what to do to maintain its consistency. That evening I hung out with a few people and as the night ended, I was given an assignment – TO JUST WRITE! Something honest, even if just three lines, anything at all and throw it into the world.

So this is it, this is my attempt at a comeback. I am still afraid though, I wonder if this is too much or too little. However, thankfully you are reading it. I do not know the direction this will go but I will write, about anything that comes to heart, in whatever capacity and quality of work but I will do this and whatever else I need to….I will do it afraid!

G.M.A

 

“I cannot believe my children will not meet you!”

This is one thought I have almost every day. I feel bad for them, for the greatness they will miss out on.

I always imagined them in your house, learning from you because sadly I don’t know if I have fully understood how to transfer the awesomeness I experienced through you to them.

This life sha!! So for real for 2 years now, I haven’t called your phone to give you gist?!

It’s the weirdest thing not talking to you, we talked ALL the time. So much has happened and I just want to tell you everything.

Recently, I saw a movie on Yoruba African magic and I shook my head and walked away; it was like an unspoken rule that I only watched Nigerian movies with you. If I watched with other people, it wasn’t half as fun because you ran commentary- laughing, shouting, and judging. And if the character you were rooting for in the movie had any positive encounter, you would rejoice as if it was your good fortune.

My new low-budget movie watching partner is M.O and so far she is doing a good job of making me shake my head, LOL!

As I said before, I honestly don’t know what I have done without you these past years. I am sure my siblings feel the same way and I worry about them.

I remember a few hours after you transitioned, I was walking on the road and I saw myself put on armor; like a new journey just began and I was being adorned with the tools for war. Mehnnn!! I don’t know the words to use but just know that I have grown; your kids have all grown! There are so many things I understand better now, and I can’t help but hear your voice telling me things like not to get weary in prayer or to be patient and always “do my own for God!” See ehn, you were a child of God, I can’t even lie! Because if they leave me to roam, I will kill people. Somethings happen and I will be like “this is what Modupe was saying oh!”

I miss you oh! You are the absolute love of my life! I don’t think I will heal from this heartbreak; I am just learning to live with it. I think about you even when I am not thinking, you are like this permanent subconscious event that is stuck with me forever.

My life was altered when you passed; NOTHING could have prepared me for it. Sometimes I feel like maybe it didn’t happen. But it did!

One thing I am most grateful for is that, even in those moments when the wave of grief feels like it is going to stop my heart, I am comforted knowing you are at peace, in a better place away from all the negativity in this world. One day, M.O said, “It’s the person who has passed away that is enjoying!” And I completely agree, I love you enough to release you into enjoyment; that’s okay for me! So keep enjoying my darling!

Mutation

The transformation can be sudden

Or it may be subtle that you don’t even realize what’s happening to you

You become a different person.

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism; succour for the suffering

You may not have any control

Most times it’s absolutely necessary because life had to shift

And it could not have happened with your permission.

Not everyone will see it though;

Often you struggle to remain the same person

It can get exhausting.

Holding on to a version of you that died, a version you are familiar with.

How do you learn to grow when you are already an adult?

I used to say some people never recover from some experiences,

Now I fully understand what that means.

Pain alters you.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing but I am grateful……

Truly that’s all I possess….the ability to just look around me and be grateful.

And then maybe have the courage to hope that if I wake up tomorrow, it will be better.

I will get Flowers

The first time I saw the image above, tears came to my eyes; for those who know me I can be dramatic so I had a moment of dropping my phone and leaning back because it hit me. I saw it on Instagram and though the publisher’s caption was talking about being optimistic, the word that screamed at me was RESPONSIBILITY! It is MY job to do the work to see (receive) what I want.

Very recently I have learnt to do; to do for me! Because anxiety, self-criticism and self-doubt are real struggles I deal with; I would often consider so many other things and people before acting. And it’s not like I have lost my kindness to others, I just learnt to be kind to me too.

I have a practice of stopping mid thought and evaluate why I am feeling some type of way; to honestly show myself the root of that emotion and if it is valid. For me this is part of taking responsibility because I have resolved to heal.

It won’t always be earth-shattering or with fireworks; truth is real progress is quiet, lonely and painful like a seed bursting through the soil with force to reach for the surface as a beautiful flower. I am not sure there was ever a flower that grew half way through the soil and said “I am not doing again!” (Even if there was, don’t be that flower).

I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like it’s just made up of chores and continuous efforts to always feel ready for or certain of what should happen.

I won’t lie and say I don’t understand what the first character is saying; I mean “what is funny?” In these 5 months of 2019, I have been stretched beyond what I thought was possible but I also have an unshakeable conviction that only death is final. As long as I have been blessed with the miracle of life, I will consistently take the responsibility to plant flowers; beautiful flowers so that, that is what I will get. Yes, there may be thorns but that’s okay too.

I will get on my knees, get my hands dirty and do the work, and I am sure God will bless it and give me a harvest- a harvest I can share with others who need flowers too.

Modupe

I saw you today

You were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.

That’s how I will always remember you; laughing!

Lately I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then you will laugh.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my mother never stopped being soft.”

But you had the greatest strength I had ever seen.

I haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief, I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t even know.

The day you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my anchor, you were my reason.

The weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long week but now I have no home.

I am trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.

You never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you wanted the best for me.

My Chief encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you say things like that.

Thank you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!

My birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.

Some things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you were.

90 days ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am yet to hit the ground.