Mutation

The transformation can be sudden

Or it may be subtle that you don’t even realize what’s happening to you

You become a different person.

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism; succour for the suffering

You may not have any control

Most times it’s absolutely necessary because life had to shift

And it could not have happened with your permission.

Not everyone will see it though;

Often you struggle to remain the same person

It can get exhausting.

Holding on to a version of you that died, a version you are familiar with.

How do you learn to grow when you are already an adult?

I used to say some people never recover from some experiences,

Now I fully understand what that means.

Pain alters you.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing but I am grateful……

Truly that’s all I possess….the ability to just look around me and be grateful.

And then maybe have the courage to hope that if I wake up tomorrow, it will be better.

I will get Flowers

The first time I saw the image above, tears came to my eyes; for those who know me I can be dramatic so I had a moment of dropping my phone and leaning back because it hit me. I saw it on Instagram and though the publisher’s caption was talking about being optimistic, the word that screamed at me was RESPONSIBILITY! It is MY job to do the work to see (receive) what I want.

Very recently I have learnt to do; to do for me! Because anxiety, self-criticism and self-doubt are real struggles I deal with; I would often consider so many other things and people before acting. And it’s not like I have lost my kindness to others, I just learnt to be kind to me too.

I have a practice of stopping mid thought and evaluate why I am feeling some type of way; to honestly show myself the root of that emotion and if it is valid. For me this is part of taking responsibility because I have resolved to heal.

It won’t always be earth-shattering or with fireworks; truth is real progress is quiet, lonely and painful like a seed bursting through the soil with force to reach for the surface as a beautiful flower. I am not sure there was ever a flower that grew half way through the soil and said “I am not doing again!” (Even if there was, don’t be that flower).

I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like it’s just made up of chores and continuous efforts to always feel ready for or certain of what should happen.

I won’t lie and say I don’t understand what the first character is saying; I mean “what is funny?” In these 5 months of 2019, I have been stretched beyond what I thought was possible but I also have an unshakeable conviction that only death is final. As long as I have been blessed with the miracle of life, I will consistently take the responsibility to plant flowers; beautiful flowers so that, that is what I will get. Yes, there may be thorns but that’s okay too.

I will get on my knees, get my hands dirty and do the work, and I am sure God will bless it and give me a harvest- a harvest I can share with others who need flowers too.

Modupe

I saw you today

You were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.

That’s how I will always remember you; laughing!

Lately I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then you will laugh.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my mother never stopped being soft.”

But you had the greatest strength I had ever seen.

I haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief, I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t even know.

The day you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my anchor, you were my reason.

The weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long week but now I have no home.

I am trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.

You never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you wanted the best for me.

My Chief encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you say things like that.

Thank you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!

My birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.

Some things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you were.

90 days ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am yet to hit the ground.

A LETTER

Dear darling,

I have been meaning to write to you for a long time, life has been happening but mainly I have been ashamed and unsure of what to say…….

I am sorry for settling

I am sorry for knowing the right thing and not doing it

I am sorry for accommodating abuse and letting people treat us like we are not great

I am sorry for not being brave even when it was clear that was the solution

I am sorry for being lazy

I am sorry for not believing we could be better

I am sorry for not doing the work

I am sorry for giving in to the lies I told us and lies from others too

I am sorry for closing my eyes to the answers God gave us whenever I asked

I am sorry for abandoning you even when I knew you were relying on me

I am sorry for knowing that the longer I denied ‘our life’ the longer it would take for us to get to that place of being in The Center.

I am sorry for giving in to depression, anxiety and numbness, I really didn’t want to

I am sorry for ignoring you even though technically I couldn’t so I stood with my back to you

I am sorry for stifling our talents and how amazing I know we can be

I am sorry for making us available to be used

I am sorry for throwing away some of our blessings

I am sorry for being so angry

I am sorry for not holding on to God with two hands and heart

I am sorry for being a Yoyo; inconsistent and lacking disciple

But I am Grateful……….

Grateful for the darkness; I can now navigate through it even with little light

I still don’t have it figured out but I think I am more in control

I think this because I tell myself the truth now

I let us grow through the emotions because I am experienced enough to know it is all fleeting.

I am Grateful for the pain; it means I am still alive; we are still alive

I am most Grateful for HOPE; Pure beautiful Hope.

Hope makes me look back and say that experience was so okay that I almost welcome it!

I read somewhere that “Hindsight is Thick skinned”, there is no lie there

People say I am strong but they don’t know the journey to this place.

It doesn’t help that my memory is amazing so I have vivid images of every detail.

It’s easy to rest in shame and self-loathing but I receive enough courage daily to counter these thoughts.

I am Grateful that even though I haven’t figured it all out or gathered all the strength, even though I know there will be future mistakes and I still need so much clarity, I am not afraid.

I am now reminded every moment that we possess the ability to handle.

I love us and how I can now listen when you speak; even though I am stubborn and rebellious, and my mistakes hurt you, you watch me fall and stay in the dirt with me until we rise up again.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not letting me kill you when I convinced myself that was the best option.

Thank you for standing tall with an armor; for being the armor sometimes.

THANK MY DEAR DARLING.

A letter to me, a letter to the girl I used to be, a letter to the woman I was supposed to become, a letter to my soul, a letter to the part of me that is in sync with God.  

I am Greatly Loved

Sometime in 2015 or so I found this scripture in the Book of Daniel, Chapter 10 verse 19; so I wrote it in my own words (based on another version that describes ESTEEMED as LOVED) on a Post-it and stuck on my mirror.  I wanted to see it daily and be reminded that I am not alone, yet between that year and now, I doubt I’ll ever be able to explain how much I’ve had to deal with feeling completely alone, helpless and afraid. To say it messed with me would be a gross understatement; however this is no longer a sad tale. In all the darkness it never crossed my mind that these words were untrue; I simply believed it wasn’t an experience for me because I lived my life holding hands with fear and self-loathing.

Apart from it being True Words from the Bible, I had actually seen the effect of true love on other people; just knowing you have support from at least one person sometimes gives you wings to fly! To know that whatever you say or do wouldn’t be associated with shame in the mind of that person. There is a line in the movie ‘A United Kingdom’, where someone said about Rosamund Pike’s character “she is a strong woman because she is loved”. There is a confidence that comes from knowing someone is in your corner.

And it wasn’t about external validation; I could be sure of my choices yet still feel like there is no reason for me to be here. I genuinely wondered if this is how life is supposed to be. I had mastered the art of convincing myself that life happens to everyone so they had no capacity to care for me; I had no intention of being a burden, I didn’t think I was that valuable.

I greatly admired Dr Angelou and out of the numerous wise things I had listened to her say, something that stood out for me in one of her videos was when she mentioned, “I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me………I don’t ever feel like I have no help”. She was talking about people who had been ‘rainbows in her clouds’. At different points these words came to memory, even though I didn’t practice it. Then one day, years after first hearing this interview, two interventions from some friends and a chat with my mother, I fully experienced it. I realized I had people, however few who loved me, who refused to allow me stay in my hole, people who have been kind to me (without expecting any form of compensation or return) and I knew that I couldn’t let them down.

I also knew that I needed to bring them along with me as a constant reminder when clouds gathered because that happened frequently. I wasn’t relying on them for my happiness or progress; that was a separate and very personal journey. But it was truly important that I recognized that God allowed me to experience the little note on my Post-it through them; I knew I had to get up and be that person for some other people too.

So this is me telling you, you reading this, that “you are greatly loved. You may not always remember or feel that way but know that you’re highly esteemed in someone’s eyes. There are people who genuinely want you to succeed and be happy. And when you find them, be grateful for them. Above all these, there is a God and His Love for you can’t be compared to any other.”

“I am a Bobbi Brown in a Ru Paul world”

The first time I thought of this was a few weeks ago and the line kept replaying in my mind; I had been thinking of my year so far, floating between being proud of my growth and breathing through an anxiety attack due to all I know I still had to deal with. And one of the thoughts dominant in my mind was makeup and my journey in that industry. I have been in love with makeup since I was a child, from about 4 years old I knew eye pencils and lipsticks (my mother's); in Primary school I knew Fashion Fair and Estee Lauder and I buried myself in any Ebony Magazine I could find; I was obsessed with ‘Video fashion’ (and any other programme that showed backstage fashion shows).

Through secondary school and University, I stuck with this obsession and it was true love. And other people saw it too – anytime a family member travelled to another country, I was the one they bought a beauty product for. I imagined being a Makeup Artist in the glamorous world of Fashion and Beauty but for reasons I do not remember now I did not voice out my dream until I was much older and the Makeup Industry had become ‘a thing’ in Nigeria and the world. As I gained the freedom to pursue this career, I went to Makeup schools, got certified, watched endless videos, stayed with the trends and spent a fortune on a still growing makeup collection. Yet,  after a few years I wasn’t happy; I was bored and I wasn’t getting as much Joy as I did when I was younger but I couldn’t figure out why.

I did notice certain things – my makeup looks seemed to always be subtle, on either me or others I just could not seem to get the certain looks the ladies preferred or trends demanded; I started getting really lazy to even wear makeup on myself and friends started paying other makeup artists when they had events while I became the designated go-to girl for free services or Consultation. I was disappointed in them and wondered if they were good people for not supporting me. I mean I went for courses and master classes, bought and read books, I knew products like I know my name but I got no satisfaction and definitely no profits because I wasn’t getting clients as frequently as I needed to in order to remain in business. I was also disappointed in myself and I began to question this dream I always had and even believed I wasn’t good enough to be in this industry.

I also noticed that I had become more interested in skin, facial features and how people perceived themselves as beautiful or not. I enjoyed telling people what to buy and selling it to them more than I enjoyed the process of applying makeup. I struggled with this for years, it was painful to deal with and I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. I believed I had found my path in Makeup but it was killing me. I decided to take a break but it was like being in an abusive relationship, because at the slightest sign or chance of things getting better, I would run back and then something would go off again.

A series of other events took place and I decided to focus on other things mainly self-development related. And that’s when I realised that I had to stop being so defeatist and deal. I needed to know ME- who I was years ago, who I had become and who I desire to be.  I learnt that it is okay if I change my mind about a dream I once had. That I didn’t have to wait for validation from other people who no matter how close they are to me, cannot walk my journey the way I am required to. That their alleged betrayal was a push I needed for a brutally honest self-evaluation.  The most liberating was that it is possible for me to absolutely love Makeup and not be a commercial Makeup Artist; no matter the amount of years and resources spent on this, I have no regrets. My knowledge and passion for Makeup will definitely be to my advantage as I advise and sell products to people.

I still know how to apply makeup when the need or demand requires me to do so but I feel no shame or pressure or anger when someone picks another over me (just respect yourself and do not ask me for free makeup sha). I will wear makeup forever; I will be the cool Grandma in Red lipstick and lashes. And please note this family and friends - I want dark purple lips, winged eyeliner and highlighter (that the Angels can see from a yonder place as they welcome me) on my face as I am being buried. Don’t even play with me else my ghost will come remind you all, Lol!

My point is, it is okay to walk away. There are so many things you will do as you try to find that one thing that brings complete fulfilment however you need to OWN IT! Own the time, the process and even the pain of letting go of what once was. Take charge of who you are and your experiences and do not let anyone use it as a weapon to hurt you. Educate yourself, there isn’t just one or straight way to do something, gain from it or love it! I have learnt to do what I have to do until I can do what I want to do. It doesn’t mean I have lost! This journey of Self-discovery and reclaiming my confidence has even opened my eyes to other enjoyable and profitable opportunities in the same Makeup and Beauty industry. So while I genuinely enjoy the endless colors, the drag and extraness of Ru Paul, in my heart maybe I am the calm- love yourself first- soft makeup wearing Bobbi Brown and to be truly happy, I just needed to stop trying so hard to fit in.

**my use of the characters is not in any way meant to elevate one person over the other. I absolutely love and admire both personalities, so let’s not over think it *smile*. Happy New Year!!!!

I got my heart broken…again

The image above is a quote I created August 2016 and put up on my Instagram page the morning I quit my job; it seemed random because I woke up that morning NOT knowing I would quit even though I had seen it coming for weeks. I was existing daily with a broken heart and I just felt led to share that message even though I wasn’t following my own advice.

In a few days, I would celebrate 1 year anniversary of being self-employed. To be honest, I cringed a little when I typed that because a part of me remembered my mum’s voice telling me a while ago to try to get a job and I am almost faithless enough to also believe that’s what I need. Do not get it wrong, I am NOT against being an employee, in fact I have friends who are working for other people, presently wealthier and more fulfilled than me. But maybe that has not always been my ‘luck’.

I have been out of job before but this one feels different; maybe because I am more aware or I am tired of being ‘romanced’ by insincere business owners who make me believe my aspirations fit into their organizations but end up being abusive, or I am done with making bad choices and would rather just focus on growing what I can call my own and truly offer my best to people; at least the mistakes and victories will be all mine. Whatever it is though, I do know that a few months ago, I made up my mind to be more assertive, decisive and intentional; which for me included making decisions and sticking through until the end even if I found myself alone on that train. I have succeeded in a few (which sadly I haven’t appreciated enough). 

Of all the items on my list I made, I chased and prayed for 2 the most but it felt like they both eluded me with each passing day. I didn’t give up though; I kept telling myself that these were things I wanted with genuinely good intentions and which will make life better for even other people around me. I even told myself that I would follow these through to prove a point to myself that I was strong willed, hardworking and faithful. But as time passed, I knew in a way that I could not deny that they wouldn’t happen when I wanted and how I wanted them.

I was disappointed! That is putting it mildly; and just like my life a year before, I was heartbroken!

But God has a sense of humour (that’s how I choose to see it) because for the past few days, several Bible passages I have stumbled on and even random social media posts have somewhat been designed to comfort me or help me see clearly. Hearing an actor talk about “the best thing that never happened” for him which ended up being a blessing or a successful cosmetic line owner talking about how she couldn’t get an education she truly needed a few years ago because she couldn’t afford it. And then people I didn’t share anything with but who just had honest things to say to me and even someone I once considered an ‘enemy’ showing up with help.

What truly baffles me is how I am so exhausted and hurt, yet a part of me I can’t explain brought out a notebook and began to write out the next best plan and how to shift my focus to work with and build what I have left. My faith is shattered but hope stands determined to place the pieces together. Like my heart is aching but my mind is working out a plan to heal the pain! Feels like a big rock is sitting in my chest but my body can carry it as if it weighs a feather. Maybe another being is living the days while my body stays in bed.

So that is what I have chosen to celebrate, that I have grown enough to still be functional and progressive even in the midst of this. The Anu of before would have died in heart and mind (while waiting for body to follow) and completely missed out on seeing the chance to get up quickly and get on with it! I won’t have seen that I can push through whatever opposes me. I won’t have seen that those 2 things can still come for me, they just haven’t happened on my own terms and timing and that has to be okay.

I recognize now more than ever that disappointments do not mean the end or that you did something wrong, or that you didn’t do enough, sometimes it means you need to re-route or it’s not yet time.

“With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.” - Max Ehrmann, Desiderata