I will get Flowers

The first time I saw the image above, tears came to my eyes; for those who know me I can be dramatic so I had a moment of dropping my phone and leaning back because it hit me. I saw it on Instagram and though the publisher’s caption was talking about being optimistic, the word that screamed at me was RESPONSIBILITY! It is MY job to do the work to see (receive) what I want.

Very recently I have learnt to do; to do for me! Because anxiety, self-criticism and self-doubt are real struggles I deal with; I would often consider so many other things and people before acting. And it’s not like I have lost my kindness to others, I just learnt to be kind to me too.

I have a practice of stopping mid thought and evaluate why I am feeling some type of way; to honestly show myself the root of that emotion and if it is valid. For me this is part of taking responsibility because I have resolved to heal.

It won’t always be earth-shattering or with fireworks; truth is real progress is quiet, lonely and painful like a seed bursting through the soil with force to reach for the surface as a beautiful flower. I am not sure there was ever a flower that grew half way through the soil and said “I am not doing again!” (Even if there was, don’t be that flower).

I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like it’s just made up of chores and continuous efforts to always feel ready for or certain of what should happen.

I won’t lie and say I don’t understand what the first character is saying; I mean “what is funny?” In these 5 months of 2019, I have been stretched beyond what I thought was possible but I also have an unshakeable conviction that only death is final. As long as I have been blessed with the miracle of life, I will consistently take the responsibility to plant flowers; beautiful flowers so that, that is what I will get. Yes, there may be thorns but that’s okay too.

I will get on my knees, get my hands dirty and do the work, and I am sure God will bless it and give me a harvest- a harvest I can share with others who need flowers too.