I am not here to play

I have never been that person…

Even when I was young and I was allowed to play, I didn’t

I am not the girl you keep at the phone waiting for no reason just to receive your call.

I am not the girl who you say ‘A’ to and act out ‘B’

I am not the one you keep waiting.

You do not try to push butterflies down my throat, into my stomach and then make me vomit them.

I am not the one you keep guessing because you will be disappointed.

It may seem like I am playing along but I am watching silently while you teach me the art

So by the time another of your kind comes along, he doesn’t even need to speak before I know what he is made of.

I am not the girl whose love you awaken or trust you claim to want and then can’t handle it when I give you a preview.

I do not know in between; I swing between ‘I like you’ and ‘I have no regard for your existence’

This comes in varying degrees but never a perfect blend to accept your idiocy.

I have a low threshold for deceit regardless of who is trying to dish it out to me.

I do not hold a grudge if you genuinely have no interest in what I am about

But darling do not feel the need to hold on to my precious time just to massage your ego, you may end up hurt!

I am alone not lonely and I didn’t ask for your help!

I am awesome……a beautiful expression of the good in your life.

I am peace…….bringing calm, joy and a break from your chaos.

I am solid…….the unwavering solace you fall back to when you are in over your head.

I am magnificent……appealing, warming your senses, fanning your flames.

I am wisdom…..protecting your throne as King.

I am the armour bearer……covering your vulnerability, fighting your demons.

I am NOT the one to mess with, do not pervert my powers.

I will always flow with life yet do not feel the need to make the job of tending harder for he who is worthy.

I did not offer you anything, you came to seek and I convinced myself you were deserving of the gifts.

I am not your mother; you did not come to me as a child therefore I have no responsibility to nurse you.

I am willing to share but kindly grow up and earn these blessings; we do not cast pearls to swine or wear diamonds on children.

So get serious, MAN UP or piss off!!! Thank you very much.

I forgot I was Beautiful

 

I miss smiling; like a genuine smile that comes from your feet and passes through your body, exploding  through your heart and shows forth on your lips but your eyes carry all the shine; the type of smile that people ask you “what is funny?” or “What is doing this one?” The type of smile that you can’t explain yet you know it in your mind that the sun is shining and that’s good enough for you.

I miss writing; I miss being overwhelmed by an emotion and pouring it out through my fingers, typing or writing on ‘paper’ for others to read and maybe feel what I did too (or criticize me but at least they read it)

**To those who check my blog often I’m truly sorry I haven’t posted in a while, forgive me.

I miss spreading out my makeup, basking in the euphoria of having so much colour and products around me then sweeping my magic brushes across someone’s face; making her even more beautiful. I miss the joy that glows, when she can’t put down the mirror because she can’t believe the confirmation of her beauty in her reflection.

I miss ‘easy’; when I didn’t worry a guy was playing me or trying to waste my time; when I could actually enjoy watching a movie without being afraid of how those two hours could be used for something else; when I didn’t worry that a friend wasn’t loyal; when I didn’t worry about being able to WIN!

I miss being able to enjoy the rain and appreciate how it helps things grow but rather I worry how I would get wet on my way to work because I don’t have a car; I miss being able to eat my favourite things without worrying of the consequences and I miss being able to pray, to think with a clear mind and not be consumed with negative thoughts of my unworthiness.

And although I don’t remember the process but I know for a truth a slow and firm change occurred and stole me away. I allowed life and its inevitable experiences to make me forget that despite all, I AM BEAUTIFUL; me and all that I am about. Not just the physical or superficial beauty but one that can be described as ‘good spirit’.

I told a friend recently “Everything is trying to kill you! Even the person inside you is trying to kill you!” He laughed and didn’t agree but that is exactly how I felt at the time; something was really trying to stifle me and kill me before I was truly dead.

So I’m re-learning to smile and not worry about what the next person thinks of my bent big front tooth, Lol! I’m re-learning that bad situations and feelings don’t last that long except I choose to nurse it and grow it till I can’t control it.

I’m re-learning to simply enjoy how expressing my talents bring joy to others. I’m learning how to enjoy rides in a taxi or commercial tricycle (Keke) because at least I don’t have to walk such long distances (and believe me almost all Keke drivers are ridiculously funny) because I can afford transportation.

I’m also re-learning to get up and DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!! NOBODY is to blame for what did or didn’t work out. To stop contradicting myself; to stop being dramatic about my experiences and to FOCUS on the right thing per time.

I talk to myself a lot more nowadays; I tell myself that I’m doing ok…..actually I’m doing great. If I could just RELAX, know what is right for me and go for that; and above all God loves me; I forget that too often so I settle for what I think is good enough for me, ignoring what is the greatest.

The old me isn’t dead; we’ve met a few times recently and she is still the coolest and a little crazy! Lool! But she is older, wiser, stronger and yes STILL very beautiful with a healthy ego too!