A LETTER

Dear darling,

I have been meaning to write to you for a long time, life has been happening but mainly I have been ashamed and unsure of what to say…….

I am sorry for settling

I am sorry for knowing the right thing and not doing it

I am sorry for accommodating abuse and letting people treat us like we are not great

I am sorry for not being brave even when it was clear that was the solution

I am sorry for being lazy

I am sorry for not believing we could be better

I am sorry for not doing the work

I am sorry for giving in to the lies I told us and lies from others too

I am sorry for closing my eyes to the answers God gave us whenever I asked

I am sorry for abandoning you even when I knew you were relying on me

I am sorry for knowing that the longer I denied ‘our life’ the longer it would take for us to get to that place of being in The Center.

I am sorry for giving in to depression, anxiety and numbness, I really didn’t want to

I am sorry for ignoring you even though technically I couldn’t so I stood with my back to you

I am sorry for stifling our talents and how amazing I know we can be

I am sorry for making us available to be used

I am sorry for throwing away some of our blessings

I am sorry for being so angry

I am sorry for not holding on to God with two hands and heart

I am sorry for being a Yoyo; inconsistent and lacking disciple

But I am Grateful……….

Grateful for the darkness; I can now navigate through it even with little light

I still don’t have it figured out but I think I am more in control

I think this because I tell myself the truth now

I let us grow through the emotions because I am experienced enough to know it is all fleeting.

I am Grateful for the pain; it means I am still alive; we are still alive

I am most Grateful for HOPE; Pure beautiful Hope.

Hope makes me look back and say that experience was so okay that I almost welcome it!

I read somewhere that “Hindsight is Thick skinned”, there is no lie there

People say I am strong but they don’t know the journey to this place.

It doesn’t help that my memory is amazing so I have vivid images of every detail.

It’s easy to rest in shame and self-loathing but I receive enough courage daily to counter these thoughts.

I am Grateful that even though I haven’t figured it all out or gathered all the strength, even though I know there will be future mistakes and I still need so much clarity, I am not afraid.

I am now reminded every moment that we possess the ability to handle.

I love us and how I can now listen when you speak; even though I am stubborn and rebellious, and my mistakes hurt you, you watch me fall and stay in the dirt with me until we rise up again.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not letting me kill you when I convinced myself that was the best option.

Thank you for standing tall with an armor; for being the armor sometimes.

THANK MY DEAR DARLING.

A letter to me, a letter to the girl I used to be, a letter to the woman I was supposed to become, a letter to my soul, a letter to the part of me that is in sync with God.