A familiar face

Recently a friend asked me what I would consider my greatest regret and I said, “being afraid”. You see fear has been an acquaintance, who has traveled life’s journey with me, making itself available in varying degrees. Through childhood, exams, jobs, relationships, how I show up in the world, and sadly sometimes it’s there even in how I serve God.  

The thing about fear is that it grows, it takes up space the more you allow it, it will clog your mind and attack rational thoughts until you are left with a distorted reality. Though you recognize it yet you do nothing to keep it away. Fear also has messengers, so somethings will appear to validate it.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do- I had always possessed an ability to see and tell a story from experiences and imagination. Recently, I feared I had lost that ability. The trip is that I write for a living yet I managed to convince myself that I am a terrible writer. However, in the midst of the turmoil, I have been haunted with dreams and thoughts of writing. When I use the word ‘haunted’, I know what I am saying, it's everywhere I turn; random encounters and conversations, first few thoughts when I am trying to wake up, social media posts, from the lips of strangers and even my ‘Badassery’ calendar with its inspirational quotes.

When these things show up, I am often armed with a ready excuse – “I am swamped with work”, “I don’t know how to write interesting stuff anymore”, “no one will read it”, “my English is terrible”, “I am not a happy person and it shows in what I write”, “I am too distracted to arrange my thoughts”, and the list goes on and on.

When I run out of these excuses or gather the motivation, the ever-loyal procrastination shows up, so that next thing I know, it's 4 weeks after the day I promised to write. And like clockwork, in strolls self-judgment, condemning me for not keeping my word to myself. It is exhausting I promise you.

On the last day of August, a few memorable things happened to me and I recall thinking I need to do something about how I feel right now. Once again, fear waltzed to the surface as I began to wonder how I would maintain what I considered a good ‘mental space’. Fear does not only project possible doom, you can also be afraid of success or good things – wondering how long it will last and what to do to maintain its consistency. That evening I hung out with a few people and as the night ended, I was given an assignment – TO JUST WRITE! Something honest, even if just three lines, anything at all and throw it into the world.

So this is it, this is my attempt at a comeback. I am still afraid though, I wonder if this is too much or too little. However, thankfully you are reading it. I do not know the direction this will go but I will write, about anything that comes to heart, in whatever capacity and quality of work but I will do this and whatever else I need to….I will do it afraid!

Fear is ok

Fear is a constant companion

Not paranoia that there is a monster under my bed or behind the door; I have embraced the truth that there are unseen creatures constantly lurking so it’s fine

I mean full blown trepidation that used to completely hinder my life’s progress and because I genuinely believed things ought to be better than they were, I was sad, felt powerless and alienated myself from opportunities; I didn’t feel worthy or adequate

I was often worried about people’s opinion if they heard I tried something and failed so I didn’t go for what I wanted. And even when I succeeded or made progress, I didn’t want to spread the news because I felt it was only a matter of time before I fell back into the dark low place.

Consistency demanded so much more than I was sometimes willing to give.

But I learnt something truly vital; that it is wise to document my wins! Because that is what will keep me going. I am often anxious of the future so I decided to focus and be a good version of myself right now! To be present and deal with my ‘now’ because my daily good ‘nows’ will cumulate and make it somewhat easier to have a good tomorrow as well.

I tell myself “You are an amazing human being not a perfect one; your flaws and failures are part of the package. And being on top today, below tomorrow and then on top again is such a success story in itself that it can actually help others get up too.”

How great does it feel to know your ‘supposedly insignificant self’ helped someone else be significant? This is easier said than done but we truly need to learn how to keep going in spite of all.

I have had days of lying down in the dark, with absolutely no strength to cry. I have been so cynical to man and God that I was filled with shame when I recovered and wondered how God forgave me with all the things I allowed dwell in my mind. I have questioned my faith and love and heart and wished for death more times than I would like to admit – for myself and for others.

I have seen good things happen to me yet in the process of celebrating a voice would rise up in my head telling me how I shouldn’t be happy because it will be short lived and almost instantly I would forget my blessings and become afraid or moody for no reason.

It is not a good life to live and I did it for too long but I have decided to stay on the path of recovery; to act in spite of my fears, to learn what I do not know, to get up yet again no matter how many times I lapse and to not look at other people’s journey while I am on mine.

The beautiful truth is in all that darkness, the stars still shone!  

When what you don’t see makes you blind

I looked up and couldn’t see anything, I blinked a few times but nothing had changed, it was still dark

I held my head in my hands and wept, body racking sobs because I knew “this wasn’t it!”

..…Yesterday I could see clearly, there was light; I believed I was going somewhere and even though the path wasn’t always clear, I had strength, I had plans and most importantly I had hope.

Yet today I have been side tracked, blinded by a raging fear of the unknown; “What if I fail?”, “What if I make a grave mistake?”, “what if they laugh at me?”, “What if I disappoint my family?”, “What if I never recover from this fall?”

 Questions and more questions sprang up; ugly scenarios and pictures of the worst that could be. And slowly they took over my mind until I believed every lie and saw myself as incompetent; already a failure even before I tried anything.

I heard my heart beat in my ears and several times I believed my heart would stop because of the intensity with which it worked. I still couldn’t see anything; fear had rendered me completely without vision and unable to make my way forward so I stayed rooted in one spot and even though I complained and longed for more I didn’t get it because I did nothing!

And then someone said “what’s the worst that could happen?” I almost laughed for lack of a better way to respond because I thought “hasn’t it already?!” But slowly I realized that I can’t seem to be able to describe what this “worst case” is; I couldn’t narrate to another person what the problem truly was or why I was so afraid and it hit me that I had totally forgotten all I had ever succeeded at in the past simply because I had slowly but firmly allowed fear make me blind!

So I prayed (and cried a few more times) but I got up from the spot and decided to move (at whatever pace I could handle); I also told myself that if I had failed at all I ever did in my life then I most likely won’t be at the place I am now (a place some people have even confessed to envying).

Fear possesses the power we relinquish to it so I’ll keep walking, on days I fall then I’ll crawl but I HAVE to move or else it may kill me; I’ve learnt the hard way that being static because of fear is one of the worst things to experience.  And on days I have ‘a major burst of faith’ I’ll jump off the cliff because I believe one of these three things will happen: God would give me wings to fly (send an angel or massive bird to catch me if He knows I won’t flap my wings before I hit the ground); He’ll cushion my landing; or would allow me fall, get hurt (yet not to the point of death so I’ll learn my lessons) then heal me quickly and I’ll be better for it!