DIY Therapy: What I learnt about Giving

Lately I’ve been thinking about ‘my heart condition’ which inevitably often leads me to think of my relationship with family, friends, strangers and even God. I also wondered if I genuinely know how to love or if I’ve just mastered a habit of being nice, generous and tolerant because I have a conscience or because the world sees this as good and acceptable.

It’s often easier to assume that to prevent constant hurt after being rejected, disappointed, angry, betrayed or disrespected is to keep to yourself and not give people a chance to take you for granted or throw their evil card at you but I doubt that’s the essence of relationships or life! I’ve gone through the ‘cynical phase’ a number of times and I realise that every time I’ve allowed myself sink to this place, I actually lose a piece of me when I eventually walk out of the hole so I’ve learnt that though you can’t avoid hurt, it’s best not to expect it yet let go when it happens.

Few weeks ago I saw the Tyler Perry Movie ‘For Colored Girls’ for like the 3rd and a quarter time (I often skip parts of the movie so can’t really count how many times I’ve seen it). Anyway what kept going through my mind was “this isn’t just for colored girls, this is for the whole world!” Every character had deliberately tried to become numb to all they were going through and most likely promised it would never happen again but the truth is they were hurting and as well had to endure a vicious cycle of painful experiences; giving up their heart, their sensitivity and ultimately a healthy ability to love or love the right way.

All humans, especially women are created with a capacity to express emotion, trying to withdraw or become immune will only help you lose touch with reality and at the end of the day stop you from knowing how to receive and consequently  give the true love we actually crave for in the first place. And when someone wants to genuinely share affection we automatically go into ‘No feeling/battle zone’; eyes on fire, thick walls over our hearts; titanium protective suit comes on and our guns are blazing ready to be fired into the heart of the one who is NOT our enemy!

We can shift the blame to other people and situations; “gave too much leverage in a relationship”, “wasn’t given what I was promised or expected”, “didn’t receive love as a child”, “I have to be strong because no one else will for me” etc. I don’t discredit the effect of these issues on our heart and I know avoiding bitterness isn’t easy however, have we stopped to love ourselves powerfully enough to decide to rise above these issues and make better choices?! I think we ought to stop, then breathe because most of us are dead- we float through our daily routines, with our face set and tough skin, expecting people to accept whatever we throw at them claiming “this is who I am” or believing we’re doing them a favour by even sharing a part of us but we are dead because holding your breathe, being over cautious or constantly expecting negativity is so exhausting, it can kill! You have no idea!

So I’m done! It may take me years but I’m willing to give love than always waiting to receive the limited or conditional version human beings have to offer me; I’m willing to be a source of Joy rather than stay angry at those who want to take from me at the slightest chance. And I’m going to enjoy the genuine love of family and true friends per time because I can’t always control others’ heart condition or intention. But most importantly I’m going to accept God’s love, I’m going to allow Him teach me how to love Him, how to GIVE that love to others, how to make better choices and how to let go of what I shouldn’t be holding on to.

Happy Easter!!!

Hollywood and the moral of their movies

I watched one of my favourite movies (The Dark Knight Rises) again recently and somewhere in the middle (when Bane was standing on a tank in front of the prison, addressing the people of Gotham to take justice into their hands) I had to pause and think about the actor who played this character.

Tom Hardy who played Bane in the movie had 3months of grueling physical training to gain 30 pounds, learn various fighting styles and have a tight mask molded for his face to play the role of this villain who almost killed Batman. Beyond physical appearance, some actors need to change accents and mannerisms, act psychotic or quit certain habits. If that is not devotion to the job and excellence, I wonder what is.

Hardy isn’t the only actor who has had to make drastic changes to his/her appearance to perfectly play a role. Recently I had this discussion with a group of people and someone pointed out that of course these Hollywood actors will be willing to do anything because of what they are paid; as much as I agree, I believe for them it’s beyond the money, they know and are convinced beyond a doubt that the only way they can accomplish their dreams of being world-renowned entertainers is if they maintain that spirit and acts of excellence.

I guess that’s why the movie industry called ‘Hollywood’ has existed for what seems like forever and will remain an industry worth billions of dollars –all the players understand the need to be excellent.

How many of us put in our all in what we do? How many of us consistently and unfailingly keep upgrading our skills or are willing to pay ‘the price’ for that which we want?

Most of us may have heard Tyler Perry’s story and how he suffered rejection severally until things started working out and now regardless of how predictable some of his movies can be, we remain fans of his work and he’s a millionaire simply from telling stories!

I sometimes get scared to write and post an article because I wonder how people will react or if it’s good enough. But if I don’t fail at least once how would I know when I get it right? And who even said I’ll fail? I worry that whatever industry I want to break into is already ‘full’ but I’m sure the sky is wide enough for all species of birds if not God would have made plans to expand the space.

I have seen that excellence is a global language; there are no standards or levels of excellence, it’s the same level in China, US, Nigeria and Australia. And if whatever you want to achieve or who you want to be doesn’t reach that global standard then forget about your dream of world domination. I figure that’s why someone like Deola Sagoe can make clothes for Hollywood stars because of the undeniable excellence in her product and service- they want the solution she is offering and are not bothered about her nationality.

However if your dream is to cater to the 100 people in your neighborhood please I have nothing against you and I don’t judge where you are but for those of us who know we have been called to deal with more than our immediate surroundings, it’s time to buckle up and be ‘uncompromisingly excellent’!