That thing at my back

 

I did a double take

“Is that me or another human growing behind me?”

It’s not even possible

Or so I thought

In my beautiful purple and white cardigan top, dancing& lifting up holy hands in church when I saw it, the much dreaded monster

“Love Handles”

Such a beautiful name but causes the most depressing feelings with such evil consequences.

I saw my (as I personalize this it breaks my heart) my love handle in my ……wait for it……. I saw my love handle in my shadow!

You didn’t hear me abi?

How can I see my love handle in my shadow, meaning it has grown its own personality which dwells in a separate body attached to my real ‘medium’ sized body!!!

The horror I felt can’t be typed. Finally it was time to wake up!

Over the years I’ve watched my weight fluctuate, but in all this I’ve never been skinny and I have no plans to be (even if sef, my big head and genes won’t permit)

But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being fit, why do I have to go up a flight of stairs and almost pass out?

Why must I wear a jacket I bought this year and suck belle so much but still the button doesn’t close?

Why do I have to pack my lovely lace dress on a trip to a friend’s wedding and then the zipper gets stuck half way up and I have to totally change my whole outfit and end up having a bad day for feeling like a blob?

Why do I have to hate taking photographs because I’m afraid I will just ‘block’ everybody and fill up the whole picture space?

Why do I have to try to get everyone I meet to sit down on my ‘good side’ so they won’t easily spot my double chin?

Why do I have to keep looking for black clothes because the color creates an illusion of being slim when I can enjoy the purple and orange and the great glow bright colors give me?

Why do I have to stop dancing (something I absolutely love to do) just because I feel heavy and I fear I’ll look ridiculous when moving?

Why do I have to feel like I committed murder because I choose to enjoy a scrumptious meal or a bar of chocolate?

Laugh or judge but I know some of you know what I’m talking about.

There are also a lot of people who know me and may insult me for being unsatisfied with my body and even judge me for being fake because I’m not fat but I’m a strong believer in “If you don’t like it, then change it”

So this is what I’m going to do (which I have already started as I write this)

-         I’ll start working out (not vigorously because I can’t die abeg)

-         I’ll watch what I eat (this is a major task because I don’t eat real food much but don’t leave me with things like biscuit and noodles when I don’t feel like cooking)

-         I’ll dance as much as I can (in my house sha) because my evil extra body won’t steal my joy away and dancing will actually help my lazy workout routine

-         I’ll become accountable to fellow people who genuinely want to be fit but won’t judge me when I fail and consume that plate of Spaghetti and Corn beef stew.

-         I’ll pray. YES I will pray because getting into shape like any other life altering decision takes Grace, Inner strength and determination. Anyone who has died before (maybe not literally) but has been in a low place can relate to this, that getting back up is hard and there are times you’ll just rather stay down; there are times the darkness is comfortable because walking and working to the light takes too much stress and sometimes on the road back to recovery we stumble and fall and times like that we feel “I can never get better”, “What is the point?”.

But the point is this; regardless of what dress size, picture size or real bone size (we women tend to separate it as if it’s not all one body?) Remember “I’m BEAUTIFUL!” not because I have to sing it into my ears all the time but because I can look into the mirror and see it and FEEL it.

I want to bask in the Euphoria of being able to say, “You see that waist right there; I maintained its small size because I stayed strong and determined in my exercises” Or “I have good skin not thanks to Mary Kay Foundation (even though I swear by it) but because I drink lots of water and eat the right things so I'm not always looking stressed and tired”

There is something about setting a target and achieving that goal.  For there was a time I was hunched over, trying to suck in my stomach, in the process creating a semi hunch back but now to be able to walk with my head high, back straight, eyes shining and unafraid that the looks I’m getting are not silently mocking me.

I have plus size friends and family members ( if there was ever a war between the skinny and the heavy girls I’ll proudly fight on the team of the ‘Fabulous And Thick’ )and I admire the way they dress and walk confidently. But I believe a person will be truly confident if she/he is comfortable in their skin and since I’m not, then I’ll change the situation.

So watch out for this soon to be extremely fit, curvy and love-handle-less Lady! : )