I Fight for My Mind

One statement I make often in the place of prayer is “God, Thank You that I have not lost my mind!” because I know that is quite easy to do. Everything we go through is a form of contention for the peace that is so pertinent for progress to take place. The mind is a blessing and a curse; I have died a thousand deaths in my lifetime because I genuinely felt like that would be a solution to its tumult. In recent times, I have learnt not to desire this ‘death’ for I see now the calm I seek is not in death but in ‘control’. I also think that is the difference; the thin line between mental wellness and illness. This has made me more sensitive to those suffering mental illnesses (which note are not only those roaming the streets naked).

I think it is the minds natural disposition to be unsettled; it also does not help that there are forces that are by default designed to oppose the harmonious working of our mental faculties and space. Google says our mind includes “our consciousness, perception, thinking, judgement, and memory”. And it “holds the power of imagination, recognition, and appreciation, and is responsible for processing feelings and emotions, resulting in attitudes and actions.”

I have experienced countless times, my memory working against my better judgement therefore I lose a good thing because I convinced myself that a past hurtful event will repeat itself in my present or future. I have experienced someone else’s perverted perception of affection and now I have to live through almost a lifetime of self-loath, blame, shame and regret which has made my appreciation or acceptance of love queer. And do not even get me started on my imagination; often diverse, colourful and limitless but I have been told I am unrealistic and weird which initiates lasting negative emotion so there is so much ‘FULL’ in me but I cannot express so what am I to do with all that? And then the attainment of what we conceive success to be; where did that come from? And why does anxiety or fear take no permission before they sit there and ruin my life’s every action?

My life has not gone as planned and I do not know what to do so I pretend that I am fine. I mean how does one confess to being clueless about everything? Religion teaches us to be content but even God knows and promises that there is more so why the disparity? I was told I have to struggle but for what? The work and causes I have taken up in the past, left me more disappointed and faithless; discouraged to involve myself in another but I am tired of being stagnant. And it is hard to admit that I get jealous when I see other people work at something and seem to impart and succeed so where did I get it wrong?

I am afraid to be completely unashamedly honest; I am at the risk of being mocked or taken for granted or labelled. People often misunderstand my genuineness and intentions no matter the mode of dissemination or how I arrange my words. I see honesty is now the well painted picture a person replays often enough until it becomes their reality yet that is not me.

If I cry, they will call me weak. If I want to be alone, they will say I am a snob or socially awkward or I have changed and if I just decide to stay in my mind, I fear the demons I have to fight there so where really is there peace? Sometimes I wonder what the peace that comes with dying feels like but I am not courageous enough to take my own life. And I also believe murder is a sin that guarantees an eternity in hell.

I am yet to fully attain the ‘control’ I mentioned but I know I am on that journey; I get the feeling it will be long and my only recommendation for those who seek same is to get in there and FIGHT!; Fight because your life does depend on it; don’t let ‘them’ win. Fighting can include facing the demons, the memories and the thoughts; praying your heart out to God daily; speaking to a professional who can help; crying and venting then getting over it. But I know that the flip side of the mind which I called a blessing is its amazing ability to heal itself; to open itself up to the light that can dispel the darkness of the curse. Only the mind can heal the mind! Those who have mastered the control are those who are tuned in more to the Light than the darkness; who recognise when the darkness comes knocking and no matter the threats, can subdue it by simply staying in the light.

And so I pray that EVERY moment of your life, no matter what you are experiencing, you remember that you already have the power; you can and you will reach for and dwell in the Light, for that is where peace resides, not perfection but peace! And that is enough for now

I think I talk too much

I do not mean being a chatter box and just disturbing everyone’s peace but I mean constantly saying what is on my mind or asking questions

And it has got me in trouble or being misunderstood.

I hate assumptions so if there is something in my head, I think it is only right that I ask or state it so I can have understanding and know how to act rather than sit down, thinking and guessing what the truth could be.

When I am stuck in this place of not being sure if I should say anything it completely unnerves me and I have no peace. And when I feel the peace I crave being threatened I recoil; from the person or the situation.

I realised this is normal with a lot of people; not willing to talk and just let things slide which I think is immature and frustrating. I used to hate confrontation but I see now that it wasn’t addressing people that worried me, it was being able to get my point or enquiry across clearly without being offensive or misinterpreted.

I was talking about this with a friend and I asked her if it was possible this was a problem peculiar to people of my nationality? Or were people that way all over the world? Not willing to talk and express their truth? So they send mixed signals or display various negative emotions without even being conscious and considerate of it.

I think it is weakness or laziness because when you get a vibe or you are unsure of what to do, it requires that you take the time to think objectively, honestly, to be sure of what you do not understand, how it makes you feel and also what you want so that your questions and conversation will bring you the answers and clarity you desire and by effect peace in your relationships.

While I typed this post, I took a break to scroll through Instagram and I found a quote by Alicia Keys talking about how she no longer wants to cover up who she truly is; so maybe that is my same dilemma, maybe I am too open and I expect same from people; there is no need to keep anyone guessing or confused, there is no gain in that!

I want to know where I stand; with friends, as I handle daily deliverables at home, at work, in my business dealings and even with my partner. If another person can give me answers then I will seek; I think it should be that simple so why do people prefer complicated?

I am not here to play

I have never been that person…

Even when I was young and I was allowed to play, I didn’t

I am not the girl you keep at the phone waiting for no reason just to receive your call.

I am not the girl who you say ‘A’ to and act out ‘B’

I am not the one you keep waiting.

You do not try to push butterflies down my throat, into my stomach and then make me vomit them.

I am not the one you keep guessing because you will be disappointed.

It may seem like I am playing along but I am watching silently while you teach me the art

So by the time another of your kind comes along, he doesn’t even need to speak before I know what he is made of.

I am not the girl whose love you awaken or trust you claim to want and then can’t handle it when I give you a preview.

I do not know in between; I swing between ‘I like you’ and ‘I have no regard for your existence’

This comes in varying degrees but never a perfect blend to accept your idiocy.

I have a low threshold for deceit regardless of who is trying to dish it out to me.

I do not hold a grudge if you genuinely have no interest in what I am about

But darling do not feel the need to hold on to my precious time just to massage your ego, you may end up hurt!

I am alone not lonely and I didn’t ask for your help!

I am awesome……a beautiful expression of the good in your life.

I am peace…….bringing calm, joy and a break from your chaos.

I am solid…….the unwavering solace you fall back to when you are in over your head.

I am magnificent……appealing, warming your senses, fanning your flames.

I am wisdom…..protecting your throne as King.

I am the armour bearer……covering your vulnerability, fighting your demons.

I am NOT the one to mess with, do not pervert my powers.

I will always flow with life yet do not feel the need to make the job of tending harder for he who is worthy.

I did not offer you anything, you came to seek and I convinced myself you were deserving of the gifts.

I am not your mother; you did not come to me as a child therefore I have no responsibility to nurse you.

I am willing to share but kindly grow up and earn these blessings; we do not cast pearls to swine or wear diamonds on children.

So get serious, MAN UP or piss off!!! Thank you very much.

In Silence

I stay quiet, not because I lack words but because I’m strong

I have strength that makes me recognize that my voice, though of reason may not always bring peace desired at the time

So I've learnt to keep the words in my heart; to think them over and when necessary change them

Change them to be better, not just for me but for what is now and what can be tomorrow

So I stay quiet but not unaware, I see and I watch and I know what to do

And I know waiting is hard because it’s just easier to argue my case

But I've learnt that some rewards are worth waiting for

So I stay quiet yet not in anger or hinged on the anticipation of revenge

But in calmness and control, knowing what is mine will come to me

Not because I was lazy but because I was strong

Strong enough to understand

Strong enough to stay rooted and weather the storm, the storm of other people’s words when they didn't possess the strength to stay quiet

Words that cut and were created to damage, to break

And sometimes words that lead to hurtful actions

Sometimes knowing these actions were bolstered by my own silence

Because to the world it means weakness, ignorance or consent

But to me it’s strength, strength that would increase because I have experience

So I stay quiet……..till my silence is loud and my courage is perceived

……….But again maybe not, because the world isn't always pretty; people aren't often apologetic and tend to forget 

However, I choose to be quiet because if it offers nothing else it would bring me peace………..eventually

***image got from Google