what is the Right age?

Two mornings ago, I had a near panic attack because for some silly reason I suddenly felt like I was too old to do something I had desired for a long time and was finally taking steps to acquire. I started thinking about “all my mates” and how they had gone ahead to do certain things earlier. I felt regret and questioned why I had wasted my time in jobs or relationships that did nothing positive for me and also why I had remained afraid for so many years! It didn’t take me long to realise I was about to completely stumbled into a dark place I had been before and I knew once I got there, coming out would be hard.

At that moment, I heard it clearly in my mind “You are at the Right age!”

I laughed; it was both shocking and comforting! But I believed it without a doubt.

Recently I have been practicing fixing every warped mind set and being more in control of my thoughts; it is such an amazing thing to realize and I am beginning to feel like Dr Strange or Jean Grey or something……err okay but you get my drift!

A few days ago I spoke to a Life Coach who asked me to write down what I felt was my greatest belief that was holding me back from being all I can be. I did that and then he asked “who told you this? What happened that made you believe this? Then please prove it to me that this is true!” After a few minutes, it dawned on me that there was no concrete cause; I mean there were events and experiences and maybe even someone constantly said negative things to me but I genuinely had no proof that this destructive belief was absolutely true and at that moment, I was reminded that over the years I had believed different lies and convinced myself of what wasn’t true and unfortunately my reality often caught up with my mind.  

I wanted to share this revelation/lesson and while I started typing this post, I found something I had written a few months ago. They are questions I was randomly asking a character who felt dejected and desired death.  

Who told you their sin was your fault?

Who told you this experience is peculiar to only you?

Why do you believe your present situation or status will last forever and not get better?

What made you accept that dysfunction as a norm?

Who defined what is cool or acceptable?

Who said you had run out of time?

When did imperfection become a weakness?

Who told you, your solution lies in belittling yourself? Or your expectations will be accomplished quicker if they are smaller.

Who came up with the conclusion that no one can love you genuinely and unconditionally?

Who decided that this is all you are or ever will be?

When was it decided you are a failure? And by whom?

And how dare you believe their lies?

So while I would never encourage anyone to play the blame game, I want us to shut out the lies we are told daily and to KNOW, ACCEPT and APPLY the power we have to control our minds, protect our heart and take charge to create the life we truly desire. Sometimes we hold a meeting within our own mind and decide to forge ahead on a van of lies; no external influence, just a self-conviction that we are no good. But that needs to end; we need to stop standing in our own way. You are not too old or too young, or too uneducated or too ANYTHING!!! You are YOU and you will do what you need to when it is time to do it!  

I Fight for My Mind

One statement I make often in the place of prayer is “God, Thank You that I have not lost my mind!” because I know that is quite easy to do. Everything we go through is a form of contention for the peace that is so pertinent for progress to take place. The mind is a blessing and a curse; I have died a thousand deaths in my lifetime because I genuinely felt like that would be a solution to its tumult. In recent times, I have learnt not to desire this ‘death’ for I see now the calm I seek is not in death but in ‘control’. I also think that is the difference; the thin line between mental wellness and illness. This has made me more sensitive to those suffering mental illnesses (which note are not only those roaming the streets naked).

I think it is the minds natural disposition to be unsettled; it also does not help that there are forces that are by default designed to oppose the harmonious working of our mental faculties and space. Google says our mind includes “our consciousness, perception, thinking, judgement, and memory”. And it “holds the power of imagination, recognition, and appreciation, and is responsible for processing feelings and emotions, resulting in attitudes and actions.”

I have experienced countless times, my memory working against my better judgement therefore I lose a good thing because I convinced myself that a past hurtful event will repeat itself in my present or future. I have experienced someone else’s perverted perception of affection and now I have to live through almost a lifetime of self-loath, blame, shame and regret which has made my appreciation or acceptance of love queer. And do not even get me started on my imagination; often diverse, colourful and limitless but I have been told I am unrealistic and weird which initiates lasting negative emotion so there is so much ‘FULL’ in me but I cannot express so what am I to do with all that? And then the attainment of what we conceive success to be; where did that come from? And why does anxiety or fear take no permission before they sit there and ruin my life’s every action?

My life has not gone as planned and I do not know what to do so I pretend that I am fine. I mean how does one confess to being clueless about everything? Religion teaches us to be content but even God knows and promises that there is more so why the disparity? I was told I have to struggle but for what? The work and causes I have taken up in the past, left me more disappointed and faithless; discouraged to involve myself in another but I am tired of being stagnant. And it is hard to admit that I get jealous when I see other people work at something and seem to impart and succeed so where did I get it wrong?

I am afraid to be completely unashamedly honest; I am at the risk of being mocked or taken for granted or labelled. People often misunderstand my genuineness and intentions no matter the mode of dissemination or how I arrange my words. I see honesty is now the well painted picture a person replays often enough until it becomes their reality yet that is not me.

If I cry, they will call me weak. If I want to be alone, they will say I am a snob or socially awkward or I have changed and if I just decide to stay in my mind, I fear the demons I have to fight there so where really is there peace? Sometimes I wonder what the peace that comes with dying feels like but I am not courageous enough to take my own life. And I also believe murder is a sin that guarantees an eternity in hell.

I am yet to fully attain the ‘control’ I mentioned but I know I am on that journey; I get the feeling it will be long and my only recommendation for those who seek same is to get in there and FIGHT!; Fight because your life does depend on it; don’t let ‘them’ win. Fighting can include facing the demons, the memories and the thoughts; praying your heart out to God daily; speaking to a professional who can help; crying and venting then getting over it. But I know that the flip side of the mind which I called a blessing is its amazing ability to heal itself; to open itself up to the light that can dispel the darkness of the curse. Only the mind can heal the mind! Those who have mastered the control are those who are tuned in more to the Light than the darkness; who recognise when the darkness comes knocking and no matter the threats, can subdue it by simply staying in the light.

And so I pray that EVERY moment of your life, no matter what you are experiencing, you remember that you already have the power; you can and you will reach for and dwell in the Light, for that is where peace resides, not perfection but peace! And that is enough for now