I got my heart broken…again

The image above is a quote I created August 2016 and put up on my Instagram page the morning I quit my job; it seemed random because I woke up that morning NOT knowing I would quit even though I had seen it coming for weeks. I was existing daily with a broken heart and I just felt led to share that message even though I wasn’t following my own advice.

In a few days, I would celebrate 1 year anniversary of being self-employed. To be honest, I cringed a little when I typed that because a part of me remembered my mum’s voice telling me a while ago to try to get a job and I am almost faithless enough to also believe that’s what I need. Do not get it wrong, I am NOT against being an employee, in fact I have friends who are working for other people, presently wealthier and more fulfilled than me. But maybe that has not always been my ‘luck’.

I have been out of job before but this one feels different; maybe because I am more aware or I am tired of being ‘romanced’ by insincere business owners who make me believe my aspirations fit into their organizations but end up being abusive, or I am done with making bad choices and would rather just focus on growing what I can call my own and truly offer my best to people; at least the mistakes and victories will be all mine. Whatever it is though, I do know that a few months ago, I made up my mind to be more assertive, decisive and intentional; which for me included making decisions and sticking through until the end even if I found myself alone on that train. I have succeeded in a few (which sadly I haven’t appreciated enough). 

Of all the items on my list I made, I chased and prayed for 2 the most but it felt like they both eluded me with each passing day. I didn’t give up though; I kept telling myself that these were things I wanted with genuinely good intentions and which will make life better for even other people around me. I even told myself that I would follow these through to prove a point to myself that I was strong willed, hardworking and faithful. But as time passed, I knew in a way that I could not deny that they wouldn’t happen when I wanted and how I wanted them.

I was disappointed! That is putting it mildly; and just like my life a year before, I was heartbroken!

But God has a sense of humour (that’s how I choose to see it) because for the past few days, several Bible passages I have stumbled on and even random social media posts have somewhat been designed to comfort me or help me see clearly. Hearing an actor talk about “the best thing that never happened” for him which ended up being a blessing or a successful cosmetic line owner talking about how she couldn’t get an education she truly needed a few years ago because she couldn’t afford it. And then people I didn’t share anything with but who just had honest things to say to me and even someone I once considered an ‘enemy’ showing up with help.

What truly baffles me is how I am so exhausted and hurt, yet a part of me I can’t explain brought out a notebook and began to write out the next best plan and how to shift my focus to work with and build what I have left. My faith is shattered but hope stands determined to place the pieces together. Like my heart is aching but my mind is working out a plan to heal the pain! Feels like a big rock is sitting in my chest but my body can carry it as if it weighs a feather. Maybe another being is living the days while my body stays in bed.

So that is what I have chosen to celebrate, that I have grown enough to still be functional and progressive even in the midst of this. The Anu of before would have died in heart and mind (while waiting for body to follow) and completely missed out on seeing the chance to get up quickly and get on with it! I won’t have seen that I can push through whatever opposes me. I won’t have seen that those 2 things can still come for me, they just haven’t happened on my own terms and timing and that has to be okay.

I recognize now more than ever that disappointments do not mean the end or that you did something wrong, or that you didn’t do enough, sometimes it means you need to re-route or it’s not yet time.

“With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.” - Max Ehrmann, Desiderata