Are you really clueless?

We sometimes enjoy moments of clarity in our lives; a few things tickle our fancy and may get us excited for a while but in the midst of it, we stop and ask “why is all this happening?” or “who am I?” Sometimes, we are not able to stop and ask so we keep the train going believing it’s a random feeling and then we pile these ‘feelings’ up until there is this stone, strong and heavy in our heart and we are not sure how it got there or what to do about it.

A few weeks ago, I was asked in a public gathering, “What do you want?” It brought  mixed feelings because it’s a question I have been asking myself for years and even though I did not have the answers, I now have an idea as compared to a while ago when I was clueless or when every time I answered that question, the answers didn’t seem quite right or true, even to me.

I said 1) I want to be in control of my thoughts- to pay attention to, to be aware of and to be able to handle my own thoughts. 2) To be able to add value and feel like whatever it is I am giving out, in any content or form, will add value or make someone better even if momentarily and 3) to be genuinely happy- I know people will have an opinion about this point but this is a topic all by itself so until I have the ‘heart’ to talk about it.

I had never rehearsed these 3 points before that day; in fact when they left my heart through my mouth, I was slightly surprised but on my way home from that meeting, I thought about what had happened and I was glad for this woman who was vulnerable enough to tell a room of strangers what she wants. I realised that though saying these things may suggest that I didn’t have them presently but speaking them out loud gave me courage to actually go for what I do want. That I even had the ability to form my heart’s desires into words was a blessing and I wasn’t going to let the little negative committee in my head take away my victory.

There are still days I question my desires because I know that each point has several sub-points and daily steps that need to be taken consistently to reach a certain height; truth it, these things I mentioned have to be a part of who I am hence it’s a ‘never ending situation’ and this scares me; because there will be bad days, ooh very bad, bad days and I will question everything and doubt any ability that I possess but I also know now not to amplify those bad moments. I have no reference point, director or teacher, sadly experience is what has taught me a lot of what I know and I still have scars from those times but I have no regrets. I believe in God and I know He leads me when I ask Him to but because patience is not my strength and for years I lived my life based on fear and external validation, it’s a long and slow road to recovery and trust.

So I ask, “WHY AM I HERE?”

God didn’t create me just to fill space; there are enough rocks and mountains for that and even they have their purpose. So while I may not have a clearly defined list of ‘My Purpose’ I know one thing; I will not cause pain for another. I will take all I have per time, all I have been through and all the talents I have been blessed with and make life easier, for whatever period of time, for the next person. It is not an easy task and I have failed so often especially when I let darkness overwhelm me or I am uncertain of my channel. But anyone who also struggles with having a clearly defined ‘purpose statement’ can testify to this; all we truly want is just to stop being so confused all the time! I am so tired of reading books or going for meetings and seminars and they talk about purpose like it’s something that was written on our chests and sent down with us from heaven. Like we really just want to stop feeling guilty for not being a 100% sure of the exact thing we ought to be doing for the world!!!

But now I think, how about those in our little circle of influence; can we be allowed to just cater to those easily within our reach and then we can grow from there? Even if we have to do one million things for them and then over time, we learn to narrow down our options until we are sure. I know it’s good to be focused, to be intentional, to be absolutely sure but to the person who is not there yet “you are NOT crazy for being able to do so many things and not sure which one to call your purpose!” And though youth is an asset and a viable weapon to fight in this thing called life, inevitably, age and time will even help us with our choices; to strategize in ways that’s almost second nature to us so we habitually know what to do per time.

I may rethink these words; but I am open to learning and unlearning and this is all part of my process. In one of the Kemi Adetiba’s Kingwomen interviews I watched, the lady said “You’re like a book on table of contents so why are you acting like you’re in conclusion?” I choose to interpret that as there is time for me to be refined and redirected on to ‘my path’ (and that is if I am not already on it!) so while my pages are flipped daily, I choose to live what I want and that’s to “please my Maker, mend myself daily and add value to others!”