The Day

I smiled when you spoke to me

I felt the worried look you gave me

A smile definitely wasn’t what you expected to get from me

But I have no other reaction; nothing else to express except this smile

For that which I feared the most had happened

Finally, I had lost you…..

Maybe if you died I won’t feel this much pain

But you were right here, yet I was convinced you’ll never be with me again

I don’t remember when you walked away but I know you left

All that is going through my mind are the times I spent……..

Waiting at the window, willing to hear the hoot of your car horn

Sitting up and hoping you come home to me

Wishing I don’t smell evidence of where you’ve been when you give me an awkward hug

Dying for you to just look into my eyes and smile happily, genuinely

Longing for you to touch my face and tell me how much you missed me

As you hold my hand and lead me to our couch telling me how your day was.

I prayed fervently for you, held your hand when I sensed something was wrong because you stopped telling me things

I longed for Sundays because that was the only day you stayed with me for more than a few hours thanks to church and weekly lunch at your brother’s house

I got dressed for you and made sure I was never bigger than a size 12, just a dress size bigger than the size 10 I was when we got married

I cooked your best meals yet you stopped eating

Every night you returned and simply walked into the room claiming to be tired

You used to hold me when you sleep, even if it’s just my hand

Like you needed an assurance I won’t disappear during the night but you began to sleep with your back to me

Sometimes I sensed that you were awake and I called out your name softly in the dark but you stayed quiet

You no longer took calls beside me, claiming it’s from the office

Since when did official calls become so important on weekends?

I got tired of lying to your colleagues’ wives when they accused me of not coming to a gathering organized by the office

When the truth is you never even informed me

Sometimes I felt you staring at me when you think I’m not looking

Your look is of sadness or guilt or anger

And I long for you to just tell me what it is, something, anything!

I used to be able to say anything to you but I was afraid to ask you this one thing

For the first time in 13 years I have known you, I was afraid of the answer you’d give me if I asked you what was going on

And now you gave me an answer, the answer to a question I didn’t even ask

On the day I have the best news ever,

The day I confirm that I’m pregnant with our first child after 10 years of marriage and 9 years of trying

The day you tell me that another woman just had your baby………….

The Enemy of Freedom

I’ve always wondered what it means to be truly free

I hear people talk about freedom or I read it in a book and I think “what exactly is freedom?”

When I came across the picture above on pinterest.com, I instantly thought “true but almost impossible”

Are we ever truly free from anything, even that which supposedly makes us genuinely happy?

I’ve often tried to paint a picture of what absolute freedom is to me and I always come up with different images; to live sin free, to be able to excel easily at my career, to be extremely wealthy, to fund a charity that feeds and clothes over a thousand people daily, to be able to go to any place I want at any time not worrying about the cost of travel and the list goes on.

But is that really freedom or just a desire for fulfillment? Do they complement each other or are totally different?

From the first part of the image above, I gathered that “the enemy of freedom is responsibility” because can you really do whatever you like?

This may be funny but think about it, “what if the things that make me feel free will inevitably affect the lives of others I should cater to?”

For instance, if I’m married but because I’m a Makeup artist who specializes in costume/theatre Makeup and I love adventure and travel, I just get up, pack up my bags and decide to join a circus in America or Moulin Rouge in France and leave my family behind because that is what makes me happy or free? Really?

My point is I’m not sure there is absolute freedom; we remain slaves to our beliefs, society, responsibilities and expectations others have of us. Can we ever be truly rid of any external influences or control?

In spite of these thoughts, I'm not cynical or hopeless- I don’t believe anyone should sit down and dwell in frustration, darkness and anger; I believe that you can make a change if you’re not happy with where you are; I believe that even as we try to carry out our responsibilities we should aim for progress and peace of mind and I believe beyond a doubt that every human was created with ‘a void’ that can be filled only by fulfilling your purpose or living your dream. *(however a lot of people have got the purpose thing twisted but it’s not my calling to correct that in this post).

On being Yellow, having an Afro and going braless

In the past three to four weeks I’ve been thinking of three things; being light skinned, turning my hair natural and being a feminist. I intended to write on these issues and suddenly I started seeing articles on these same things everywhere- if it’s not on a blog, then it’s an interview, rants on twitter or randomly discussed amongst friends.

Recently I saw a tweet which said “dark girls will be extinct by 2020” and it was really funny. But it’s almost true and I won’t say this is anyone’s fault, it’s just the way the world wants it. In an interview recently, author Chimamanda Adichie said “There’s no dark-skinned woman who is a babe. There just isn’t. The dark-skinned woman, she is the Serious One. She is the Friend. She is the Sassy Girl. She is never the person we root for.” She was referring to marginalization of dark skinned women in Hollywood (you see even television doesn’t help) Look at the so called successful Black girls like Beyonce, Halle Berry, Rihanna or Keri Hilson these women are YELLOW! Standing next to me they are NOT of the black race, period!!

Let’s bring it home…..Omotola, Rita Dominic, Tonto Dikeh and even the ladies I run into at the mall or on the streets are NOT dark skinned. A close friend of mine was at a wedding recently and she said the guy on her table didn’t make conversation with her because she isn’t yellow (and believe me this woman doesn’t have insecurity issues, she was simply stating what she noticed and experienced).

I have no solution to this complexion problem; neither am I against being light skinned, I’m simply stating our ‘recent troubles’.

And rocking kinky hair has now become the order of the day, there are even conferences for natural hair lovers where they discuss products and maintenance and the rest. While I have major respect for ladies who rock this look perfectly, I don’t possess the power to be that committed to my hair so weaves, braids and getting a perm will remain my friends.

There’s a ‘trending’ image nowadays, an image of a ‘freedom fighting bohemian styled kinky haired chic that knows her rights and questions every pattern society has created which naturally favors men over women’. WHY? Why do we have to succumb and become the stereotype we claim to be fighting? I went to an event on gender recently and how women need more attention in business and all but after we’ve been saved and delivered from the evil clutches of culture and the men folk what happens? What do we do with it or what have we done so far?

Maybe I’m a feminist (at least that’s what people call me when I begin to argue some issues) but I don’t go overboard by conforming to a certain unchanging mentality or try to have a certain look so people can be intimidated by me. What does it even really mean to be feminist?

People have associated feminism with ‘No sense of humor, equal rights fighter, career junkie, unmarried, hostile, bitter, man hater, unattractive’ and the dirty list goes on but this is not who I am and I can say the same for other females I know who recognize and exercise their rights.

It shouldn’t be about a look, a stereotype; or why can’t the husband cook his own food; people shouldn’t label you ‘a fighter or angry kid’ just from the few sentences that come out of your mouth. It’s acceptable to know who you are and your rights but it’s NOT a competition between genders.

But I just need to add this…….as much as sisters have love for each other, guys you too stop toasting only the light skinned-I-need-you-in-my-life-to-survive-babes, you’re making life difficult for some chocolate-skinned-independent-babes) Thank you!

LOL

Passion and Practice

I’ve always loved photography but became ‘a bit unsure’ when everyone started trying to become a photographer. I don’t know if I’ll go commercial but I finally got the courage to get my camera earlier this year since I actually need it for personal use. I have taken a million pictures, some of them bad but I don’t care because I’m willing to learn and with time begin to take great pictures.

Below are a few of the pictures out of my ‘practice folder’

 

I took this at the Lindsey Concert (in a park) in Abuja

 

A street in Yaba Lagos taken at an awkward position from a window

 

I almost totally agree with this saying! This was taken at an Art and Photography exhibition in Abuja

 

Somehow this building looks like it was just ‘placed’against the sky. This was taken near Yabatech Lagos

 

I did the Makeup *smiling*

 

I absolutely love this Lady’s hair cut although I doubt I’ll ever have the courage to rock my hair like that. And the part she left long is all natural and beautiful!

 

My friend Kellie, she had no idea I was about to take this picture and I think she was giving the person on the phone an attitude

 

For those who know me well, I love rings (looking at them and wearing them) and I couldn’t resist taking this picture. This was at a Fashion sales event in Abuja.

 

I Love this eyeliner by Tara Orekelewa and I took this picture to advertise Makeup products I sell.

 

I like this dress with Ankara detail by ‘Sorted Affairs’. This is the designer Agnes modeling her work.

 

My friend Achenyo at an Igbo cultural themed service at church.

 

A pair of damask shorts from my friend LIWHAN’s collection (she’s a fantastic talented designer, not because she is my friend but I have items from her collection and I love them). I took this picture at her viewing and sales event in Abuja.

 

Practicing Makeup looks and photography at a Studio in Abuja.

 

Cake of life! I just had to take this picture of a red velvet cake covered by MnMs made by The Woodhouse Café and Bakery in Abuja. They make smoothies too with 100% Fresh fruits and I felt healthier just drinking it ; )

 

I have a thing for Black and White pictures; to me they automatically look classy. Don’t think I did a perfect job with this one but well…….An Art work made of Ilarun (traditional Yoruba comb used while weaving hair) and raffia.

 

My Joy! My Darling! *kisses* He was in a great mood so it didn’t take much to get him to smile like this for me. He has more teeth now though.

 

I know this picture isn’t clear but they all look really nice and happy! Picture taken at a friend’s house in Lagos.

 

Running into an Ex

I walked past that window and I saw you

My heart stopped for a brief second.

What do I do?

You had seen me before I even spotted you and you fixed your gaze on me

So sure that I’d see you eventually

Standing self-assured, I can almost feel you smirk

You enjoyed my discomfort, the awkwardness I felt, how I struggled between the decision to walk away or come say hi

I shake my head physically, trying to rid my mind of the mental images of times spent with you

Nights we spent laughing; alone or with company

Day time we shared over a plate of lunch or simply because we had time for each other

I can’t forget how interesting those times were regardless of how high maintenance you were

You always had a reason to spend money; birthdays, public holidays and just because we are alive.

I had control of your tantrums some days,

When the truth is you only allowed me believe I had control

You being by my side somehow made me bold; beyond that it made me proud

Like I belonged to the ‘pack’; you made me look cool……

…….someone touches you and I quickly look away, breaking away from your gaze

As I walk away I think of life before you

How I had heard things…..sometimes what you’ll consider normal stories other times negative reports

Reports of what you had done to some people.

And so we met, not because I wanted a challenge

It just happened….like it was the right time.

Years down the line and I knew there was something off

It wasn’t a mutually beneficial relationship and I was the one not gaining

So I made a choice and I have stood by it

Regardless of how hard it may seem because you gave some form of comfort

With all your issues I admired you for one thing; you were fiercely loyal

Always available when I needed you.

I still think of you but I’m enjoying life without you

Goodbye Mr. Daniels……..

The Withdrawn Extrovert

 

I recently wrote a piece about friendship and how we lose some, gain some and life goes on……lately I’ve been accused of being anti-social and stubborn (especially when I turn down invitations to outings) so it seems I don’t know anyone anymore, I sometimes agree because looking at myself some years ago and in present time maybe I’ve become the ‘driest’.

I’m fun to hang out with when you eventually catch me but I hardly go out except of course it involves food (yes I’m a certified unashamed foodie) or some event about fashion or business.

Some weeks ago I had a nightmare -I told a few of my friends (by few I mean less than 10 people) to come visit me. Only for the day to arrive and about 500 people appeared, I'm NOT exaggerating, seriously it looked like a rave at a warehouse- all sorts of people including those I didn’t even speak to in school came. They were really nice, hugging and smiling and telling me how beautiful I looked (I'm not even sure I’d had a bathe at this point in the dream). I had a panic attack, and quickly ran to my friends Ak and Seyi who I told to help me buy refreshments for the millions of people at my house……

As my God promised that He will never give me what I can’t handle….I WOKE UP! Yes, just like in the movie Inception as I was about to die from a panic attack in the dream I woke up! When I narrated the dream to my sister Yinka she laughed at me and said I’m “weird and anti-social” for calling such a dream a nightmare and that what was wrong with having a party.

We laughed about it and moved on but the worrier in me couldn’t let it slide, I wondered why I was so troubled that there were so many people who came to ‘rejoice’ with me. Had I become so cynical or stopped liking humans so much or what?

People have also told me that how would I meet someone to marry me if I don’t go out as the guys won’t come to my house *smh*, there’s some truth to it but isn’t it funny how people just somehow connect everything in life to getting a husband? (Topic for another day)

I keep telling my accusers that I’m making efforts at changing my ‘dry ways’. During Easter Holiday I caught up with some of my old friends and I found out one thing- I’m NOT the only person who has changed and we all still got along perfectly. I don’t have a ‘social disease’ it’s just that priorities have shifted positions and ‘caution is the new spontaneity’. I guess I’m just different from the girl I mentioned I was years ago.

So while I maintain my fun loving, gregarious and friendly disposition I’ll also remember to enjoy growing up!

 

No More Birthday Blues

For a few years of my life (I think between the ages of 17-23) I was often sad just before my birthday….may be not sad but at the same time not exactly excited. I stayed awake the whole night and unconsciously didn’t forgive those who forgot to call or text the whole day.

I also had a habit of counting my losses, reminding myself that I was a year older yet what had I achieved? And I suspect that because I actually expected these negative things to happen they eventually did (like having a boyfriend who forgot my birthday).

Well some years ago I woke up on my birthday and I didn’t give a flip who called me or not…..I simply enjoyed my day and was grateful that I had seen another year. I remember what I did, what I wore and even my hair style; I also remember having a wish list and one of the items on my list was a wristwatch and I ended up getting 2 : )

I don’t know what led to this liberating act; I figure that I had simply matured!

So it’s my birthday again and I had planned that by this age I’d be a top shot communications executive and I’d be married with at least a kid or pregnant and would have travelled to at least 5 continents and had my face on the cover of a magazine or on a building on Times Square, would have walked a runway for Diane Von Furstenberg modeling one of her great wrap dresses or on Forbes list of top so and so to look out for……blah blah blah!  LOL, I dream big right?

Well I guess Someone had other plans! Or I was the one not paying attention, not sure.

 I have another wish list by the way, and since the last time I publicly declared my list I got some of it, I’ve enough faith now to believe I’ll get all of this one;

·       I have been in love with photography all my life but finally got the courage to do something about it and take my training seriously; I got a camera! *Wide smile* However, I want to be ‘in front of the lens’ so I want to model a product (Nail Polish because I have nice hands; Hair Product or Human Hair because I have fantastic hair; Makeup products because I have great facial features that don’t need to be altered just highlighted) I’m allowed some form of self promotion please! Or simply model clothes at a MAJOR Fashion show. Kindly NOTE I will keep ALL items used at any of these jobs.

·       A Professional Makeup Box with wheels that opens up into about a million compartments OR simply a ZUCA Pro Artist Bag

·       Be a part of the Makeup Artist Team for any International Fashion Week (We can start in Lagos, South Africa, London then move on to other places)

·       To be 1 or 2 dress sizes smaller (so you can get any healthy device that would make this happen FAST)

·       Mary J Blige inspired Wardrobe *grin*

·       A holiday (I will let you decide destination, however a certain region in the Middle East knows my name so I can make a quick stop just to say hi)

Remember it is a WISH LIST but you can make a young lady happy! Happy Birthday to me *dancing*

Please forgive my image I’m a ridiculous Joker fan