I will know what to do

I like to scribble, especially when I feel overwhelmed and this eventually leads me to writing and pouring out what’s on my mind on paper. Most times it may not be coherent to anyone who reads it because I just let it out and ‘edit’ later but it makes me feel like my concerns are easier to handle.

I think I have consistently done this more in the past few months than any other time in my life; a few weeks ago, I decided to re-evaluate what I really wanted, to make me feel more confident about myself and my goals. I needed clarity yet I was more confused than before so I decided to think of things I didn’t want to permit or express in my life anymore.

-         I will no longer feel sorry for myself; I am my worst critic and I often forget how far I have come.

-         I will not dwell in that place of questioning my ability to make my life better.

-         I will not accept defeat; I used to give up too easily and that has got me nothing I like.

-         I will not allow myself mourn an irreversible loss beyond the necessary period of time.

-         I will not be shy to talk to someone that I admire or desire to learn from.

-         I will stop being jealous (though this was hard to admit) rather I would emulate their steps to success or work out mine.

-         I will stop procrastinating; I learnt this happens from a place of fear of failure and not laziness.

-         I will stop giving certain people my time; A LOT of people do not deserve it and this is not being proud, this is me being aware of my worth and how precious time is.

-         I will no longer stay in hiding; all I require will not come and meet me in my room.

-         I will not keep quiet; this is tricky but I realised in recent time that The Spirit has been helping me talk at the right time and say the right things. People do take your silence for consent or weakness; the idea is to have a balance.

-         I will say NO and will not feel guilty.

-         I will not allow people make me feel bad about things that make me who I am; did you ever have that friend in secondary school or a partner who just has a negative opinion about everything you do? So they judge your hairstyle; your clothes; your eating pattern; the way you walk; the way you breathe??? Making you feel like nothing is right about you? No matter how confident you are, when someone has negative things to say to you all the time it would eventually get to you but learn to FREE THAT TYPE! Let them know their opinion doesn’t matter, and these people are usually the ones who actually need to be fixed.

It seemed I had begun practising some things on the list even before I realized what I was doing, so I decided to be more intentional and hopeful that this will lead me to know the things I do want and go for them with courage.  I know with time, this list may change but that’s okay, which will mean I have learnt my lessons and grown to another level that demands more from me.