How will I work out my dietary salvation?

I like food; I like to admire food and relish the amazingness of flavours and colours and tastes. I love beans and plantain, burgers, fries or some sea food soaked in a Mediterranean sauce but I also swing to the other side and would gladly consume supposedly boring healthy options like carrots, cucumbers, cauliflower rice and calorie-free granola muffins.

I like food .......but I AM TIRED!!!

I’m so exhausted I could cry!

I’m beginning to feel like I’m going to some food hell and quite frankly I sometimes think it won’t be such a bad idea. Haba! it is really unfair because I do not even eat (maybe when I am in a party sha and it’s been a while I indulged and my mama didn’t raise me to waste food); most of the time I am afraid to eat or I am too mentally lazy to even decide what to eat but as there is no justice in the world, all I need to do is just dream or look at food and I get fat! Fear won’t let me be great because the way my waist and arms are set up, all the food goes there rather than go into my stomach to be completely digested or below my back *wink*

If it was that I led a completely unhealthy lifestyle now I could take the blame but this has been a lifelong battle. So I can start my day with 2 slices of wheat bread and coffee or fibre cereal sweetened with cinnamon; snack on almonds or an apple; drink 3 litres of lemon flavoured water; have cous cous and fish/chicken for lunch (which often becomes an early dinner) and then BOOM! Someone would just come with puff puff or chocolate biscuits or chips or caramel popcorn or suya!!!!!! Which manner of demon is this?? And nobody should mention lack of self-control to me, thank you!

I looked through old pictures recently and I just started thinking of my life and if this will be an eternal cross to bear; because even if I do the work and lose weight, how would I keep it off? Yes, yes I know “gradual process”, “make it a lifestyle”, “blah blah keep story for tortoise” I KNOW! But developing that lifestyle seems like something in a distant future and I am faithless enough to believe I will fall back into being unfit and unhealthy as I have done several times in the past so is there really redemption?

Today I have no kind words of encouragement; this is me on a rant. I know someone might want to preach to me about loving yourself, Oh darling I do, however today ‘they’ are really trying me and for the moment I have given in.

So you can give me kind advice or laugh gently (at) with me in the comment section, it may make me feel better!