#Teamgrateful

Recently I’ve been fighting battles that I don’t think I deserve or fought before and “ain’t nobody gat time for that!”; some are supposedly trivial while others are testing my sanity. In the midst of it, a friend of mine asked that I join her and some other ladies in an exercise called ‘#team grateful’; where we make a list of things we’re grateful for everyday for roughly 2 weeks.

To be honest the first few days weren’t easy, I didn’t even remember to make the list and I just sat down, maintaining my position as CEO complaints commission. But one day, I can’t even remember what I was doing but what came to mind was “God thank you for male attention!” It was a funny thing to think about but it dawned on me then that I hadn’t really participated in the Gratitude exercise I signed up for. You may think being grateful for male attention is vain but to me it isn’t; I was really grateful that I still had a sense of humour.

So I decided to make a list of things that I’m grateful for; whether random, funny, serious, in no particular order and experienced often or not, they have made me smile or brought comfort.

…………Cold water on a terribly hot day (suddenly the water will be sweet); eating hot Ewa agoyin (Beans) and plantain/sweet potato/agege bread; watching a sincerely awesome movie (my toes don’t touch the floor from the excitement& suspense); finding money in a corner in my wallet or pocket (I cried once when this happened to me, Lol. Couldn’t believe God’s goodness) or when a debtor pays when I’m broke.

When people pay me compliments about my skin, lipstick, eye brows or weight loss (I do cartwheels in my mind); when I accomplish everything on my daily or weekly to-do list; having the courage to look out the window of an airplane (I’m currently winning the war against the fear of flying); starting and FINISHING a project.

Friends who annoy me; being an aunty; that I can open my heart to remain hopeful and move on; being able to laugh even when something painful happens (my phone was stolen recently and my former self would have had a fit, heart attack and become a grouchy monster but this time from the moment it happened I started singing to myself to let it go).

To have the ‘luxury’ of worrying about my weight; I’m sure at least one person in the world genuinely loves me; that I’m healthy and most importantly that it is my birthday and I KNOW I’m going to have an AMAZING DAY! My last birthday I put up a post about getting rid of Birthdayblues and believe me, I’ve grown even more within the past year and I most definitely won’t be dull in anyway today! And for this positive spirit as I’m blessed with a new year, I’m MOST grateful!

 

***As seen in the image, it would be nice to write that list often.

Again

 

 

 

I felt the euphoria deplete as I let out my breathe,

I abruptly fell from my high,

I kept my eyes tightly shut

I must have hoped the intensity with which I closed them would keep away the shame that vehemently washed over me

“It had happened again!”

I had failed once more,

I had disappointed myself and released a rippling hurt that would be felt by people I may never even meet…………

 

This is not a story I can tell because I don’t have a beginning

Yet I don’t know how to want an end.

I don’t have the words to explain something so blatantly unacceptable.

It’s what I see when I look into the mirror so I expertly mask with makeup, convincing bright smile, chic appearance, intelligence, witty conversation and an enviable lifestyle

 

I think I love you because I can’t describe how nothing works without you,

An evil I’ve become accustomed to; possessing more power than I do, conveniently breaking any dignity or courage I may build

My kryptonite yet the thrill I live for

I hear you speak and I know they are lies but you’ve become my solution even when there is no problem

 

I try to associate you with pain so I do penance however I self-destruct

I want to play a part in my deliverance but I fear my commitment is fickle

I make excuses; “something from my childhood”, “impaired perception”, “loneliness”, “over-independence”, “low self-esteem”, “bad experiences”, “pride”, “anger”…..

The list is extensive but doesn’t navigate the way to my freedom

 

The number of times I’ve fallen and got up is making me tired

The roller coaster ride of hope, self-loathing, strength and extreme humiliation makes me want to get familiar with the floor

I want to scream, cry, crawl, tear out my eyes, scratch my skin off my body or kill every form of emotion

Maybe death is a good option

But I’m not strong enough; I’m too weak to accept that way out

The darkness is my confidant, numbness my ally

But I know floating with no willpower will drown me eventually so I desperately cry out for help……….

 

………“Hi, my name is Perfect and I’m an addict!”

With empty hands

I remember on the 6th of January I said “January will soon end!”, I was told to calm down however it feels like it’s been just a ‘few hours’ since I made that statement and the 1st month in this new year has already ended.

January is generally perceived as the hardest month to conquer in the year mainly due to stiff cash flow and slowness in shifting gears from the end of one year to starting another. I asked myself “what did you achieve this January?” And I know that’s a question a lot of people would ask themselves too; some would smile and others would not.

I’ve discovered that most people are motivated by what they get in exchange for what they give; wages for time spent at work; money for product/service offered; roaring laughter in response to a joke shared; affection in return for love expressed and so on.

You might feel like you’ve already put in a lot this year or at least set in place a fantastic road map to ensure you have a tremendously profiting year therefore it is one of the hardest things to stand with your hands empty; to be afraid that your super plans might just end up being plans! Or that you didn’t get anything out of what you put in? And truthfully it isn’t all the time that someone’s encouraging words make sense; you’d rather they kept quiet and leave you alone to enjoy your moments of anger and self-criticism.

But when the ‘mourning’ phase is over kindly get up and actually do something, moving in the right direction to accomplish your goals; I learnt that the longer you stay nursing any negative condition, the longer it takes to cure it.

I’m actually encouraging myself with this post and hope that whoever reads this and who wasn’t too impressed with what January left in their hands would also be encouraged; really if you gave up so early what would you do the rest of the year?!

Get up, have faith and reach out to grab what you want in your hands.

When the Cup is full

I’ve learnt that no one can really tell you when it’s enough….

Regardless of how many family members, friends or foe try to change your heart about a situation, even one that’s life threatening, you’ve to make that decision all by yourself.

I’ve had people tell me to change different things about myself; how I talk, how I walk, who I choose as friends for a particular season, the way I wear my makeup or clothes, how I advertise my business etc but looking back I realized that every change I made, whether good or bad was because I got to the point where it was enough! I’d simply HAD IT!

Usually I had to suffer though, either someone hurt me or I lost a valuable thing before I got to the point of walking away. It would also be honest of me to note that there were times during my long walk away, that I almost looked back; this may not often be weakness it’s just that, good or bad, change is hard and totally severing ties that once bound you to something or someone is not the easiest of things to do.

Other times it may not be the walking away, it may just be the fact that you want to feel like you won. Especially if it’s a relationship (of any kind), you’d very much like to feel the satisfaction that the person (s) you’re walking away from is sad or regrets. However, if you would be honest, you know that is hardly the case, in fact when you run into the person, he/she may even look like their life is better and that hurts. Or you would stare at the phone and beg some telecommunication god that your new former friend should call only to experience the joy of having to ignore the call.

With time you’d see that the whole drama or desire to win is totally not worth the trouble; Let it go! You consciously got to the point of realizing you needed a change so just get up and go! It also requires conscious, consistent and sometimes physical efforts; being accountable to someone who would keep you on track, having a target/to- do list, not picking calls or replying mails, setting time-framed goals, whatever it takes just do it because you know you deserve the great rewards that accompany dedication to that change.

Beyond anything else, forgive yourself; which can be very hard but is the most liberating step of the whole process. Don’t dwell on the lost time or how you would have handled issues differently (sometimes you re-live scenarios in front of a mirror or imagine how intelligent and nonchalant you plan to sound if you ever run into the person, Lool); try not to worry about the gains you missed if you had set out on a different path, like how wealthy you may have been at this age if you didn’t spend so many years being afraid…..it’s never too late to make better choices. Believe me, if you can get over hurting and condemning yourself that is when you have truly won!

Fat is now a Vice

Koko

 

Some of my friends and people who read my blog often, know that I ‘somehow’ struggle with my weight and I’ve made references to that in some posts like HERE

And while I know people who want to slap me when I complain about my weight, I also know others who feel they need to have an opinion about my body. Not sure I’ll forget the day an aunt who saw me when I had started losing weight said “you’ve lost weight oh! Ehen now you’re fine!” Errr……meaning?

Someone who has been a major inspiration on this weight loss journey is Koko (@cokeoberry), a young lady whose story may not be new but is real; representing a lot of people who have issues with their size. I sometimes imagine Koko one day ‘suddenly jumped up from a chair, started running a race and by the finish line was a slim version of herself’ however, we know that’s just life in my head, achieving anything is never that easy…….

I used to weigh over a 100kg in 2011; beyond being plus sized I had so much negative energy and I knew I needed a change, I didn’t even know what I wanted the change to be I just knew I needed a change. I was overweight for my age and I decided to start the change by losing some weight even though I had no idea how to do it.

So one day I got up, wore my shoes and at 5.30am was walking on the streets of Gwarimpa and since that day I haven’t looked back. A week after that, my brother saw I was determined and started taking walks with me; I eventually started running and doing exercises. I was a UK dress size 22 when I began working out and within 4 months of consistent exercising I dropped to a size 14; honestly, I don’t know how I was doing it and no one was even encouraging me that I was losing weight but I kept going.

After this period I took a 2 months break and I became afraid that was the end of being fit but I realized I loved how I was feeling so I decided to register in a gym and I had a fitness trainer. Within 8 months I was down to a size 8; which still didn’t hit me until someone told me I was slim, in my head I was still a fat girl and it took me a very long time to see myself as a slim person.

I realized being overweight affected my self-esteem; I was the fattest in my clique of friends. They called me names and even though I knew they were joking it sometimes hurt; I used to wish I had a different body. I was afraid to sit down whenever I went out because I thought the chair would break; when I walk on the road people would shout names at me or drivers would say “Madam you go buy 2 space oh!” anytime I entered a bus. It also affected my relationship with guys because the kind of guys I liked were not noticing me; apparently they didn’t like fat girls.

Presently I weigh 63kg, the heaviest I’ve weighed since 2012 is 65kg and I intend to keep it that way or less. Everyday I’m afraid I’ll be fat again and this keeps me working out and watching what I eat; I intend to be a size 8 forever *laughs*. I know it won’t be easy but I’m ready and willing to put in the effort.

A lot of people who knew me when I was over weight, see me now and don’t believe when I tell them I lost weight by diet and exercise; they think I used drugs or something drastic. However, there are some people who ask for help and I’m willing to help them lose weight from the research I’ve done on fitness.

I haven’t got to my goal yet; I’m still working on my body and on being fit. I still have a lot of work to do and I’ve found a passion in fitness so I intend to get the necessary education that would enable me become a fitness expert in order to help people lose weight and have my own fitness facility.

Beyond dropping a few dress sizes, my weight loss has made me look younger and healthier, I feel more beautiful, confident and sexy!

Koko before and after her weight loss

I decided to share Koko’s story because there seems to be a war against plus size people; even when you’re not really over weight yet not a certain ‘acceptable and tiny’ size people just believe they have the audacity to bully you, call you names, discriminate or generally try to destroy your life.

Koko reminds me that you can be fit because it is a personal choice rather than one society is trying seriously hard to influence. It may feel like one too many weight loss tales but it gives me hope; I’m not trying to be skinny or die from the pressure of trying so hard to be the perfect size; I really want to be healthy and happy with what I see when I look into the mirror. And there is no better time to work towards a change than NOW!

As I wish Koko all the best as she maintains her healthy lifestyle; I also wish you strength and grace to remain consistent in fulfilling not just your fitness but your life’s goals generally.

Happy New Year!!!

Smile……It’s Christmas!

My life is amazing and I say this mainly because I’m alive today; I strongly believe that once there is life, there is hope. Not because it is a saying people have come to accept especially when things are not working out but because it has applied to my life and I have risen above whatever hardship I may have gone through simply because my creator said it wasn’t time. And because I’ve been blessed with time, I have been given an opportunity to right the wrongs and hold on to faith.

It’s hard to believe a year has gone by so far but I’m extremely grateful; grateful for my faith; my family; my friends; hurts; laughter; rewards; disappointments and of course lessons learnt either in easy or painful ways.

I stand today with a reaffirmed belief that I can go through whatever I have to and still come out as gold. Out of necessity, habit or hope we humans take decisions often without giving much thought to them; we buy this, eat that, get on a plane, quit that job, move to a new town or permit ourselves to fall in love with no assurance that we would get it in return.

Yet I realized that whether our decisions (serious or trivial) end up with good or bad results, every human has the capacity to carry or handle what happens as long as we don’t give up. I hold on to the truth that God would never allow us pass through what we can’t handle (except you consciously choose to solicit friendship with the devil even after adequate warning, then I’m sorry I can’t guarantee a healthy ending).

So as we celebrate the birth of Christ Jesus, the Son of the Living God, I encourage that we ‘STAND’ firmly in the truth that we can and will overcome whatever; whether plans don’t come to fruition or you even exceeded your to do list for the year, just be grateful. Consciously decide to be in a happy place and remember it’s just 7 days (6 in Australia) before we all start yelling “Happy New Year!!!!” so why wallow in pity? Get it together and get ready to pick up from where you left off!

Merry Christmas People!!!! May we all experience genuine Joy and Peace this season and beyond!

 

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The image is that of a funny Christmas card I saw this season! Lol

Passion and Practice Pt II: Nothing like a Lagos party

It’s no longer news that one of my major interests is Photography and ever since I got my beautiful Nikon D3100 I’ve pushed myself to practice more and learn to take better pictures. Check out my Passion and Practice pt I

As a Lagosian by birth, I say this with all pride “there is no party like a Lagos party” or “there is no party like a party thrown by Lagosians anywhere in the world” because I know they can transfer the spirit anywhere, Lol.

So this post is dedicated to my friend, the latest bride Vicky and some of the people who made the last Lagos party I attended TOTALLY ROCK!

 

Makeup by yours truly : ) Face of Chayil

 

 

This is obviously not a good picture but who cares? I mean, how would you know WE know DJ Exclusive? Lool

 

The bride no gree oh! Etighi of laive!

 

 

 

Random…

 

This was taken during my 'practice time' with my teacher, Mr. Cole

 

These flowers were so beautiful! However, they died  : (

 

I think the view is amazing and couldn't resist taking a picture

 

I got a few punches to the head trying to get this close to the lawmakers at a protest at the National Assembly, Abuja.

 

 

 

 

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