Again

 

 

 

I felt the euphoria deplete as I let out my breathe,

I abruptly fell from my high,

I kept my eyes tightly shut

I must have hoped the intensity with which I closed them would keep away the shame that vehemently washed over me

“It had happened again!”

I had failed once more,

I had disappointed myself and released a rippling hurt that would be felt by people I may never even meet…………

 

This is not a story I can tell because I don’t have a beginning

Yet I don’t know how to want an end.

I don’t have the words to explain something so blatantly unacceptable.

It’s what I see when I look into the mirror so I expertly mask with makeup, convincing bright smile, chic appearance, intelligence, witty conversation and an enviable lifestyle

 

I think I love you because I can’t describe how nothing works without you,

An evil I’ve become accustomed to; possessing more power than I do, conveniently breaking any dignity or courage I may build

My kryptonite yet the thrill I live for

I hear you speak and I know they are lies but you’ve become my solution even when there is no problem

 

I try to associate you with pain so I do penance however I self-destruct

I want to play a part in my deliverance but I fear my commitment is fickle

I make excuses; “something from my childhood”, “impaired perception”, “loneliness”, “over-independence”, “low self-esteem”, “bad experiences”, “pride”, “anger”…..

The list is extensive but doesn’t navigate the way to my freedom

 

The number of times I’ve fallen and got up is making me tired

The roller coaster ride of hope, self-loathing, strength and extreme humiliation makes me want to get familiar with the floor

I want to scream, cry, crawl, tear out my eyes, scratch my skin off my body or kill every form of emotion

Maybe death is a good option

But I’m not strong enough; I’m too weak to accept that way out

The darkness is my confidant, numbness my ally

But I know floating with no willpower will drown me eventually so I desperately cry out for help……….

 

………“Hi, my name is Perfect and I’m an addict!”