2025: My letter to God

 

9.18 am MST, 2nd January 2026.

Day 2.

Thank You for loving me. Thank You that my mind has not twisted. I thank You for every single lesson You teach me, or You permit life to teach me. I am so grateful that You open me up to listen and be corrected. I know my ego gets bruised and I get pained, but I am just so glad I can hear, and I believe that there is always ‘better’ than where I am or who I think I am.
I am sorry for all the times I have challenged You by complaining or wanting things at my own time. I am sorry for questioning Your power and complaining about how You have allowed life to be for me. Yet, I cannot deny Your Hand over my life. I have an unwavering conviction that the reason people can describe me as a strong person is because of You; the power You graciously express through me is what others have come to call strength. Meanwhile, I am being carried. I constantly say that I am a living, breathing, consistent proof of my name- “Aanuoluwapo”, Your Mercies are truly in abundance, and I enjoy it per second.
I have stood in complete darkness and a silence I often described as abandonment, yet You somehow made me know it wasn’t the end. I felt nothing yet somehow still felt You through every dreadful moment.
I thank You for everything I considered a win and those that I overlooked because they weren’t on the list of things I expected or because I was too caught up to be aware of them. Moments you saved my life, snatching me out of the hold of fear and delivering me from self-sabotaging behaviors and selfishness. In moments of anger, I still heard or felt Your Spirit. One thing I will always acknowledge and cherish, is that You often gave me instructions even when I was so angry. Then I would get more upset, wondering why things are being demanded of me in the midst of pain and discomfort. I often saw the essence only in hindsight. I am baffled that I ever forget how Magnificent You are. And how in all the Power You possess, Love is THE anchor. Your Love for me and how You want me to grow in You; it is both tough and soft. There is no plan I may want for myself that would be better than what You want for me. Your desire is good so, how does my limited mind and sight oppose that?
I am sorry for my disobedience- whether I obeyed after kicking and screaming or I procrastinated until it seemed like I ‘spoiled’ the plan, I am really sorry.
Another profound reminder is that You exist outside of time: what massive comfort this brought me when I was prompted. Who sets the boundaries for time? Who gave me deadlines for the things I lament that I ought to have achieved? Remembering this truth is both liberating and motivating- to know excellence is attainable without unrealistic pressure. When You give an assignment or impress a goal upon my heart, You are definitely able and ready to equip me with resources, including time. Time is a tool and not a punishment, I THANK YOU!
Thank You for 2025. Thank You for 2026. I stepped into just another day when the calendar changed; still, I cannot deny the light that came into the year with me. And for that I am eternally grateful. There is no promise of perfection, and the battle may still rage, but I have a renewed persuasion that in You, it’s all alright.

Called to do Hard Things.

 

Image from Bible.art

A quiet character that fascinates me is Salmon, the Israelite, the son of Nahshon. This interest began when I read that he married Rahab the prostitute and fathered Boaz. The Bible introduced us to Rahab when she was spared from the destruction of Jericho because she hid the messengers Joshua sent to spy out the land. “She, her father’s household, and all that she had were spared and she dwells in Israel to this day” (Joshua 6:25), meaning she never left the nation of Israel and became a part of their people. If you recall Old Testament-era Israel, they did not accommodate foreigners especially those from enemy nations like Jericho where Rahab hailed from. Yet according to Matthew Chapter 1 which discusses the genealogy of Jesus Christ, verses 5 and 6 tell us that “Salmon begot Boaz by Rahab, Boaz begot Obed by Ruth, Obed begot Jesse, and Jesse begot David the king.” This was reconfirmed in the book of Ruth chapter 4, verses 21-22. My question is, how did Salmon marry and procreate with ‘Rahab the prostitute’? And did he suffer any criticism for this association?

The demonstrations of our Faith in God often conflict with what society demands; preconceived opinions are revealed by reactions to people’s physical appearances, relationships, life choices, and more. Sadly, some of these expectations are created by Christian circles that mete out the worst judgment when not conformed to. Yet the whole basis of the Christian faith is to Love; to permanently extend an unwavering hand of kindness to those easily tagged ‘Unlovable’.

Salmon marrying Rahab completely liberated her from a life of condemnation, just like what Jesus did for us, taking us from hopelessness to encouragement, from darkness into light. And that’s what we have been called to as Christians, while we may not often be in situations that require us to die literally, we should expect (and I dare say embrace) being inconvenienced to help others live better lives. To sacrifice a meal to help someone hungry, risk our reputation to stand up for someone else, sit on our egos to be instigators of peace and lead the godly way, speak the truth in love even when it’s hard, and more. God still uses what others may condemn to emphasize the power of His Love and forgiveness, demonstrating that there is always an open door back to HIM.

Salmon’s marriage to Rahab must have been a daily reiteration of God’s deliverance, acceptance, and blessing. Salmon was available and obedient enough to be a quiet, faithful, and consistent representation of God’s Love for someone allegedly undeserving. His acceptance opened the door to a new life; a physical manifestation of an opportunity to become a new person- from condemned to accepted, overlooked to chosen!

Though Rahab was described as one who had faith in The God of Israel, I believe because Salmon was honorable, she was empowered to stay in the faith, and till the end of time, she will be known as the woman in the lineage of Christ, who had no business being there. She is even more popular than he is. And as believers, we must love others, away from the spotlight, even when it is difficult, not publicized, or against the norm.

The Bible amazes me often; filled with stories of Redemption and connections strengthened through the power of Faith. As Christians, we need to remember that it's always a good idea to do right by others. With the guidance and strength of the Holy Spirit, we shouldn’t shy away from opportunities to be the bridge of connection in people’s stories of redemption. The darkness is real and heavy, and sometimes our consistency in love and faithfulness is the light that keeps people going.

Ahithophel: The Man who knew it all.

 

Image by Bible Art

    Ahithophel has always been painted as a villain; the bad guy who betrayed King David and supported his son Absalom in the rebellion to take the throne. We have even turned his story into a prayer point, rebuking every spirit of Ahithophel from our lives. It may be valid since no one wants the person who betrays them to get away with it or for the enemy’s plan to succeed. However, the Bible in 2^nd Samuel 16 verse 23 says “Now in those days the advice Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of God. That was how both David and Absalom regarded all Ahithophel’s advice.” He was wise, and his advice was always good so what made him a bad man?

I read an analysis of Ahithophel’s life describing him as a straight thinker, practical, extremely wise, and never opposed. His words commanded immediate action. When he betrayed David and supported his son, it possibly wasn’t a personal attack or emotional decision, it was a logical choice based on his calculations of the outcome of the events. The Bible says Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David’s counselor so it can be assumed that he felt it was time to serve as counselor to a younger king which was better for the country. Though his first advice to Absalom was vile, (which revealed his hypocritical heart) he was giving a factual strategy that would sway the people and strengthen Absalom as king. But when Absalom whom he proudly supported, publicly rejected his counsel, Ahithophel didn’t know how to act, and the humiliation drove him to his death.

The Bible doesn’t give much detail apart from being the king’s advisor, a job he was clearly good at and had become his identity. So, when he felt he had failed, what else was there for him to do? Be a retired advisor to the king? How does that work? In what quarters would he be able to show his face? Since he felt that was the end of him, he went home and killed himself. The Bible in 2^nd Samuel 17 verse 23 says, “When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So, he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.” Another version says, “he set his affairs in order….” Even at the end of his life, Ahiphotel was practical, organized, and didn’t want anyone else in his dealings.

Something happened to me recently that completely bruised my ego, it was painful, and I saw myself recoil from any form of human interaction for the next few minutes. I even caught myself canceling everyone who had a part in the disgrace and how I would stay away from them forever. Thankfully, I have learned to listen to the Holy Spirit when he nudges or speaks so I felt it hard when he brought Ahithophel’s story to mind as I sulked.

At one point, you have been Ahithophel! If you are reading this then shame hasn’t driven you to end your life (which I thank God for) but how many times have you blown a little situation out of proportion because you were ashamed, or your ego was bruised? How many times have you walked away from a friendship, a partner, a deal, a client, or asking for what you want because you didn’t give a second chance to yourself, the situation, or the person? How often have you concluded that there is no recovery from your failure, and you have reached the end of the rope? How many times have you glorified your own wisdom, beauty, or talents, despising others for their lack of or when they questioned you? How many times have you been a weapon someone else had to pray against because you were oppressive with your power, or condescending?

Just like Ahithophel, the disgrace I faced was a case of pride that comes before a fall; I had convinced myself I knew too much, and in my overconfidence, I completely misunderstood what was being asked in a presentation and ended up talking nonsense. The truth is that when I calmed down, the situation wasn’t that bad, and I am glad I didn’t lash out at anyone. I knew it affected my demeanor – I went from being the person whose work was always accepted, who never made a mistake, to one who made a mistake publicly. In Nigerian parlance, it's over-kaku that almost killed me!

Ahithophel’s advice was not bad because the Bible said so. Hushai was sent to delay Absalom’s plans and not to kill anyone. Yes, God was fighting on David’s side and granted his petition to turn “Ahithophel’s counsel into foolishness” (2^nd Samuel 15 verse 31) however Ahithophel finished the plan by killing himself because in his usual pragmatic approach, rejection + disgrace = death. Rabbinical literature captures Ahithophel as a proud man, this same pride that led him to his death.

Please learn to catch yourself whenever you desire to be the center or the one whose opinion stands. Not every straight-thinking process is a solution; be gentle with yourself and others. Jeremiah 9 verse 23 says “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches….” Ask The Holy Spirit to guide your thoughts, help you ‘mix’ grace in your intelligence, and give you godly wisdom (James 1 verse 5, James 3 verse 17).

Be Prepared, Stay Ready

 

Image from stonedcampbelldisciple.com

I have always known the Boys Scout motto as “Be Prepared”, and while it is easy to assume its simple meaning as always being ready, out of curiosity, I googled it to know the organization’s true intent. According to the first chief scout of the movement, Lieut. Gen. Baden Powell C.B. The motto means to always be in “a state of readiness in mind and body to do your duty. To have disciplined yourself to be obedient to every order, and by having thought out beforehand any accident or situation that might occur, so that you know the right thing to do at the right moment and are willing to do it.”

When I read this description, the picture that came to mind was the prophetess Huldah. She was mentioned only twice in the Bible in 2^nd Kings 22 and 2^nd Chronicles 34, and it was the same story told twice. She was a prophet, and some theology says she was the wife of the keeper of the king’s wardrobe. It's safe to assume Huldah had her heart stayed on God’s Word because when King Josiah wanted to know what The Lord was saying, he sent men to inquire, and these men went to Huldah. She immediately answered them with “Thus says the Lord God……” and her words helped the king to repent and destroy idolatry in Judah.

This event is remarkable for me because females were not often publicly regarded in such positions in this era, but the men sent by the king to inquire of The Lord knew she was the one to go to for answers. There were no mentions of Huldah before this event, she wasn’t in the spotlight, dwelled in Jerusalem, and was supposedly always in the temple but they sought her out for the answers they needed.  

The Bible does not specify that they waited days to get her response, when the men came to her for answers, she boldly confirmed God’s word. Huldah stayed knowing the heart of God on matters that directly concerned her or others. Most of us can fall into the trap of being selfish with our prayers, it is not a sin or an intentional action, life happens, and we are stuck on seeking God’s help or opinion about a situation we find ourselves in but as children of God, He will sometimes speak to us or take us through an experience which will be primarily for and about others. Huldah most likely prayed for her country because the king wanted to know God’s decision for the nation and that’s what she told them.

Recently I was speaking to a friend, I do not even recall what led to that topic, but I remember being led to tell him that as Christians we need to learn to sit at the fountain, and not just come occasionally to drink water when we get thirsty. Our Christian walk is a way of life, not a performance. We don’t take off the clothes of holiness to do regular non-spiritual activities. Even in our state of rest or doing mundane activities like eating, chatting with friends, and exercising, God can still reach us, so we must remain in tune with Him and be ready to do what is required.

The message Huldah gave the men who came to her did not just get downloaded into her spirit when they arrived at her place. She knew God’s Word and intentions long before she was asked. I even imagined she may not have been praying when they got to her, the Bible didn’t specify anything about that, but I believe she stayed ready. Just like the scout’s movement says, Huldah was always in a state of readiness in mind and body to do her duty of obeying God. She remained disciplined in every season, she wasn’t caught by surprise, she was willing and did the right thing when the moment came.

I pray we all learn from Prophet Huldah’s life and be prepared for what God wants of us. We should ask Him to help us be open and ready always.

The Reluctant Royal

 

Image from Wikipedia

Ish-Bosheth was King Saul’s fourth son who held the throne for about 2 years after his father and brothers died in battle. Though he held the title, the one who truly had the reins of power was Abner, his uncle, and Commander of the Army. When I read about Ish-Bosheth, what I feel is pity. No one really thinks of or talks about him, besides the few scriptures that describe his experience and death, he isn’t a character we look to emulate. However, can we blame him?

Ish-Bosheth was royalty but not necessarily an heir to the throne, even if God hadn’t moved the Kingship from his family to that of David, he still would not have been king because he had older brothers who were stronger, wiser, and trained for leadership. In 2^nd Samuel 4, he was described to have “lost heart, and all Israel was troubled” after the news of Abner’s death reached him. This showed he was a man who did not like difficulties and was satisfied being in the shadows, hiding at home in times of war, and letting someone else make the tough decisions. It was not hidden knowledge to the nation that he had no strength, even his supposed enemy David acknowledged him as an innocent man.

As a prince, one would have expectations of Ish-Bosheth, but I thought about how family dynamics show up in our lives and if we have any control over it. Not much was said about his upbringing but looking at Saul’s life and stories about kings in those days, we can assume he was neglected, or was expected to be aware because of all he was privy to! Sadly, he also did nothing to make himself better or stronger.

Being Saul’s son held no benefit for him. This emphasizes my constant thought about the non-tangible things we leave for our children to inherit. We rarely think deeply about the effects of our ‘existence’ on our loved ones. Saul probably assumed being king was good enough for his children, I mean being the king's child is hardly a bad idea but sometimes, what we consider good is not the answer to queries your loved ones have.

I promise you that I am not blaming Saul, but lately, I have been burdened with the power of influence by our families and environment in our formative years, and how the person we had to become then impacts who we are as we get older. I constantly feel like I should do better for those coming or growing up around me.

If Ish-Bosheth knew better and was bold enough to refuse the throne, accepting David had already been ordained king perhaps he might have prevented the death of innocent lives lost unnecessarily in battle in the years he was king. Or he might not have been killed and instead shown mercy by David. He died in his home, stabbed, and beheaded by two of his tribesmen, for the simple reason that they believed murdering him would get them favor with David. His 42 years seemed to dissolve like smoke; beyond a few sentences, we know nothing more. It feels like he was a pawn in such a grand game, yet he was royalty. To show he was just a poor guy trying to mind his business, even David called him an innocent man and avenged his death.

We encounter people like Ish-Bosheth in our environment; those we judge doomed, weak, or too shy to stand up for themselves, those with different abilities from what we consider normal, and those who genuinely have never been taught to be and do better. We must be kind! It is not always easy, but it is our responsibility to humanity. Some may argue that Saul’s family was already canceled or hopeless but Mephibosheth, Saul’s grandson enjoyed mercy and prosperity from David. God doesn’t object to kindness (Galatians 5:22 -23) so embrace and spread it. And if they deserve punishment, let God sort them out.

The Quiet Characters

 

My Book of Bible Stories by JW.org

I have used a particular devotional book since 2008, it was a souvenir at a wedding, and I believe that is the best gift I have received for attending someone’s event. It is a book about Bible characters, and it resonates so strongly because I appreciate storytelling; I learn better when I can read, imagine, and take the time to assimilate. Also, the characters are so relatable – flawed and human who made it into the Bible to teach us multiple lessons.

I became curious about some characters mentioned in the book and decided to research their lives and what motivated their most significant actions or inactions. Through the years of reading about these characters, I learn new and different things every time.

A few months ago, I felt the nudge to share lessons The Holy Spirit shows me from the lives of some of these characters. I was reminded about how much reading books like my book of Bible stories as a child and sitting in Sunday school, made an impact. Learning about Enoch, Abraham, Joseph, Mary, and more are priceless lessons I still hold on to and apply in my life. It took a while for me to sit with this thought and know how to go about it. I knew I did not want to repeat the characters or stories that were already well-known, I also considered focusing only on female characters. But today as I read about Ishbosheth, I heard the words ‘Quiet Characters’ and knew what to do.

So begins my series on quiet characters of the Bible: some of which were probably mentioned only once or twice or may not have been considered profound in ways we are familiar with. However, one or more things about them jump at me, and God leads me to share. Since reading about him gave me the kick needed to stop procrastinating, I would begin the series with Ishbosheth.

See you next week.

What do you do when you get what you prayed for?

 

Image from NorthStar Church website

One of my favorite and most relatable Bible characters is a lady called Rhoda. In Acts chapter 12, she joined other Christians to pray that Peter be released from jail. When an Angel set Peter free from prison and he showed up at the house where the Christians were gathered, she was the one who came to the door when he knocked and instead of opening it, she ran away to tell the others. The first time I recall having a 'Rhoda moment', I wondered why I was shocked I received what I had been waiting for.

It’s easy to attribute it to a lack of faith but I realize that while I believe I will get what I want, I feel inadequate to handle it when it comes to me; sort of a fear of how to handle this new thing. What if I can’t maintain this good thing that has come, and I must revert to old ways of lack or life without this gift?

Recently, something I had prayed for and worked hard for came through just as I wanted. I was so stunned; I didn’t talk about it to anyone for a while. I kept checking to reconfirm it was mine. I then began to worry about the changes I would need to make to keep what I had been given. Let me tell you that letting go of the familiar is HARD; I had spent years in a routine that worked for me, and suddenly my boat was being rocked.

I had to admit that life as I operated it would not work for this new gift; I suddenly felt like I had failed. After weeks of sulking, fighting mental battles, and going back to beg God, I was reminded by a friend to be Grateful. Such a common idea, right? Imagine how foolish I felt. And how could I believe I had failed at something I had never done before?

I began to feel better and made a conscious effort to focus on the following:

• No matter how low I feel, I would immediately counter with gratitude, immediately! Trust me, this is an intense mental battle.
• Remember that this was a gift, and my true appreciation would be me stepping up to becoming who I need to be to succeed at this. I may not know how to navigate right now, but I won’t stand in my way so I will learn all I need to.
• Remind me that I deserve this and even when I don’t feel deserving, I have been given anyway so why not just enjoy it? It is alright for me to enjoy good things too.

I am still on the journey to believing I deserve the good I desire, I am thankful for the resilience and discipline to keep going, and I look forward to more Rhoda moments.

Make it to Me

 

A friend once said that life is a stress test. It resonated because he perfectly put the words to how I felt then and how I feel lately. There is always so much going on I often wonder if this is how life should be.

One thing that sticks out the most is how much this affects who I am – my personality, my priorities, my relationships, and my dreams. I look back at who I was years ago, and while I am grateful for some degree of growth, I cannot help but think about all I have lost to be who I am now. 

I think, throughout our lives, we will get to be so many different people in one person. Some tiny parts of your ‘prototype’ can remain as you move forward, while other parts can get lost, and you completely forget you once lived that life.

Through these versions, I have learned to be aware; I ask questions. I mainly ask God, I ask (spelled as judge) myself, and sometimes I have asked those I believed will be honest. At every point, whether I received an answer or not, I am convinced I am not yet who I am.

I am not one to coast therefore, the mental bustle to figure things out can get exhausting. I want to know if there are things I need to do or not. I want to be sure I am not wasting time by making mistakes I cannot recover from. There is also the fear that regardless of my efforts, I may regrettably not make it to who I should be. I think the stress we deal with daily has two purposes – I can either navigate it to help me find my way to myself or to allow the troubles to drift me further away from me (who I should be)

I get reminded that I cannot truly control this journey; I can trust God because He knows what He is doing. Yet, I am convinced I have a part to play- it is my responsibility to make it to me. I have learned that we need to do that every single day – there is no destination of completeness (only in death).

I have experienced that it is easy to get overwhelmed, so we begin to settle for activities that offer temporary relief from what we consider troubles. But these are distractions. These supposed stressful experiences are one of the tools that carve us into the mold we can be. We cannot keep getting in the way and expect things will get or feel better. I used to be so stressed out about why everything requires so much effort until I heard someone say, ‘Effort is the path to mastery’. You cannot know how to handle what you don’t deal with – you only become good at what you do. 

Daily, (even when I have a meltdown) I practice how to have a better outlook on life and to consistently work with the mindset that no matter what, I am being led on a positive path to constantly unfolding a better version of myself. Who we become is not just for personal gain; our lights will inevitably shine for others to partake of. I would very much like to be involved in that process intentionally and maybe even allow myself to look back sometimes and enjoy it. I want to be strong yet soft; I no longer want to be hard and stuck on how difficult things can be.

I pray for direction and the courage to not waste opportunities, and to not try to escape from what I ought to be doing to get me to the version I need to be per time.

Back to Writing and I am Grateful

 

I feel like I betrayed myself for not writing as long as I did. I have so many half-written pieces on my devices, but after months of procrastinating, I am back AGAIN!

I have no plans to be deep- I just want to write and put my thoughts on paper – to feel like I am pulling and loosening the ball of thread inside me. I will write because I enjoy it; I can only get better at writing if I keep writing; therapy reiterated it; and maybe there will be lessons that will be someone’s cup of tea.

So, I resume here on a happy note: focusing on things I am grateful for. About a month ago, I was contemplating if I am genuinely appreciative. If someone did something for me, I would be truly grateful (and mostly shocked that something was given to or done for me). However, I hardly stop to intentionally express gratitude for the seemingly little things that may or may not include others.

Toast-Bread: One early afternoon, I attempted to make myself brunch and decided to toast my bread. While I waited for what I had on the burner to be ready, I dipped a piece of my toast bread in a leftover veggie stir fry before taking a bite, and no jokes, the thought that crossed my mind was “the person who discovered that we could toast bread deserves to be in heaven!” – I mean it is only fair that they are. Yes, I am truly grateful for Toast Bread.

Dry clean floors: this is why bleach is one of my favorite things.

Freshly done pedicure: this is a love language on its own.

Dark chocolate bar: I almost can’t enjoy any other type of chocolate.

Amala when I am hungry and really craving it. The stew was cooked on coal so it has that wood aroma but is so tasty with countless pieces of soft meat. I am eating in amazement and joy, thinking “God what manner of enjoyment is this!”

When I sleep soundly without dreaming or waking up several times (if you have any form of sleep challenges like me, you will understand this)

Full Yoruba Owambe: when I am close to the host so that my table is flowing with milk and honey. The live band must have rehearsed with angels because what is this Heaven-approved praise music making my head swell?

Navy Blue – the color. Just know this color will play a part in my wedding.

Hitting a PR at the Gym: I am looking at this weight and wondering whose hulk Hogan uncle will lift it and then I actually complete the set without breaking a bone or convulsing. The Pride!!

Laughing with my sibling(s): On the night of my father’s funeral, I sat with my siblings and a few loved ones outside the hotel we lodged. We were eating and having a great conversation about everything, and smack in the middle of a laugh, I looked up and realized I was extremely grateful, I almost cried! And then I recognized that there had been other moments like that where life is being what it is; I may be having just a momentary laugh and I would suddenly see that God is good to me because I can still laugh genuinely. Amid pain- something CAN be funny!

Writing: when I start and finish something.

So, cheers to me writing more and may we always recognize things to be grateful for.

The burden of knowing

What do you do with what you know? Things you read, see and hear willingly or otherwise, people you have met, secrets you are privy to, experiences you had to endure, dreams you have had; What do you do with them?

How do we receive? What guides perception through every encounter, the emotions that accompany them, and how do the pieces add up to be considered significant or not.

I often ask, “why?” I do not ask it aloud; it is an internal struggle that sometimes leaves me disillusioned or exhausted while other times I get answers to my queries.

To be honest, I do not know if I believe that everything happens for a reason- there are things I will never understand why I had to be a part of it, were they space fillers, or would I get clarity later. Still, I wonder the reasons for trying to give every event meaning.

We cannot grasp and retain the totality of every encounter; it might kill us to remember every minute detail yet, subconsciously we are a sum of all that goes through us.

I do think knowledge comes with the responsibility we may not always be ready for; I believe we carry experiences on behalf of others and our future selves. With what we know (that has made us who we are), we teach, clarify or confirm prior information – to other people and a later version of ourselves.

Sadly, this may elicit manipulation, perversion, greed, or abuse, yet that was never the intent- it is simply for a transfer of ‘power’ to the one who needs it. A gift available to all but none can take credit for it. The highest level of awareness in humans will still never possess absolute control.

Knowledge meets us but should not just stay with us- we may occasionally miss what is significant due to tiredness, distractions, or just life happening, we need to build the courage that helps us consistently filter, develop, preserve and then pass it on.

So what do you do with all you know? You use it to grow. I sincerely hope we do not miss what truly matters and let life not keep us grounded in detachment and cynicism.  

I do not have a headline

 

Everyone has something they are great at, yet there are subsets in a particular area where you are genius-level and other areas, not so much. For instance, you can be an all-around great dancer, win the world record in break dancing, and then your hips fail at salsa.

I used to think if you struggled with a thing then it was not for you. I mean, that does not make much sense now that I think about it but it was my reality and, I often preserved only if there was a reward (like not repeating a class) if I had to deal with it for just a short period, or when I thoroughly enjoyed the activity and could endure its difficulty.

Now I know almost everything can be learned (except mathematics because I still do not get why they almost used it to kill me in secondary school)

As a writer, I often struggle with coming up with headlines I consider super amazing or catchy. Sometimes I get into a creative zone and I am on fire, other times it’s a painful drag. There are 2, maybe 3 ways I habitually deal with this challenge – I ask someone else’s opinion, I think deeply about what I want to say or I just wing it and hope whoever reads it takes it.

Now, I accept that I can develop a system that induces ideas when I need them. It is possible to live permanently in a creative zone, and it is predominantly rooted in gratitude and confidence. It is honestly not as easy as I make it seem because we get overwhelmed with the vicissitudes of life however, success is achievable.

First, I am more grateful for my abilities – I do not take it for granted that I know how to do certain things well because I do not have a hand in said awesomeness. I simply exist with them, and it’s my responsibility to take care of and make these abilities better if I want. Second, shame shall no longer be a companion – I decide that whatever I produce doesn’t suck, and even if it does occasionally, that’s fine too. I am critical of my mistakes, but I will do it again.

Your zone may not be about creativity and maybe has nothing to do with your profession - people struggle with how to manage an illness, make healthier choices, love others or raise their kids - whatever it is you can learn it, and then you do better.

 And I’ll give you a headline next time, I promise! 😉

A familiar face

Recently a friend asked me what I would consider my greatest regret and I said, “being afraid”. You see fear has been an acquaintance, who has traveled life’s journey with me, making itself available in varying degrees. Through childhood, exams, jobs, relationships, how I show up in the world, and sadly sometimes it’s there even in how I serve God.  

The thing about fear is that it grows, it takes up space the more you allow it, it will clog your mind and attack rational thoughts until you are left with a distorted reality. Though you recognize it yet you do nothing to keep it away. Fear also has messengers, so somethings will appear to validate it.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do- I had always possessed an ability to see and tell a story from experiences and imagination. Recently, I feared I had lost that ability. The trip is that I write for a living yet I managed to convince myself that I am a terrible writer. However, in the midst of the turmoil, I have been haunted with dreams and thoughts of writing. When I use the word ‘haunted’, I know what I am saying, it's everywhere I turn; random encounters and conversations, first few thoughts when I am trying to wake up, social media posts, from the lips of strangers and even my ‘Badassery’ calendar with its inspirational quotes.

When these things show up, I am often armed with a ready excuse – “I am swamped with work”, “I don’t know how to write interesting stuff anymore”, “no one will read it”, “my English is terrible”, “I am not a happy person and it shows in what I write”, “I am too distracted to arrange my thoughts”, and the list goes on and on.

When I run out of these excuses or gather the motivation, the ever-loyal procrastination shows up, so that next thing I know, it's 4 weeks after the day I promised to write. And like clockwork, in strolls self-judgment, condemning me for not keeping my word to myself. It is exhausting I promise you.

On the last day of August, a few memorable things happened to me and I recall thinking I need to do something about how I feel right now. Once again, fear waltzed to the surface as I began to wonder how I would maintain what I considered a good ‘mental space’. Fear does not only project possible doom, you can also be afraid of success or good things – wondering how long it will last and what to do to maintain its consistency. That evening I hung out with a few people and as the night ended, I was given an assignment – TO JUST WRITE! Something honest, even if just three lines, anything at all and throw it into the world.

So this is it, this is my attempt at a comeback. I am still afraid though, I wonder if this is too much or too little. However, thankfully you are reading it. I do not know the direction this will go but I will write, about anything that comes to heart, in whatever capacity and quality of work but I will do this and whatever else I need to….I will do it afraid!

G.M.A

 

“I cannot believe my children will not meet you!”

This is one thought I have almost every day. I feel bad for them, for the greatness they will miss out on.

I always imagined them in your house, learning from you because sadly I don’t know if I have fully understood how to transfer the awesomeness I experienced through you to them.

This life sha!! So for real for 2 years now, I haven’t called your phone to give you gist?!

It’s the weirdest thing not talking to you, we talked ALL the time. So much has happened and I just want to tell you everything.

Recently, I saw a movie on Yoruba African magic and I shook my head and walked away; it was like an unspoken rule that I only watched Nigerian movies with you. If I watched with other people, it wasn’t half as fun because you ran commentary- laughing, shouting, and judging. And if the character you were rooting for in the movie had any positive encounter, you would rejoice as if it was your good fortune.

My new low-budget movie watching partner is M.O and so far she is doing a good job of making me shake my head, LOL!

As I said before, I honestly don’t know what I have done without you these past years. I am sure my siblings feel the same way and I worry about them.

I remember a few hours after you transitioned, I was walking on the road and I saw myself put on armor; like a new journey just began and I was being adorned with the tools for war. Mehnnn!! I don’t know the words to use but just know that I have grown; your kids have all grown! There are so many things I understand better now, and I can’t help but hear your voice telling me things like not to get weary in prayer or to be patient and always “do my own for God!” See ehn, you were a child of God, I can’t even lie! Because if they leave me to roam, I will kill people. Somethings happen and I will be like “this is what Modupe was saying oh!”

I miss you oh! You are the absolute love of my life! I don’t think I will heal from this heartbreak; I am just learning to live with it. I think about you even when I am not thinking, you are like this permanent subconscious event that is stuck with me forever.

My life was altered when you passed; NOTHING could have prepared me for it. Sometimes I feel like maybe it didn’t happen. But it did!

One thing I am most grateful for is that, even in those moments when the wave of grief feels like it is going to stop my heart, I am comforted knowing you are at peace, in a better place away from all the negativity in this world. One day, M.O said, “It’s the person who has passed away that is enjoying!” And I completely agree, I love you enough to release you into enjoyment; that’s okay for me! So keep enjoying my darling!

Mutation

The transformation can be sudden

Or it may be subtle that you don’t even realize what’s happening to you

You become a different person.

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism; succour for the suffering

You may not have any control

Most times it’s absolutely necessary because life had to shift

And it could not have happened with your permission.

Not everyone will see it though;

Often you struggle to remain the same person

It can get exhausting.

Holding on to a version of you that died, a version you are familiar with.

How do you learn to grow when you are already an adult?

I used to say some people never recover from some experiences,

Now I fully understand what that means.

Pain alters you.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am doing but I am grateful……

Truly that’s all I possess….the ability to just look around me and be grateful.

And then maybe have the courage to hope that if I wake up tomorrow, it will be better.

I will get Flowers

The first time I saw the image above, tears came to my eyes; for those who know me I can be dramatic so I had a moment of dropping my phone and leaning back because it hit me. I saw it on Instagram and though the publisher’s caption was talking about being optimistic, the word that screamed at me was RESPONSIBILITY! It is MY job to do the work to see (receive) what I want.

Very recently I have learnt to do; to do for me! Because anxiety, self-criticism and self-doubt are real struggles I deal with; I would often consider so many other things and people before acting. And it’s not like I have lost my kindness to others, I just learnt to be kind to me too.

I have a practice of stopping mid thought and evaluate why I am feeling some type of way; to honestly show myself the root of that emotion and if it is valid. For me this is part of taking responsibility because I have resolved to heal.

It won’t always be earth-shattering or with fireworks; truth is real progress is quiet, lonely and painful like a seed bursting through the soil with force to reach for the surface as a beautiful flower. I am not sure there was ever a flower that grew half way through the soil and said “I am not doing again!” (Even if there was, don’t be that flower).

I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like it’s just made up of chores and continuous efforts to always feel ready for or certain of what should happen.

I won’t lie and say I don’t understand what the first character is saying; I mean “what is funny?” In these 5 months of 2019, I have been stretched beyond what I thought was possible but I also have an unshakeable conviction that only death is final. As long as I have been blessed with the miracle of life, I will consistently take the responsibility to plant flowers; beautiful flowers so that, that is what I will get. Yes, there may be thorns but that’s okay too.

I will get on my knees, get my hands dirty and do the work, and I am sure God will bless it and give me a harvest- a harvest I can share with others who need flowers too.

Modupe

I saw you today

You were laughing and then you raised your hand; the way you raise your hand to half cover your face, then you shake your head slightly as if you can’t believe the ridiculousness of whatever is making you laugh.

That’s how I will always remember you; laughing!

Lately I hear your voice telling me to be patient, you have always told me to be patient even when I never understood why. I would sulk and make a face and then you will laugh.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I was most grateful for about you? I wanted to say everything because that’s the truth and because I had never fully thought about that question. As the lady waited for me to answer, I just knew and I said it out loud “She was never hard! With everything life threw at her, my mother never stopped being soft.”

But you had the greatest strength I had ever seen.

I haven’t been able to write about you; even though I hear writing helps with grief, I haven’t been able to adequately put into words what I feel because I don’t even know.

The day you passed away seated right beside me, I knew I would have given my whole existence just to have you look at me and laugh! Your exit tossed me into a darkness I will never be able to understand; you were my light, you were my anchor, you were my reason.

The weekends are so difficult for me because I always came home to you after a long week but now I have no home.

I am trying to make you proud and I don’t even know what I am doing. I never imagined a life with my kids without you; who will raise them? I already feel like a horrible mother and I looked forward to the days I will leave them in your house because I know you will make them good kids. You always wanted me to get married, Lol! “Anu, where is your boyfriend? Anu, howfar? Anu, you too stop frowning so they won’t be scared of you. Anu you’re too hard. Anu, smile it makes you more beautiful!” And anytime I said a friend was getting married or I had a wedding to plan, you would go on and on in prayer using them as point of contact. Then you will shout at me for not shouting “Amen”.

You never ever made me feel like I was difficult to love; with all my imperfections, I never saw disappointment or exhaustion whenever you had to deal with me. With you I know unconditional love and selflessness. Even when you were worried about my decisions, you spoke your truth in love. I regret the times I fought with you for something you said or did; beyond any doubt, you wanted the best for me.

My Chief encouragement officer! You were the coolest too; some people wondered how I spoke to you as if I was talking to my friend, it’s because you were. I remember you using some of my slangs and I would laugh wondering how I made you say things like that.

Thank you for trusting my talent and always asking me to wear makeup for you. Helping you get dressed for your parties was like our mini-celebrations and then I would wait patiently for you to come back and give me the full gist. Sometimes you will even dance for extra effects while sharing the story!

My birthday is in a few days and I genuinely have NO idea what to do or how I will spend my day not receiving a Birthday Prayer from you. All I want is to be able to talk to you as I have done every birthday since I left boarding house- even then you planned ahead and found a way to send me a card and letter.

Some things are clearer after your passing and some I may never understand but I will always be grateful that I even had you for the time that I did and all you were.

90 days ago, my life changed forever. It feels like I was flung off a mountain and I am yet to hit the ground.

A LETTER

Dear darling,

I have been meaning to write to you for a long time, life has been happening but mainly I have been ashamed and unsure of what to say…….

I am sorry for settling

I am sorry for knowing the right thing and not doing it

I am sorry for accommodating abuse and letting people treat us like we are not great

I am sorry for not being brave even when it was clear that was the solution

I am sorry for being lazy

I am sorry for not believing we could be better

I am sorry for not doing the work

I am sorry for giving in to the lies I told us and lies from others too

I am sorry for closing my eyes to the answers God gave us whenever I asked

I am sorry for abandoning you even when I knew you were relying on me

I am sorry for knowing that the longer I denied ‘our life’ the longer it would take for us to get to that place of being in The Center.

I am sorry for giving in to depression, anxiety and numbness, I really didn’t want to

I am sorry for ignoring you even though technically I couldn’t so I stood with my back to you

I am sorry for stifling our talents and how amazing I know we can be

I am sorry for making us available to be used

I am sorry for throwing away some of our blessings

I am sorry for being so angry

I am sorry for not holding on to God with two hands and heart

I am sorry for being a Yoyo; inconsistent and lacking disciple

But I am Grateful……….

Grateful for the darkness; I can now navigate through it even with little light

I still don’t have it figured out but I think I am more in control

I think this because I tell myself the truth now

I let us grow through the emotions because I am experienced enough to know it is all fleeting.

I am Grateful for the pain; it means I am still alive; we are still alive

I am most Grateful for HOPE; Pure beautiful Hope.

Hope makes me look back and say that experience was so okay that I almost welcome it!

I read somewhere that “Hindsight is Thick skinned”, there is no lie there

People say I am strong but they don’t know the journey to this place.

It doesn’t help that my memory is amazing so I have vivid images of every detail.

It’s easy to rest in shame and self-loathing but I receive enough courage daily to counter these thoughts.

I am Grateful that even though I haven’t figured it all out or gathered all the strength, even though I know there will be future mistakes and I still need so much clarity, I am not afraid.

I am now reminded every moment that we possess the ability to handle.

I love us and how I can now listen when you speak; even though I am stubborn and rebellious, and my mistakes hurt you, you watch me fall and stay in the dirt with me until we rise up again.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not letting me kill you when I convinced myself that was the best option.

Thank you for standing tall with an armor; for being the armor sometimes.

THANK MY DEAR DARLING.

A letter to me, a letter to the girl I used to be, a letter to the woman I was supposed to become, a letter to my soul, a letter to the part of me that is in sync with God.