Stillborn

It was first a thought,

A simple question “what if I brought forth?”

No confidence or certainty, but an ordinary wandering thought

Then days, weeks, months and the simple question took root

The feeling wouldn’t go away and everything in the universe seemed to align with your thoughts

Then you think “maybe I should do this, maybe I can do this, maybe this is what I was created to do!”

So you start asking questions, learning what you can even if you know you can never be fully prepared

You are scared, unsure but you share your plan with a few trusted people

You get mixed responses “Are you ready?”  “Can you do this?” “Wait a few more years!” “Go for it, I wonder what you’ve been waiting for!”  “’ll help you; just do what you need to!”

You tell yourself “you can never really know until you try”

So you conceive! The process of planting the seed was nerve wracking but you did it

And it was exciting seeing signs of change; Facing challenges, getting excited, waking up moody and would just rather stay in bed than face the day yet your heart swells with love and pride

Learning, crying, fighting the voice of reason when you are about to splurge your savings on things you know you can do without but you feel would be a perfect fit

……….then over time the ride of emotions become one straight path of pain

Constant discomfort and exhaustion and you just can’t keep anything going

You struggle through the weeks and months, telling yourself it’s just a bad phase that will pass

“Nothing good comes easy” is your mantra as you drag yourself through every experience

And one day you are left standing over your own blood, sweat, tears and wasted time

As you hold a stillborn in your hands and wonder “Is this really what I wanted?”

“Maybe I heard wrong!” “I gave everything so why did this happen to me?” “I had good intentions and I was diligent with my gift so what wrong turn did I take?”

And your heart breaks; for ‘it’ was deprived a chance to grow, to bring someone else relief or happiness

So you fall into darkness; losing your joy, strength and self-worth

Not able to forgive yourself and face the world

And without knowing where your answer will come, you ask “Would I ever recover from this?”

Burying a child, a dream, a business or a marriage is hard!

I’ll never know the answer to how you’ll remain whole after you’ve put all you are in something that failed, but I’ve experienced hope and I know in time you can get up. The root may spring forth another tree or may stay a stump forever but regardless no loss will kill you.

**The image is of 3 books I bought a few years ago, they represented my dream, my baby. For millions of reasons that I couldn’t handle, I succumbed to a funeral……..however it’s time for Resurrection  ; )