Your win won’t always be their loss

Have you ever wanted so badly to revenge? To see someone who hurt you suffer for what they did to you? And you plan to give that great speech when you run into them or how your successful and glamorous life would make them be ashamed for hurting you or doubting your greatness

Well I’ve learnt that it doesn’t always happen that way and even sometimes when you feel like you’ve won, the person you were trying to get back at may not even be remotely aware they were in any type of contest with you……so painful!

There are very few things on earth that hurt like this; the day you wake up and realize some people got away with hurting you can feel like your last, Lol! I’m laughing at myself now because I can remember vividly one day a very short while ago when I experienced this truth……my feeling of victory and balloon of pride deflated in seconds and the heartache that followed can’t be described……someone, people, life had stolen a lot from me and karma stroke it off her record. To say I cried would be a gross understatement

It was unfair! It is unfair; they should suffer for what they did because you didn’t deserve the betrayal, mockery or theft! And it’s worse when these same people go ahead to thrive and succeed in life when all you want is to see them begging on the streets or simply want them to realize what great treasure they lost when they walked out on you

I know this feeling (and so have some other people I know); I blame myself because I try to be forgiving; not stupid but hopeful that though they’ve hurt me before, they may change and see my worth but they didn’t so I held on to false hope that they would pay for their wrongs which would be the perfect compensation for all I’ve suffered. Looking back now I realize that I saw warning signs but I unconsciously or stubbornly held on to such relationships longer than their death date because I was already hoping an opportunity to ‘show them’ would present itself but sadly that wasn’t to be as such wishes don’t come through…….you may never run into an ex the day you’re looking amazing and entwined with an equally HOT new partner; you may never see them cry after realizing their mistake and it may even be something as serious as you never carrying your own biological child even after people laugh at you for being barren.

In time and if you allow yourself, you’ll move past the hurt, you’ll know what to do and how to respond and there is a reward for not trying to take revenge into your own hands; sometimes all you get is Peace of mind but in due time you’ll realize that’s sufficient.

According to one of my favorite characters in a movie Juanita Sims, “Somebody almost got away with me in a plastic bag…!” Don’t give anyone that chance – to take who you are away from you and turn you bitter. Anger can be comforting; it gives a certain level of strength or numbness that allegedly makes it easy to hold a grudge or plot evil but believe me, it’s always pointless.

Yesterday was my birthday, and from about a week to the day all I could count were my losses including situations that I didn’t win. I asked God questions and condemned myself even more for being so weak; I was eventually reminded about how great my life is and how blessed I am to be celebrating life – some people didn’t live to see my age. I ended up having a great day and I believe that I don’t need to see someone feel like they lost to validate my right choices and assurance that I’m moving towards a better life!

XOXO

**I wish all Nigerians a peaceful election on March 28^th; I pray for peace and joy for this nation, may everyone plotting evil be consumed by it and may the best man win.

Olivia Pope is a Liar

……….and so is Trey Songz

PLEASE! Men and women, there is no Love like the type Olivia and Fitzgerald claim to share. A lot of people believe if it doesn't cause you heart wrenching pain, take you on a wild emotional roller coaster, make you scream, wail, promise to set all humans ablaze until you are physically exhausted and doubt you can live life without the person then it is not true love! Love shouldn't feel like a continuous heart attack please.

This is why a lady will watch a man she is dating, marry another woman but he still comes back to her claiming she is the one he loves and needs so she settles for 2^nd place and even though he treats her like number 1, it doesn't change her status to ‘Mrs’ and she is left being loyal to nothing; and yet the one he doesn’t love produces child after child while you agree to abort the child ‘conceived by mistake’ because it would be “controversial to have a child with her now and what would people say?” Is that righttt?

Love is NOT that hard, dramatic or volatile! It’s not a concept or stray idea you can manipulate or claim to innovate to suit society’s imaginations. Fitzgerald doesn’t love Olivia Pope (neither does she love him) and just because they have been hooked on each other for years doesn’t mean women out there should hold on to hope that the man they love ‘would come home’ Wake up Darling! Writers have got you all twisted around their imaginative fingers and while your lives get ruined, they get more cash in the bank.

This isn’t about the women alone, when you hear or experience some cases and you can’t help but wonder if the man is bound by a spell. 

Because you’ve known each other for years, the sex is great, you’re comfortable with each other, you hang out sometimes and you think alike doesn’t mean ZIT if there are many other things wrong. It may have worked for some couples but are they happy? And do you think it is ok to agree to a forever with someone you’ve given everything and gives you nothing back? And you have your heart in your mouth every time because you fear they can get up and walk away from you and your life will be all over.

Like I always say, I don’t have all the answers and I would never claim not to have been stupid in the past about what I thought love was however I choose not to be ignorant anymore and neither should you. Stop giving people power they don’t deserve and don’t let them spoil your heart till it’s dark, bitter and unable to see the good in the world. If you don’t have a faith that guides you on what true love is then use your common sense and see that SAY YOU LOVE ME + TREAT ME BADLY (consistently causing me pain)= YOU DON’T LOVE ME

C’ est fini!

Stillborn

It was first a thought,

A simple question “what if I brought forth?”

No confidence or certainty, but an ordinary wandering thought

Then days, weeks, months and the simple question took root

The feeling wouldn’t go away and everything in the universe seemed to align with your thoughts

Then you think “maybe I should do this, maybe I can do this, maybe this is what I was created to do!”

So you start asking questions, learning what you can even if you know you can never be fully prepared

You are scared, unsure but you share your plan with a few trusted people

You get mixed responses “Are you ready?”  “Can you do this?” “Wait a few more years!” “Go for it, I wonder what you’ve been waiting for!”  “’ll help you; just do what you need to!”

You tell yourself “you can never really know until you try”

So you conceive! The process of planting the seed was nerve wracking but you did it

And it was exciting seeing signs of change; Facing challenges, getting excited, waking up moody and would just rather stay in bed than face the day yet your heart swells with love and pride

Learning, crying, fighting the voice of reason when you are about to splurge your savings on things you know you can do without but you feel would be a perfect fit

……….then over time the ride of emotions become one straight path of pain

Constant discomfort and exhaustion and you just can’t keep anything going

You struggle through the weeks and months, telling yourself it’s just a bad phase that will pass

“Nothing good comes easy” is your mantra as you drag yourself through every experience

And one day you are left standing over your own blood, sweat, tears and wasted time

As you hold a stillborn in your hands and wonder “Is this really what I wanted?”

“Maybe I heard wrong!” “I gave everything so why did this happen to me?” “I had good intentions and I was diligent with my gift so what wrong turn did I take?”

And your heart breaks; for ‘it’ was deprived a chance to grow, to bring someone else relief or happiness

So you fall into darkness; losing your joy, strength and self-worth

Not able to forgive yourself and face the world

And without knowing where your answer will come, you ask “Would I ever recover from this?”

Burying a child, a dream, a business or a marriage is hard!

I’ll never know the answer to how you’ll remain whole after you’ve put all you are in something that failed, but I’ve experienced hope and I know in time you can get up. The root may spring forth another tree or may stay a stump forever but regardless no loss will kill you.

**The image is of 3 books I bought a few years ago, they represented my dream, my baby. For millions of reasons that I couldn’t handle, I succumbed to a funeral……..however it’s time for Resurrection  ; )

Light took out the Darkness

I’ve learnt so much in the past few weeks, it’s almost hard to keep up because I don’t want to hear and forget and I don’t want to have so much good going through my mind that I would now eventually end up with nothing.

God floored me often, sometimes to save me from my stupid stubborn self and other times just to remind me that HE is the one in control. At first it felt like an attack; too much was coming at me at the same time and I seemed to fail at everything. But in time light got shed on things, and I accepted the need to take responsibility, to desire a fixed heart, renewed mind and understand that it is growth.

I don’t have a creative or artistic way to share my lessons so I’m just going to highlight things (in no particular order) that stood out either for the first time or I was reminded…….

• Most of the time, what we do is wishing and not planning (and even planning needs following action). Nobody hands over red velvet cupcakes to you on the streets with Oreo shakes, if you want those, get into your car (or a bus or taxi) that should have fuel, drive to the shops, bring out your hard earned money, pay for and enjoy these delicacies, then deal with the consequences! It’s not about wishing, it’s a simple calculated process of going forward to get what you want; some of us spend time wishing for a free meal and because we get disappointed so often we begin to blame every other situation and person for our self-inflicted misfortunes when we should have simply got up to either ask for help if we genuinely don’t have (as others can’t read our minds) or gone to get what we need.
• Nobody teaches us how to heal from heartbreak or disappointments; it’s not something that was taught in school and our parents or those in authority over us don’t talk to us about it because it is awkward and sometimes they also haven’t healed from their own past hurt and really you can’t teach what you don’t know.
• Good intentions are not enough to get results – people can’t work with what we keep in our mind or what we say, it’s about what they see us do. Also telling yourself you’ve good intentions won’t move the universe to action…..your faith, consistent positive thoughts and right actions make things align and make others want to run with your vision.
• Good friends won’t always be good – and this is due to different reasons- but don’t let it make you bitter.
• People will forget you and move on and this is because I don’t think there is anyone who can't live without you and you can’t live without.
• Self-motivation is a daily battle, (even the seemingly effortless task of accomplishing a to-do list can make you feel like such a failure at the end of the day, week and month) especially when you feel there is nothing to look forward to; I don’t know the winning strategy, but you have to keep fighting daily. In battle scenes in movies, no one ever lay down on the ground because they were tired, they would either get trampled upon or killed, everyone fought till a man, group or nation killed or conquered the opponent regardless of how long it lasted. This is what being an adult is about, it is a WAR folks!
• We’re afraid to really take the leap of faith, to go all out and do what we really think we were created for or we will be good at. This is often because we are scared we will fail or we are scared we will succeed and then not have the strength to remain consistent; once you do good or great then you need to continue at that pace and higher…….and it never gets easier but it becomes worth it.
• “Be faithful in little” is not a cliché; you need to learn how to be faithful and dependable at various levels. And build your capacity, go beyond your self- imposed limits because truly only those with strong unwavering will power conquer.
• Pain is a good teacher; going through certain trials makes you humble and teachable. I read something years ago “Don’t ask for lighter load, pray for a stronger back” so that’s what I do now and I often come through rough times a better person.
• People are bad with money and integrity isn’t an important value for many; it’s unfortunate and painful but people will continually be unreasonable. It’s either you develop some mechanism that’s convenient for you or just become the person who doesn’t joke with money……like people know if they owe you money they are going to prison or something drastic! Hahahaha!
• Being good pays off, eventually. Just be a good person, no matter what or how it makes you feel or how people take you for granted, REMAIN A GOOD PERSON because being badly behaved is not in your character and you will never be satisfied or happy when acting out or being someone else. And haven’t you noticed how the one time you choose to act out of character you get into more trouble than the person who is badly behaved every day?
• After a while or at a certain age, you can no longer blame your family and friends (or lack of them) for your misfortunes. You need to tell yourself the truth and stop living in a picture you painted that may even have faded; if you ask someone who has been angry for years why they are holding a grudge, he/she may not even remember the main event, all they hold on to is that ‘feeling of offense’ but it’s time to let it go. Sometimes people who hurt you have moved past the whole ordeal; stop holding on to the title of VICTIM, it comes with no rewards.
• It is ridiculously hard (yet POSSIBLE) to forgive yourself- repeated acts or experiences that cause feelings of shame or disappointments can leave you hard and low. It also doesn't help that when you try to heal and move on, your memory and imagination that often failed you in the classroom suddenly goes into over drive, showing you millions of past or hypothetical images. But it is possible to heal, not suppress feelings or use substitutes but to be made whole and not live haunted………it starts with desiring it and believing you’re worth good.

                                                               

My heartfelt prayer for everyone who reads this is that you experience genuine happiness in this year, that you remain hopeful in the face of whatever adversity, that your heart stays pure and untainted by hurt, that you never wish you were someone else and that you break free from any and every type of limitation in order to accomplish your goals.

XOXO

Untitled

Happy New Year, Happy New Month!

I know right……how irresponsible of me after how many months to open my mouth and say that.

But I apologize, look upon my face and have mercy…….I’m mortal and not always such a god as I claim.

The past weeks have been eventful and I’ve chosen to pick my lessons and forge ahead. I shall be sharing in the coming weeks but for now……..enjoy being alive and the gift of having access to a technology device to read this!!!

XOXO