Love Perfectly Wrong

I never noticed you stare

What I sensed was not admiration

I went about my business, being the free spirit that I am, the life of the party.

I have a vague recollection of the first night

But I know something changed, I don’t know when but it did

Took me a while to accept, I honestly couldn’t see what you saw

It was all a joke, something that would blow over

Then we stepped out and became an item nobody could know about

The occasional texts became four hours or more of conversation

You were always there; you slowly became a part of me

You were everything I ever desired, satisfying my hunger, fanning my flames

A perfect representation of guilty pleasure

You were just right; it was hard to believe I was living a reality

I dreamed you, I breathed you, I wanted you so badly even when you were right next to me

But now nothing hurts like the truth,

I’ve crossed the line of denial or self deceit and this one just stares me in the face

Sometimes I wonder how I got here and other times I simply know

At a point I realized what I was doing, but I was in too deep

And even when I hate you I miss you with all of me

The challenge now is how I intend to take the long road back or start from where I stand

Where, when and how would I begin to take the journey to the place I need to be

Mental images, memories I’m trying so hard to erase haunt me

Feelings I’m trying but failing to suppress

Constantly talking to myself that I can make it out of this place I know I don’t deserve but settled for

The painful realization that what I held on to wasn’t really mine

I got lost in the passion and excitement that wasn’t even true

The touch, the hooded looks, the longing behind every handshake and smile,

The secrets, the whispers, wordless screams and unshed tears of frustration

How I became the Queen but without a throne, only allowed to come out at night

A role I fit into quite comfortably

I was not standing alone; there was someone beside me, holding me

The best gift I ever had

But you see, it was an illusion created by me

And it had a price- My Heart

Now I don’t know how I feel

I wish I could switch it off like a tap and just go back to being the strong-no nonsense-almost cynical girl I remember

Why did I let my guard down? It isn’t like I was deceived; I mean there was never a lifelong commitment

Just words that I couldn’t see but held on to like a life line

I want to move from this place

I'm dying to move on

But it’s hard to imagine you not being there

I'm tired of waiting for you to set the right mood

But I'm sick of being led

The guilt I carry has become too heavy

I will never be your number one

And mine won’t come if you are in his space

I gave everything

I was faithful to the wrong person

Sometimes I smile and wonder if things were different

But I’ll never know,

Because you chose her.