I am not my list......at least not really

I am obsessed with lists; it’s a habit I have had for the longest time and with no idea of its root. I always have a notebook or at least a post it pad where I have a list of ‘things to do’; ‘to buy’; ‘to pack’; ‘make sure you don’t forget’; ‘random thought’; ‘things I will like to see or achieve’ and the lists about lists were just endless and frustrating because once I wrote a list, it took up a space in the compartment in my brain labelled ‘Things to accomplish’ and sadly as someone who is driven by results, imagine how I would feel when I did not complete the items on these lists? I was so consumed with the feeling of accomplishment that if I ever did something outside my list, I would feel inclined to write it and then strike it off as an accomplishment for the day.

One day a few months ago, I came across something online about not ‘glorifying busy’ and when I read the article I felt like the author was my spirit; because even though before this day I knew it was a problem I needed to deal with, I could not identify or define exactly what I needed to fix so imagine my shock and relief when someone could adequately put into writing what I could not express.

I decided it was time to take action to fix me; and guess what I did? I wrote more lists on things to do to get rid of my list writing addiction. Do not misunderstand me, I get that it is great to be organized and have plans but not when you are also battling the spirit of procrastination, fear and long periods of no motivation to function! Trust me it was messy and sometimes still gets that way.

I cannot say when I learnt the balance; I am still in recovery but now I know writing and not acting will not automatically make the things on the list go away. I wanted my good intentions and efforts to translate to results and rewards; I wanted progress but there was no way to get that if I had one million lists and nothing to show for it except an untidy handbag and inkless pens.

I still write, I don’t think I can ever stop, that is how I function but now I focus on getting what I want rather than how putting ink on paper makes me feel. I try not to see things as tiresome chores but a means to an end; necessary things that I need to do now that will make my life and the lives of others better; I am also winning my battle with procrastination so no matter how tired I am, I tell myself not getting up to deal now will make things worse and trigger negative effects I can avoid; besides I need to ‘adult’ whether I am in the mood or not. I sometimes ask for help when I truly need to; I also break down my lists into simple achievable goals and then do them regardless of the level of fear that is consuming my mind; what’s the worst that could happen? How would I know what I need to if I don’t try?

So I would keep trying, I may be slow or ignorant or afraid but I will ACT and bask in the  joy that finally my lists will bring the rewards I have always desired and deserved and knowing it was ME who did it!

I wish you a ‘more productive than active’ year!!!😀😀

The opposite of Instagram

One night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to scroll through Instagram and for some reason I came across a lot of couples; various pictures of people and their partners and I thought to myself “how are these people to each other when not on Instagram?” Everyone is well made up (even some men), looking beautiful and dapper, all fresh skinned and flawless but what really goes on when the lights and props are down and out, crew members have gone home and it is just 2 of them?

It led me to think about partners who never completely ‘show’ themselves while dating. I had a friend years ago whose man friend never saw her without makeup!! In my opinion, that is just too much pressure. Besides physical appearance, what true traits do we display? Have you or your partner ever done something months after being together and the reaction is “I am dead! What have I got myself into?” One funny example I have is a friend who didn’t know her then boyfriend had OCD as he lived in a different town and was in for a rude awakening when she stayed over for a few days, she actually confessed to questioning her own cleanliness.

I respect process and how somethings may require time to rear their heads however we should also be honest and admit that we hold back sometimes and live life as if there are always paparazzi at every corner, even inside our houses oh!

I thought about a few things that ‘regular’ people deal with and there is no filter to conceal these matters. I also asked friends who are dating or married;

o   A Female trying to get rid of facial hair – trust me the struggle to get rid of a moustache or under chin hair is real for some of my kind

o   Getting rid of hair in other places you do not want them.

o   Please know that there is no pretty way to bath or shave; all those soap and razor adverts are liars

o   Dealing with unpleasant breath; and not just bad morning breath but that end of the day thing when your partner kisses you after eating all the food in the world.

o   Fart – you may ask is this even a thing to hold back? For some people, yes it is.

o   Eating when you are ridiculously hungry – so years ago I had a crush on a guy and then I saw him eat (guzzle a bowl of food) when he was really hungry! *closes eyes for effects*........ Let’s just leave it.

o   How you behave when you are really hungry and food doesn’t come quick enough; ever seen the meme of a dog looking shame faced with the caption “I am sorry for all I said when I was hungry”? It is not a joke; people are badly behaved when hungry

o   The look on your face when exercising (and out of breathe) or taking a dump

o   Trying to cover up things like stretch marks, cellulites, scars, uneven body parts, love handles and belly folds – please note that your partner also has at least 1 of these and it is NOT a bad thing

o   When your nose, armpit or privates itch – Please what is the neat way of handling this issue?

o   Drooling, talking in your sleep or snoring – this can be very ugly.

o   When you are broke or how you handle money

o   When you are ill – some people change personality and you start to wonder

o   When you are angry – some people are yet to learn how not to transfer aggression or separate events and people, so once their mood changes it is time to run for cover.

These are just a few of the things I could think of; please feel free to share your own ‘reality’ in your relationship.  

Make sure you see your partner on a bad or lazy day- in shorts, rumpled t-shirt, no makeup, unshaved and in an unpleasant situation. Seriously, some people look completely different when they are not all dressed up and arranged. It’s easy to call this being superficial but please be realistic; you have to be sure you are still attracted to the person without their beauty enhancing armour!

Why so Serious?

I recently read some of my old blog posts and notes that never got published and it was a bitter sweet feeling; it made me aware that I had matured but I was a bit sad because I had lost some of my humour. Most of my recent posts are serious and I couldn’t help but wonder why.

I miss the silly girl who imagined funny situations and shared that goofiness; now I express more ‘deep’ issues, sigh! I am an advocate for growth but not when it makes you worry you are losing who you truly are.

This affected my writing because I had almost completely lost how to see the humour in life’s experiences; I was constantly on the edge, looking for perfection in all my work and seeking acceptance from everyone else but myself.

And I forgot why I started this blog which was originally from a happy/positive place. I am not making any promises to start reeling out strictly jokes because truly sharing lessons and experiences was a major motivation for the blog yet I agree that I need to relax! I really do not want to become the cynical aunty acid.

This also reinforced my decision to always write....to document my journey, my vision, and my wins, my questions and even seemingly random things like my list below of things that make me happy I wrote few months ago and found in my notes:  

·         Really good food that makes me dance! Or when I attend an event and I do not have to hustle for everything being served because I know the hosts or the planner is just coordinated like that!

·         Gift of Money *giving God a wiper in praise*

·         New makeup products to play with, especially when I get for a good deal or freebie

·         When my eyeliner wings at first attempt

·         Cinnamon powder in my cereal

·         A Great song: I cannot give example for I am that annoying person who is constantly shouting “this is my jam!!” like who still uses the word ‘Jam’ to describe a great song

·         An amazing movie and just like music I have a LONG list. Then if the movie has a great soundtrack too, dazjuzit!

·         Hotel rooms: I don’t blame some people who live permanently in hotels. There is something about the sheets, bathroom, the cold floor, the amazing white light above the sink mirror that helps me when applying makeup!

·         Coffee: the smell, the taste, the buzz! However you are now an ex I only occasionally visit.

·         Having a ridiculously funny conversation with any of my siblings. They are just the worst!!

·          

***photocredit and shout out to my gurrl Yomi! I was thinking of getting a picture with the Joker and contemplating using it or not, I pick up my phone to reply a message first and there Yomi had JUST uploaded this as her dp!! What other sign did I need really?!

Food = Love

A while ago I woke up to one of those mornings where you just have to constantly psyche yourself to get through so as I sat on the trip to work I decided to focus on the things that make me happy.

As I went through various mental experiences, I settled on food and I caught myself smiling and thinking “food is love”……like seriously an almost perfect expression of love is feeding the other person! Lol

I know I am being judged right now but let me give an example; a few years ago, there was this guy who liked me, he used to make me laugh and genuinely care about my wellbeing but one thing he did that stood out was the fact that he always tried to feed me: if I went to his house it felt like a banquet; if we planned to hang out he would appear with food or initiate an opportunity to get food and not just boring food oh – steak, Chinese food, healthy options too like salads and fruits. Well what else would I call this but a sincere display of love to me! (and it wasn’t juju, stop thinking far)

By the way, it is not only this guy who showed me love through food- I have some awesome friends who cannot hear that I am hungry! Food will sha come out! No matter how cash strapped we are or where we find ourselves we will get food and eat. I have had a friend bring food to me at midnight before because I had to work over night; he brought me delicious home cooked meal. And to prove that I am not the only one who thinks food is an expression of love, some of our other friends believed we were having a coded romantic relationship because he got up from his comfortable bed to bring me food at night! Hahaha!

Really though Food is love, food is loyal and food brings comfort!

Some people may not understand this because we do not often come across people who are genuinely selfless; people hardly give innocently and have perverted  even things as supposedly random as food (which by the way is NOT random at all) The stomach does lead to the heart!

While I was shown love through food, I have also had people who showed me manipulation through food- even the Bible in Proverbs warns us about collecting food from a selfish person because they will never make you forget it. Please ehn I appreciate good food and I refuse to let anyone spoil it for me! Let nothing hook my throat so I don’t want, Thank you!

This line of thought led me to how food can be a metaphor for any type of supply and sometimes people begin to feel the need to take credit and lord over your life when truly God simply used them as a channel to bless you. ‘They’ now make it difficult for some of us to know how to receive without feeling indebted, belittled or undeserving of favours.

Please note that Kindness is not over rated, it still heals hearts; and you do not have to expect reward or reverence when you help another. And to the recipients, while you are enjoying food and favours, please think about paying it forward in whatever capacity you are able to; sometimes just decide to be the person that makes someone feel loved because you fed them.