Fear is ok

Fear is a constant companion

Not paranoia that there is a monster under my bed or behind the door; I have embraced the truth that there are unseen creatures constantly lurking so it’s fine

I mean full blown trepidation that used to completely hinder my life’s progress and because I genuinely believed things ought to be better than they were, I was sad, felt powerless and alienated myself from opportunities; I didn’t feel worthy or adequate

I was often worried about people’s opinion if they heard I tried something and failed so I didn’t go for what I wanted. And even when I succeeded or made progress, I didn’t want to spread the news because I felt it was only a matter of time before I fell back into the dark low place.

Consistency demanded so much more than I was sometimes willing to give.

But I learnt something truly vital; that it is wise to document my wins! Because that is what will keep me going. I am often anxious of the future so I decided to focus and be a good version of myself right now! To be present and deal with my ‘now’ because my daily good ‘nows’ will cumulate and make it somewhat easier to have a good tomorrow as well.

I tell myself “You are an amazing human being not a perfect one; your flaws and failures are part of the package. And being on top today, below tomorrow and then on top again is such a success story in itself that it can actually help others get up too.”

How great does it feel to know your ‘supposedly insignificant self’ helped someone else be significant? This is easier said than done but we truly need to learn how to keep going in spite of all.

I have had days of lying down in the dark, with absolutely no strength to cry. I have been so cynical to man and God that I was filled with shame when I recovered and wondered how God forgave me with all the things I allowed dwell in my mind. I have questioned my faith and love and heart and wished for death more times than I would like to admit – for myself and for others.

I have seen good things happen to me yet in the process of celebrating a voice would rise up in my head telling me how I shouldn’t be happy because it will be short lived and almost instantly I would forget my blessings and become afraid or moody for no reason.

It is not a good life to live and I did it for too long but I have decided to stay on the path of recovery; to act in spite of my fears, to learn what I do not know, to get up yet again no matter how many times I lapse and to not look at other people’s journey while I am on mine.

The beautiful truth is in all that darkness, the stars still shone!  

Peace is Power

PEACE

noun \ˈpēs\

Definition

1 a. freedom or a period of freedom from public disturbance or war

   b. a quiet and calm state of mind

   c. agreement and harmony among people

2. From the Hebrew word ‘Slm or Shalom (שָׁלוֹם) which means “to be complete” or “to be sound”

3. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

I crave peace; I am so attracted to calmness, the pull amazes me

I really became aware of this recently and I love it although sometimes it scares me because when all is calm, I sometimes fear it would soon get ruffled and I am anxious and defensive.

I also noticed a few more people in the universe are becoming aware of this as well; I told myself a few times that I wanted to write down things I was learning about peace but I kept stalling and then one day I go trolling on Instagram and boom, about 1 million (I exaggerate) people had something to say about Peace. Once again, I was reminded that The Source doesn’t drop ideas into the heart of only one person per time. And that we truly attract what we focus on. So rather than get upset and lose my peace, I embrace and enjoy the knowledge shared.

I am going through a transition; it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I feel so unsettled but I am learning to find peace in all the chaos. It is not the easiest thing because panic and anxiety are the default setting but I realised that when I can finally settle and breathe I can focus on the hope that is lurking; and then I find the strength to continue.

I have experienced and decided that in peace, I am able; I have an ability to function, to control my wandering emotions and thoughts in order to make progress.

And I stand now with the truth that this Peace that is beautiful and so empowering, is not an external force I have to toil for but it already resides inside of me; I just needed enough challenges to reveal what is truly important; frequent feelings of being overwhelmed and the realisation that my solutions will not be presented to me by other humans and physical possessions.

For all of life’s unpleasantness and the battles on their way, at the end of each one, Peace will be one of my rewards! 

In Love and in Light

A few years ago I experienced somethings that I could best describe as darkness; one day in this period I was asked to pray in a gathering and I found myself asking God to give us Light, to just flood His light into all the darkness. That was how I felt then, and recently the same feeling has tried to return.

I say tried because I have learnt and grown enough to understand that darkness WILL ALWAYS give way to Light and it is my responsibility to ensure this; sitting in a dark room and wishing for light won’t cause it to come but rather I have to walk to flip the switch or at least put on a candle or a torch light or open the windows to cause natural light in.

And sometimes this light we feel we need is simply an awareness; just to know more. I think of the scripture “Hosea 4:6a (NKJV) – My people are destroyed for lack of Knowledge…….” and I know I have been a victim of this, like I have literally just lost because I didn’t know enough due to immaturity, pride or laziness to do what was necessary.

I recognize that sometimes we genuinely have no control, we are overwhelmed, have no form of direction and just exhausted from all of life’s demands but this phase eventually transitions into another one. In reality, you may transition into what feels like ‘another phase of war’ and you wonder when you will catch a break and then after time passes you look back and realise you survived.

I like to document my lessons through different experiences or phases; some take longer that others to imbibe; some I forget and overtime some change or become ‘expanded’.

ü  I have learnt to stop seeing my daily expectations/responsibilities as stressful tasks but as me being consistent in the right habits and activities.

ü  I chose to love me; and to protect my peace and self-worth

ü  I chose to consistently educate myself enough to know who I am, what I desire, what I deserve, what I am ignorant about, what I need to fix and how to treat others.

ü  I know that I have everything I need; don’t be so shallow to limit this to just physical things. I know it’s hard to understand or explain or accept but it is a truth I am learning to embrace. Reach within; deep enough and you will find what you are looking for.

A few weeks ago, I created and posted the image above on Instagram (change my typo from “does” to “those”, sorry I was excited) and in the caption I said “Because this is real life. And sometimes it will be more than one war at a time. Negotiate with yourself because there is ALWAYS enough inside to keep you going! Remember on bad days that you have already been built for this. You'll look back and smile, through the stress, scars and tears, you WILL”

The truth is a few minutes before I did it, I was sitting on my bed, looking out the window totally exhausted and wondering if I would survive that evening! Then from nowhere I started talking to myself……scratch that…….it felt more like someone started talking to me because the voice was so sure of herself, extremely confident, strong and filled with LIGHT; a light that had gotten rid of darkness.

ü  The physical is almost insignificant compare to what we do not see- this deserves its own post.

ü  I am learning to resist being static even in the midst of chaos or fear; I must go on

ü  Joy and Strength are not mutually exclusive- haven’t you noticed when you have genuine Joy you can just function?!

ü  I am never left completely empty or alone or disadvantaged – I ALWAYS have something left; something that will restore or comfort or sustain me to the next point.

ü  Have Courage – this is so vital and is a continuous process of acceptance.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently” - Maya Angelou

2 Timothy 1:7 New Living Translation (NLT)

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

Willing to share Highlights

It is not news that I like Makeup and I like writing too

I try but fail sometimes to combine both though I have done so in the past.

It’s one of my dreams to teach makeup to ‘normal’ people……what I mean by normal is regular everyday people who want to look nice and presentable and not collapse under the pressure of the perfect chiseled face and surprised eyebrows we are consumed with from social media.

So when a writer I admire asked that I do a makeup tutorial for her blog, I was first afraid and then decided to share what I know and do it anyway! So please go on to www.chiomah.net  and read about ‘Highlighting’ your face!

And I hope it’s easy enough for a normal person to follow ;  )

I appreciate your opinion so come back here to comment or ask beauty related questions! Thank you

I think I talk too much

I do not mean being a chatter box and just disturbing everyone’s peace but I mean constantly saying what is on my mind or asking questions

And it has got me in trouble or being misunderstood.

I hate assumptions so if there is something in my head, I think it is only right that I ask or state it so I can have understanding and know how to act rather than sit down, thinking and guessing what the truth could be.

When I am stuck in this place of not being sure if I should say anything it completely unnerves me and I have no peace. And when I feel the peace I crave being threatened I recoil; from the person or the situation.

I realised this is normal with a lot of people; not willing to talk and just let things slide which I think is immature and frustrating. I used to hate confrontation but I see now that it wasn’t addressing people that worried me, it was being able to get my point or enquiry across clearly without being offensive or misinterpreted.

I was talking about this with a friend and I asked her if it was possible this was a problem peculiar to people of my nationality? Or were people that way all over the world? Not willing to talk and express their truth? So they send mixed signals or display various negative emotions without even being conscious and considerate of it.

I think it is weakness or laziness because when you get a vibe or you are unsure of what to do, it requires that you take the time to think objectively, honestly, to be sure of what you do not understand, how it makes you feel and also what you want so that your questions and conversation will bring you the answers and clarity you desire and by effect peace in your relationships.

While I typed this post, I took a break to scroll through Instagram and I found a quote by Alicia Keys talking about how she no longer wants to cover up who she truly is; so maybe that is my same dilemma, maybe I am too open and I expect same from people; there is no need to keep anyone guessing or confused, there is no gain in that!

I want to know where I stand; with friends, as I handle daily deliverables at home, at work, in my business dealings and even with my partner. If another person can give me answers then I will seek; I think it should be that simple so why do people prefer complicated?

I am not here to play

I have never been that person…

Even when I was young and I was allowed to play, I didn’t

I am not the girl you keep at the phone waiting for no reason just to receive your call.

I am not the girl who you say ‘A’ to and act out ‘B’

I am not the one you keep waiting.

You do not try to push butterflies down my throat, into my stomach and then make me vomit them.

I am not the one you keep guessing because you will be disappointed.

It may seem like I am playing along but I am watching silently while you teach me the art

So by the time another of your kind comes along, he doesn’t even need to speak before I know what he is made of.

I am not the girl whose love you awaken or trust you claim to want and then can’t handle it when I give you a preview.

I do not know in between; I swing between ‘I like you’ and ‘I have no regard for your existence’

This comes in varying degrees but never a perfect blend to accept your idiocy.

I have a low threshold for deceit regardless of who is trying to dish it out to me.

I do not hold a grudge if you genuinely have no interest in what I am about

But darling do not feel the need to hold on to my precious time just to massage your ego, you may end up hurt!

I am alone not lonely and I didn’t ask for your help!

I am awesome……a beautiful expression of the good in your life.

I am peace…….bringing calm, joy and a break from your chaos.

I am solid…….the unwavering solace you fall back to when you are in over your head.

I am magnificent……appealing, warming your senses, fanning your flames.

I am wisdom…..protecting your throne as King.

I am the armour bearer……covering your vulnerability, fighting your demons.

I am NOT the one to mess with, do not pervert my powers.

I will always flow with life yet do not feel the need to make the job of tending harder for he who is worthy.

I did not offer you anything, you came to seek and I convinced myself you were deserving of the gifts.

I am not your mother; you did not come to me as a child therefore I have no responsibility to nurse you.

I am willing to share but kindly grow up and earn these blessings; we do not cast pearls to swine or wear diamonds on children.

So get serious, MAN UP or piss off!!! Thank you very much.

Mirror Mirror

“Do you look into the mirror?”

That was the question he asked me…..a young man about 14 years old; I had never seen him before and I probably would never see him again.

I dreamed of him, he was short for his age, dark skinned and very neat.

He was told to speak or sing to me but as he opened his mouth that question came out and it took me all of three seconds to understand what he was saying…….

“How do I see me?”

And my answer was “I don’t”

I couldn’t even speak out so it was more of an affirmation spoken to myself.

I feel I do not know what people see when they look at me because I do not have an image of what I want them to see.

It goes beyond if I am beautiful in their eyes; I have no concerns about my face

It runs deeper than that!

I am learning not to let people’s opinions bother me yet I am responsible enough to recognize that no one should associate me with negativity and bad behavior.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask random people what they think of me or what I need to fix.

Then I realized you can never get to that place of being ‘complete’ or ‘enough’ for everyone and at all times.

Recently I told a group of friends that I am evolving and I feel like I need to protect that process and who I am becoming. However a few minutes before I made that statement I couldn’t define what I felt I was going through because I was more frustrated than satisfied.

But it made me feel really good that I now had some sort of understanding of what was happening.

I have grown; and I still have a lot more growing to do because a few years from now I will probably be a totally different person from who I am today. The uncertainty scares me but I am expectant; and I know I won’t be alone because there are a few people who know me and love me from my roots not just the face I show them.

So I will do what the young man in my dream asked, I will look into the mirror more because the answers, the healing and the power I often seek are already inside me – this I know and I am starting to believe for real!