I am not here to play

I have never been that person…

Even when I was young and I was allowed to play, I didn’t

I am not the girl you keep at the phone waiting for no reason just to receive your call.

I am not the girl who you say ‘A’ to and act out ‘B’

I am not the one you keep waiting.

You do not try to push butterflies down my throat, into my stomach and then make me vomit them.

I am not the one you keep guessing because you will be disappointed.

It may seem like I am playing along but I am watching silently while you teach me the art

So by the time another of your kind comes along, he doesn’t even need to speak before I know what he is made of.

I am not the girl whose love you awaken or trust you claim to want and then can’t handle it when I give you a preview.

I do not know in between; I swing between ‘I like you’ and ‘I have no regard for your existence’

This comes in varying degrees but never a perfect blend to accept your idiocy.

I have a low threshold for deceit regardless of who is trying to dish it out to me.

I do not hold a grudge if you genuinely have no interest in what I am about

But darling do not feel the need to hold on to my precious time just to massage your ego, you may end up hurt!

I am alone not lonely and I didn’t ask for your help!

I am awesome……a beautiful expression of the good in your life.

I am peace…….bringing calm, joy and a break from your chaos.

I am solid…….the unwavering solace you fall back to when you are in over your head.

I am magnificent……appealing, warming your senses, fanning your flames.

I am wisdom…..protecting your throne as King.

I am the armour bearer……covering your vulnerability, fighting your demons.

I am NOT the one to mess with, do not pervert my powers.

I will always flow with life yet do not feel the need to make the job of tending harder for he who is worthy.

I did not offer you anything, you came to seek and I convinced myself you were deserving of the gifts.

I am not your mother; you did not come to me as a child therefore I have no responsibility to nurse you.

I am willing to share but kindly grow up and earn these blessings; we do not cast pearls to swine or wear diamonds on children.

So get serious, MAN UP or piss off!!! Thank you very much.

Mirror Mirror

“Do you look into the mirror?”

That was the question he asked me…..a young man about 14 years old; I had never seen him before and I probably would never see him again.

I dreamed of him, he was short for his age, dark skinned and very neat.

He was told to speak or sing to me but as he opened his mouth that question came out and it took me all of three seconds to understand what he was saying…….

“How do I see me?”

And my answer was “I don’t”

I couldn’t even speak out so it was more of an affirmation spoken to myself.

I feel I do not know what people see when they look at me because I do not have an image of what I want them to see.

It goes beyond if I am beautiful in their eyes; I have no concerns about my face

It runs deeper than that!

I am learning not to let people’s opinions bother me yet I am responsible enough to recognize that no one should associate me with negativity and bad behavior.

Sometimes I am tempted to ask random people what they think of me or what I need to fix.

Then I realized you can never get to that place of being ‘complete’ or ‘enough’ for everyone and at all times.

Recently I told a group of friends that I am evolving and I feel like I need to protect that process and who I am becoming. However a few minutes before I made that statement I couldn’t define what I felt I was going through because I was more frustrated than satisfied.

But it made me feel really good that I now had some sort of understanding of what was happening.

I have grown; and I still have a lot more growing to do because a few years from now I will probably be a totally different person from who I am today. The uncertainty scares me but I am expectant; and I know I won’t be alone because there are a few people who know me and love me from my roots not just the face I show them.

So I will do what the young man in my dream asked, I will look into the mirror more because the answers, the healing and the power I often seek are already inside me – this I know and I am starting to believe for real!

Just embrace it

So it’s almost my birthday and because it is supposedly a ‘milestone’ age a lot of people have been asking me what is happening or how I feel and the likes.

Honestly, I do not know; I do not feel bad or scared and as usual I feel no extra excitement to make noise about it and the likes. I do hope to receive gifts though so my wish list is available.

I have been thinking a lot lately (which honestly is something I do excessively anyway) and one thing I do know is that I am old- not in a bad way but I am aware that I have aged not necessarily because of the number of years I have spent on earth but the quantity of things I have experienced and I know.

Maybe in an attempt to trivialize this growing old/entering my thirties matter, I told myself that it was just my body entering its 30^th year and wondered how a 30 year old ‘body’ should look. But it occurred to me, that to have spent that number of years on this dusty earth mehnnn I am doing ok oh! Really like count 30 years of food (good and bad), water, tears, laughter, pain both physical and emotional, dirt, rain, sun (killer heat), cold, hunger, illness and injuries, medication, human beings’ lies, deceit and disappointments, contact with other bodies, near death experiences &struggles and the list just goes on and on and on; I cannot help but be grateful to God because I know people whose bodies didn’t get the chance to celebrate 30 years on earth.

As humans we have been blessed with the gift of ‘mending ourselves’ and that consoles me at such a time as this, Lol!

I have no birthday blues and I have no intentions of letting anything or anyone upset me; truth be told there are a lot of things that I do not yet know and I do not yet have however I am grateful because it could have been worse.

I recognize that I existed before my body and when the body’s time here is up, she shall go and part ways with me who existed before her.

One of my favorite movies is “Death becomes her” starring Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn (google is ya friend if you do not know it) and I must admit I do not blame them for trying so hard to remain youthful and beautiful forever; you have no idea how scary it is to watch your body try to catch up with the being who existed before you. I have never been one to hide my age yet you don’t know the joy I feel when I ask people to guess my age and they call a figure younger than I am – whether they are lying or not, I believe them! Finish!

My birthday 2 years ago, a friend of mine prayed for me that I will age gracefully, my mind, my health and physical appearance; it was such a sincere prayer I think I believed he genuinely cared for me after that day and I also believed his best wishes for me without a doubt.

But unlike Meryl and Goldie’s characters in the movie, I know there is more to life than physical appearance so I am grateful that there is still a streak of vanity in me: that I have the luxury of thinking of my looks and I am not a victim of some of life’s unfortunate events like homelessness, hunger and mental instability which would have rendered me so low that how I look would not even be a thought!

So today I celebrate life and I celebrate the gift of aging!

*** the first image is a card I fell in love with and had to buy

What do you want?

That is one question a lot of us have failed woefully to answer; we spend day after day which eventually leads to years and we complain and decide that life has been so difficult and we are stuck at the same level and never achieving any of our dreams

Two months in the ‘new year’ have passed and while most of us started the year with a desire to make positive changes, we are still standing empty and slowly getting frustrated but the truth is do we know what we want?

A lot of us will shout “YES” because we have day dreams; seeing ourselves as we drive that nice car or laughing our hearts out at a joke your amazing new partner just cracked or being promoted at work and earning more money however what do you want?

Think about it, how do you want your life to be today? Tomorrow? And the next 4 or 10 years? Do you have a detailed picture in your mind or written in a book? Do the choices you make today in anyway lead you ……anywhere at all or you’re just ‘living in the moment’ and rolling with the days.

I recently went through this painful analysis and I learnt the truth that I have good intentions but that is it! Just plain good intentions for myself, my family, even the company I work and as a citizen of my country however I have no plans! No concrete plans that I have developed, re-structured, been consistent with and seen come to pass. And so I have been angry with myself and my own indiscipline for years but I don’t know why I didn’t do anything about it. I mean I prayed and acted right (MOST of the time) so why wasn’t that enough for my intentions to manifest into reality?

And I came up with the following answers:
- I did not have a clear, unshakeable, convincing vision of what I wanted; yes, I wanted a good life but ‘good’ is vague! And relative too. So even when an opportunity for ‘the good life’ came, I missed it.

- The times I eventually had some sort of plan, I gave up too easily, I wasn’t consistent and generally didn’t believe in myself enough to just fight for what was in my heart/mind.

- I was lazy and lacked discipline; seriously, like for NO reason I can define I will waste time or procrastinate my day away.

- I was afraid and allowed past disappointments to leave me in doubt of my abilities; I just always had a story for why I would fail even before I started and felt like my heart won’t take another break. And sometimes I was afraid because I knew the hard work and consistency that went into maintaining success and progress.

It is one of the most difficult cycles to be in: to know you SHOULD do something about where you are but then you don’t so you end up so mad with yourself when nothing has been accomplished then you sink into this dark place which just makes you  more weary and depressed so STILL you do nothing. It’s like an alcoholic who gets drunk to forget how messed up their life is and then when they get sober, are so disappointed with themselves they get drunk again in order to forget and numb the emotions; it’s just a vicious cycle of pain.

Like the video above (which I unashamedly got from the Notebook movie), we have no idea how badly the people connected to us feel when we are constantly clueless or making excuses; when we just remain static and over time become such angry or dejected individuals and in effect frustrate them too and in some extreme cases lose a loved one because they cannot just keep waiting for us to get it together!

We need to just STOP! In the midst of life’s madness and decide to know what we want. So when things get tough, when you lack peace, when you have no money, when people throw rubbish at you, you can STAND firm and KNOW what you are working towards. Stop blaming your lack of talent or opportunity, those are not even factors that matter.

You can’t keep sending out mixed signals and then expect anyone to trust you completely to deliver! Everyone wants loyalty and consistency; no matter how much they like you, people will be scared that you may bail and then few years down the line you realize you have lost important relationships; it is painful to realize that it is your fault that you are alone.

I read in a book that the “The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.”

So please go ahead and decide what you want! Really think about it, “What do I want?” A ridiculously hard question yet NOT impossible to answer! And when you figure it out as well, you’ll see it is not impossible to attain too!

** God has NOT given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of Courage, Love and Self-discipline.

And this is my sincere prayer for you: that you grasp, accept and apply this truth as well as get the strength to follow through every single day! May you not record a loss or mourn because you didn’t get up and get it together, AMEN.

Hey you

You need to get it together; because there is nowhere else to go but up

Aren’t you tired of being down? What else is down there for you?

No one understands again because they all got up and left you there.

You forget so easily and that is your greatest problem; your mind….

And how you allow yourself believe so many lies.

No force in this universe is on your side until you show who the boss is.

You think ‘they’ are considerate of how much you have going on? Trust me if you succumb to the pressure and give up, that works just fine because that’s one less great person to deal with.

Learn to mend yourself because nothing external can fix you; it starts from within.

DECIDE to have Courage! That’s the foundation for consistency.

In spite of fear, challenges and setbacks, GET BACK IN THE LANE!

What do you think you are here for? Why do you think you haven’t taken your last breathe?

There is MORE than how you feel right now.

Why are you waiting for help? It won’t come because you don’t need it,

You need to stop being sorry for yourself and rise out of your head.

Adversity will come; people will take you for a fool sometimes because your heart is good; they will steal from you under the guise of familiarity; they will say and do things that hurt; they will leave you and with all your good intentions you may sometimes reap evil instead.

But STAND; Stand STILL and be SURE of who you are,

Because you are ENOUGH!

You are ENOUGH; good the way you are and it is NO fault of yours when people behave badly, it is a reflection of themselves and their experiences and NOT yours so you don’t have to deal with that. Your looks, your knowledge, your laughter, your talent, your heart is and will be enough; not for everybody though but be aware and accept that it is enough.

Some people will never like you or accept you and that is FINE! This is painful especially since you may like them, or trust them or believed they have something to offer you; male or female relationships?! Let it go if it is causing stress and not peace or progress.

Regardless of what you experience do NOT be selfish, greedy or inconsiderate; they are some of the worst flaws and do NOT make you feel better about yourself.

Be careful how you make people feel; you may genuinely be better than them but only because you are to help them! Never feel the need to make fun of others or make them feel less than they are; NO ONE including you on your most confident day likes to feel or be treated low or with no regard.

And ‘learn’ how to forgive…..I say learn because I know this is one of the hardest things to do. Most of the time we think we have forgiven a hurt but we haven’t so we let go of people but not let go of the events when it should be the other way round. Also learn to forgive yourself, because everything you did you knew, and your choices brought you to where you are now but as long as it didn’t kill you then you have been blessed with the chance to fix or change things.

Contentment and prudence are keys to peace when it comes to finance and material things; I’m not saying you shouldn’t desire more but beyond self-comfort, understand your motive.

There is no greater magnet for MORE than Gratitude: even the universe will fight in your favor when you constantly express sincere gratitude for ALL you already have.

There will be more to learn simply because your experiences will make more lasting impressions than my words……..and when that still, sure, all-knowing voice speaks please listen, HE is never wrong, never! HE doesn’t even know how to be. 

Equation or Experience?

“……It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found……” John Nash

I doubt that I have ever been in love, in retrospect maybe I have been in lust, or in complete delusion, but not sure about love. I mean I don’t exactly fancy anyone I have dated in the past so is it possible that the ‘Love’ I had for them died? Does love die?! Well that is conversation for another day.

I blame this on the fact that I am yet to adequately receive or understand love for what it truly is.

The quote above is from ‘A Beautiful Mind’ a movie about the life of 1994 Nobel Prize in Economics winner, John Nash; I think you should google/YouTube his speech at the end of the movie when he made that statement; for me I gathered that HIS experiences made him conclude that Love, though mysterious and unexplainable actually gives balance and essence to life (and maybe validation for all our hard work).

I wrote ‘HIS’ in capital letter because it was a personal conviction moulded by life’s trials and tests which he survived because he had and experienced LOVE; Love had been a solution, soothing his fears and helping him fight his demons. Love was a first-hand experience of peace after the storm, provider of strength in his weakness and cheerleader when his self-esteem was below zero.

It did not need to be heart racing, stomach twisting, every day beautiful and rosy, we-need-to-breathe-eachother-kind; it was simply an Anchor, a Companion at ALL times- Good and Bad!

I believe in Respect, Friendship, Trust and Commitment; I once told a group of people that I didn’t need to be in love to get married. All but one person thought I was crazy and was only saying that because I was ignorant or cynical. Well I stated my case and we all agreed to disagree.

I’ve seen too many victims of love; and before you start helping me imagine how I have lived a bitter life, no thank you very much, I have had my fair share of disappointments however I am not in any way an ‘angry woman’ rather one open to learn and develop a healthy understanding. I genuinely do not want a perverted view of what I will be sharing with one person for the rest of my life- that’s too long a time to be miserable.

Some may argue that well the character of study here didn’t have all the ‘wisdom’ at the beginning of his marriage/relationship, yes I know but I can bet his partner was already a great supporter, she showed respect for him, was committed to what they shared and she also had faith and believed in him and THEM (mutually and as individuals).

I don’t believe in you waiting for another human being to bring all the solutions to your problems but when you decide to be with someone, definitely you do not want to take a leap into sinking sand; No matter your partner’s own convictions and background, they should bring some level of peace and not stress to the life you intend to share. 

Like I never fail to say, I don’t have all the answers but I try to keep an open mind and my few years interacting with humans have taught me that you can’t make choices based on the butterflies in your stomach because they will die; I have seen that people change; I have seen people genuinely believe they loved someone but didn’t; that most of us are selfish and indecisive and inconsiderate of the consequences of our actions on other’s hearts; that there is a popular expectation/image by the world of what love is however this is the death of most of us and that though there are no rules, we are ever led by our intuitions and innate convictions in matters of the heart yet often fail to listen.

**I genuinely hope we have the courage to follow through when we are shown what to do – in relationships and all life’s events.

**Your opinions matter (most times) so kindly comment ; ) Thanks

I had ice cream yesterday

……and the day before that

 

What makes this information special is because I’m trying to be on a diet and I’ve built a slow yet steady healthy pattern for a while

But I failed the past days- no form of exercise and I piled on the calories

I have an excuse – it started with a bad day…..

It was more like a series of unfortunate events and rather than vent or do something drastic to cool off, I settled for ice cream

When it was over and I started getting a tummy ache, I realised the folly of my action

I was even too ashamed to work out and jump off what I had consumed

So I fell into a shallow darkness (shallow because I slapped myself out of it) and it made me think about how we ‘act out’ and generally misbehave while blaming our lack of self-control on -“I had a bad day!, “I’m depressed”, “Ï am already fat so why try?”,  “I’m ill so let me just indulge today”, “I’m desperate and there is no time”, “It’s not my fault things are like this”, "people are so inconsiderate"- and then engage in baseless activities that can only beget feelings of shame and failure.

Well I’ve come to realize the hard way that it’s all a heap of horse manure when we indulge in things we know have negative consequences; when we go back to a habit we have been delivered from or generally express some form of bad behaviour because we’re upset: who told you that the universe and her inhabitants care that much about your bad day or life? That is not sufficient to make silly decisions that affect your progress and maybe selfishly affect others. 

Do you think we’ll understand why you yelled at a genuinely irritating potential client in a moment of frustration; why you threw that phone against the wall in the presence of people; why you broke that man’s side view mirror even though he deserved it and sometimes we even go as far as throwing caution to the wind and call that ridiculous person from your past because you’re bored or sad or you feel they would make you feel better……FOUL! You just opened the door for a domino effect of more horse manure!!

No excuses, if you’re having a bad day, suck it up! I don’t intend to be smooth and diplomatic, this is me talking to myself and anyone else who reads this; we already possess the strength to say NO to what would make us hang our heads a few minutes, hours or days’ time. We are not children who can get away with throwing an occasional tantrum, sulking or be pampered with candy when something unpleasant happens. This is real life and we’re expected to take responsibility – there MAY be exceptions but sometimes these exceptions become an upward review in dress size 6 or 9 months later, or that drunken text produced you a crown of friend with benefit or needing an AA meeting and that potential client you yelled at completely destroyed your reputation on Instagram or that person whose window you broke becomes your future in-law (extreme I know) but nothing is impossible here!

Just calm down! Seriously! Decide and carry out realistic steps to try solve whatever the problem is and if you need a break, develop some other healthy activity to distract you – Pray, sleep, eat an apple, sing, go dancing or walking, watch a movie, call a good old friend, call your mother, stay at the office and finish everybody’s assignment for them (Lol) ANYTHING BUT stupid behaviour you will regret later. All the Best!

By the way, I’m yet to fully recover from my fall but I don’t intend to be down any longer…..this post was my first point of liberation! And thank you for coming back after so long to read……. XOXO