Make it to Me

 

A friend once said that life is a stress test. It resonated because he perfectly put the words to how I felt then and how I feel lately. There is always so much going on I often wonder if this is how life should be.

One thing that sticks out the most is how much this affects who I am – my personality, my priorities, my relationships, and my dreams. I look back at who I was years ago, and while I am grateful for some degree of growth, I cannot help but think about all I have lost to be who I am now. 

I think, throughout our lives, we will get to be so many different people in one person. Some tiny parts of your ‘prototype’ can remain as you move forward, while other parts can get lost, and you completely forget you once lived that life.

Through these versions, I have learned to be aware; I ask questions. I mainly ask God, I ask (spelled as judge) myself, and sometimes I have asked those I believed will be honest. At every point, whether I received an answer or not, I am convinced I am not yet who I am.

I am not one to coast therefore, the mental bustle to figure things out can get exhausting. I want to know if there are things I need to do or not. I want to be sure I am not wasting time by making mistakes I cannot recover from. There is also the fear that regardless of my efforts, I may regrettably not make it to who I should be. I think the stress we deal with daily has two purposes – I can either navigate it to help me find my way to myself or to allow the troubles to drift me further away from me (who I should be)

I get reminded that I cannot truly control this journey; I can trust God because He knows what He is doing. Yet, I am convinced I have a part to play- it is my responsibility to make it to me. I have learned that we need to do that every single day – there is no destination of completeness (only in death).

I have experienced that it is easy to get overwhelmed, so we begin to settle for activities that offer temporary relief from what we consider troubles. But these are distractions. These supposed stressful experiences are one of the tools that carve us into the mold we can be. We cannot keep getting in the way and expect things will get or feel better. I used to be so stressed out about why everything requires so much effort until I heard someone say, ‘Effort is the path to mastery’. You cannot know how to handle what you don’t deal with – you only become good at what you do. 

Daily, (even when I have a meltdown) I practice how to have a better outlook on life and to consistently work with the mindset that no matter what, I am being led on a positive path to constantly unfolding a better version of myself. Who we become is not just for personal gain; our lights will inevitably shine for others to partake of. I would very much like to be involved in that process intentionally and maybe even allow myself to look back sometimes and enjoy it. I want to be strong yet soft; I no longer want to be hard and stuck on how difficult things can be.

I pray for direction and the courage to not waste opportunities, and to not try to escape from what I ought to be doing to get me to the version I need to be per time.

Back to Writing and I am Grateful

 

I feel like I betrayed myself for not writing as long as I did. I have so many half-written pieces on my devices, but after months of procrastinating, I am back AGAIN!

I have no plans to be deep- I just want to write and put my thoughts on paper – to feel like I am pulling and loosening the ball of thread inside me. I will write because I enjoy it; I can only get better at writing if I keep writing; therapy reiterated it; and maybe there will be lessons that will be someone’s cup of tea.

So, I resume here on a happy note: focusing on things I am grateful for. About a month ago, I was contemplating if I am genuinely appreciative. If someone did something for me, I would be truly grateful (and mostly shocked that something was given to or done for me). However, I hardly stop to intentionally express gratitude for the seemingly little things that may or may not include others.

Toast-Bread: One early afternoon, I attempted to make myself brunch and decided to toast my bread. While I waited for what I had on the burner to be ready, I dipped a piece of my toast bread in a leftover veggie stir fry before taking a bite, and no jokes, the thought that crossed my mind was “the person who discovered that we could toast bread deserves to be in heaven!” – I mean it is only fair that they are. Yes, I am truly grateful for Toast Bread.

Dry clean floors: this is why bleach is one of my favorite things.

Freshly done pedicure: this is a love language on its own.

Dark chocolate bar: I almost can’t enjoy any other type of chocolate.

Amala when I am hungry and really craving it. The stew was cooked on coal so it has that wood aroma but is so tasty with countless pieces of soft meat. I am eating in amazement and joy, thinking “God what manner of enjoyment is this!”

When I sleep soundly without dreaming or waking up several times (if you have any form of sleep challenges like me, you will understand this)

Full Yoruba Owambe: when I am close to the host so that my table is flowing with milk and honey. The live band must have rehearsed with angels because what is this Heaven-approved praise music making my head swell?

Navy Blue – the color. Just know this color will play a part in my wedding.

Hitting a PR at the Gym: I am looking at this weight and wondering whose hulk Hogan uncle will lift it and then I actually complete the set without breaking a bone or convulsing. The Pride!!

Laughing with my sibling(s): On the night of my father’s funeral, I sat with my siblings and a few loved ones outside the hotel we lodged. We were eating and having a great conversation about everything, and smack in the middle of a laugh, I looked up and realized I was extremely grateful, I almost cried! And then I recognized that there had been other moments like that where life is being what it is; I may be having just a momentary laugh and I would suddenly see that God is good to me because I can still laugh genuinely. Amid pain- something CAN be funny!

Writing: when I start and finish something.

So, cheers to me writing more and may we always recognize things to be grateful for.