The burden of knowing

What do you do with what you know? Things you read, see and hear willingly or otherwise, people you have met, secrets you are privy to, experiences you had to endure, dreams you have had; What do you do with them?

How do we receive? What guides perception through every encounter, the emotions that accompany them, and how do the pieces add up to be considered significant or not.

I often ask, “why?” I do not ask it aloud; it is an internal struggle that sometimes leaves me disillusioned or exhausted while other times I get answers to my queries.

To be honest, I do not know if I believe that everything happens for a reason- there are things I will never understand why I had to be a part of it, were they space fillers, or would I get clarity later. Still, I wonder the reasons for trying to give every event meaning.

We cannot grasp and retain the totality of every encounter; it might kill us to remember every minute detail yet, subconsciously we are a sum of all that goes through us.

I do think knowledge comes with the responsibility we may not always be ready for; I believe we carry experiences on behalf of others and our future selves. With what we know (that has made us who we are), we teach, clarify or confirm prior information – to other people and a later version of ourselves.

Sadly, this may elicit manipulation, perversion, greed, or abuse, yet that was never the intent- it is simply for a transfer of ‘power’ to the one who needs it. A gift available to all but none can take credit for it. The highest level of awareness in humans will still never possess absolute control.

Knowledge meets us but should not just stay with us- we may occasionally miss what is significant due to tiredness, distractions, or just life happening, we need to build the courage that helps us consistently filter, develop, preserve and then pass it on.

So what do you do with all you know? You use it to grow. I sincerely hope we do not miss what truly matters and let life not keep us grounded in detachment and cynicism.  

I do not have a headline

 

Everyone has something they are great at, yet there are subsets in a particular area where you are genius-level and other areas, not so much. For instance, you can be an all-around great dancer, win the world record in break dancing, and then your hips fail at salsa.

I used to think if you struggled with a thing then it was not for you. I mean, that does not make much sense now that I think about it but it was my reality and, I often preserved only if there was a reward (like not repeating a class) if I had to deal with it for just a short period, or when I thoroughly enjoyed the activity and could endure its difficulty.

Now I know almost everything can be learned (except mathematics because I still do not get why they almost used it to kill me in secondary school)

As a writer, I often struggle with coming up with headlines I consider super amazing or catchy. Sometimes I get into a creative zone and I am on fire, other times it’s a painful drag. There are 2, maybe 3 ways I habitually deal with this challenge – I ask someone else’s opinion, I think deeply about what I want to say or I just wing it and hope whoever reads it takes it.

Now, I accept that I can develop a system that induces ideas when I need them. It is possible to live permanently in a creative zone, and it is predominantly rooted in gratitude and confidence. It is honestly not as easy as I make it seem because we get overwhelmed with the vicissitudes of life however, success is achievable.

First, I am more grateful for my abilities – I do not take it for granted that I know how to do certain things well because I do not have a hand in said awesomeness. I simply exist with them, and it’s my responsibility to take care of and make these abilities better if I want. Second, shame shall no longer be a companion – I decide that whatever I produce doesn’t suck, and even if it does occasionally, that’s fine too. I am critical of my mistakes, but I will do it again.

Your zone may not be about creativity and maybe has nothing to do with your profession - people struggle with how to manage an illness, make healthier choices, love others or raise their kids - whatever it is you can learn it, and then you do better.

 And I’ll give you a headline next time, I promise! 😉

A familiar face

Recently a friend asked me what I would consider my greatest regret and I said, “being afraid”. You see fear has been an acquaintance, who has traveled life’s journey with me, making itself available in varying degrees. Through childhood, exams, jobs, relationships, how I show up in the world, and sadly sometimes it’s there even in how I serve God.  

The thing about fear is that it grows, it takes up space the more you allow it, it will clog your mind and attack rational thoughts until you are left with a distorted reality. Though you recognize it yet you do nothing to keep it away. Fear also has messengers, so somethings will appear to validate it.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do- I had always possessed an ability to see and tell a story from experiences and imagination. Recently, I feared I had lost that ability. The trip is that I write for a living yet I managed to convince myself that I am a terrible writer. However, in the midst of the turmoil, I have been haunted with dreams and thoughts of writing. When I use the word ‘haunted’, I know what I am saying, it's everywhere I turn; random encounters and conversations, first few thoughts when I am trying to wake up, social media posts, from the lips of strangers and even my ‘Badassery’ calendar with its inspirational quotes.

When these things show up, I am often armed with a ready excuse – “I am swamped with work”, “I don’t know how to write interesting stuff anymore”, “no one will read it”, “my English is terrible”, “I am not a happy person and it shows in what I write”, “I am too distracted to arrange my thoughts”, and the list goes on and on.

When I run out of these excuses or gather the motivation, the ever-loyal procrastination shows up, so that next thing I know, it's 4 weeks after the day I promised to write. And like clockwork, in strolls self-judgment, condemning me for not keeping my word to myself. It is exhausting I promise you.

On the last day of August, a few memorable things happened to me and I recall thinking I need to do something about how I feel right now. Once again, fear waltzed to the surface as I began to wonder how I would maintain what I considered a good ‘mental space’. Fear does not only project possible doom, you can also be afraid of success or good things – wondering how long it will last and what to do to maintain its consistency. That evening I hung out with a few people and as the night ended, I was given an assignment – TO JUST WRITE! Something honest, even if just three lines, anything at all and throw it into the world.

So this is it, this is my attempt at a comeback. I am still afraid though, I wonder if this is too much or too little. However, thankfully you are reading it. I do not know the direction this will go but I will write, about anything that comes to heart, in whatever capacity and quality of work but I will do this and whatever else I need to….I will do it afraid!