Keep it simple

I thought ‘deep’ or ‘complicated’ was better so I often desired to be perceived that way. I have been described as ‘intelligent’, ‘wise’ or having ‘more to me than what I revealed’ yet that wasn’t sufficient; hence there was constant turmoil between who I thought I should be and who I truly am.

I like simple; simple is stress-free, at least eventually because life may not always be easy but we can function in simplicity. I like straightforward honest expression of thoughts; easy conversation; no games or guessing in friendships or romantic relationships; simple personal style; simple work so even though I can be a workaholic once I find something I enjoy, I do not need anyone to stress or micro manage me into delivering my responsibilities.  I even like simple ‘beauty’ and makeup application which turned out to be a bit of a problem considering I am a makeup artist in Nigeria where the industry and most of its stakeholders do not accept simple.

So for years I craved more because I felt simple wasn’t enough; it affected my writing style, my conversations, my business dealings or pursuit,  the knowledge I searched for and the relationships I tried to establish and keep which ended because I felt they were false or forced.

Thankfully, through a long process of self-discovery and acceptance which is still on going, I decided that I would stick with ‘simple’ because that is me. I stopped to think that where did my pursuit of complicated get me? Seriously where were my rewards for being so ‘deep’? I could be my person and there will still be room- and acceptance- for what I have to offer in and through every aspect of my life.

And I also learnt that people actually do like simple too; they think they like deep and unearthly or grandiose but they like simple just like I do. Or maybe they feel their accomplishments and results can only be validated by complex efforts. I mean the occasional drama and mountain shaking moments do not hurt because they may be fun or scary or can’t be controlled but that’s what makes life, life! So they like simple but they think it is not enough.

I have followed a particular French blogger for years and after a while I stopped keeping tabs; I got distracted or I got bored with her but recently I stumbled upon her twitter handle and decided to go to her blog and after a few reads I knew she too had gone through a process of growth. So I renewed my vow to her; she had gone through her process of wanting more or perhaps thinking she was enough and then completely losing herself. But she was back and better and reading a few of her posts that gave me this insight, kind of gave me clarity to be able to explain my own experience too.

I have come to accept that it is a never ending journey; I am learning to be bold again (I say again because I once was) because that’s part of simplicity; like ask questions if I don’t know; say no when I have to; say yes when I want it; learn from others; to be consistent and focus on the main goal rather than on complex methods that leave me frustrated.

This is not permission to be lazy; being weak-willed and lazy would not help us to learn, to grow, to cut off what doesn’t serve us and to be courageous enough to stand for our ‘simple’ whether it is popular or not. For ‘simple’ is beautiful and peace of mind is crucial.

I Fight for My Mind

One statement I make often in the place of prayer is “God, Thank You that I have not lost my mind!” because I know that is quite easy to do. Everything we go through is a form of contention for the peace that is so pertinent for progress to take place. The mind is a blessing and a curse; I have died a thousand deaths in my lifetime because I genuinely felt like that would be a solution to its tumult. In recent times, I have learnt not to desire this ‘death’ for I see now the calm I seek is not in death but in ‘control’. I also think that is the difference; the thin line between mental wellness and illness. This has made me more sensitive to those suffering mental illnesses (which note are not only those roaming the streets naked).

I think it is the minds natural disposition to be unsettled; it also does not help that there are forces that are by default designed to oppose the harmonious working of our mental faculties and space. Google says our mind includes “our consciousness, perception, thinking, judgement, and memory”. And it “holds the power of imagination, recognition, and appreciation, and is responsible for processing feelings and emotions, resulting in attitudes and actions.”

I have experienced countless times, my memory working against my better judgement therefore I lose a good thing because I convinced myself that a past hurtful event will repeat itself in my present or future. I have experienced someone else’s perverted perception of affection and now I have to live through almost a lifetime of self-loath, blame, shame and regret which has made my appreciation or acceptance of love queer. And do not even get me started on my imagination; often diverse, colourful and limitless but I have been told I am unrealistic and weird which initiates lasting negative emotion so there is so much ‘FULL’ in me but I cannot express so what am I to do with all that? And then the attainment of what we conceive success to be; where did that come from? And why does anxiety or fear take no permission before they sit there and ruin my life’s every action?

My life has not gone as planned and I do not know what to do so I pretend that I am fine. I mean how does one confess to being clueless about everything? Religion teaches us to be content but even God knows and promises that there is more so why the disparity? I was told I have to struggle but for what? The work and causes I have taken up in the past, left me more disappointed and faithless; discouraged to involve myself in another but I am tired of being stagnant. And it is hard to admit that I get jealous when I see other people work at something and seem to impart and succeed so where did I get it wrong?

I am afraid to be completely unashamedly honest; I am at the risk of being mocked or taken for granted or labelled. People often misunderstand my genuineness and intentions no matter the mode of dissemination or how I arrange my words. I see honesty is now the well painted picture a person replays often enough until it becomes their reality yet that is not me.

If I cry, they will call me weak. If I want to be alone, they will say I am a snob or socially awkward or I have changed and if I just decide to stay in my mind, I fear the demons I have to fight there so where really is there peace? Sometimes I wonder what the peace that comes with dying feels like but I am not courageous enough to take my own life. And I also believe murder is a sin that guarantees an eternity in hell.

I am yet to fully attain the ‘control’ I mentioned but I know I am on that journey; I get the feeling it will be long and my only recommendation for those who seek same is to get in there and FIGHT!; Fight because your life does depend on it; don’t let ‘them’ win. Fighting can include facing the demons, the memories and the thoughts; praying your heart out to God daily; speaking to a professional who can help; crying and venting then getting over it. But I know that the flip side of the mind which I called a blessing is its amazing ability to heal itself; to open itself up to the light that can dispel the darkness of the curse. Only the mind can heal the mind! Those who have mastered the control are those who are tuned in more to the Light than the darkness; who recognise when the darkness comes knocking and no matter the threats, can subdue it by simply staying in the light.

And so I pray that EVERY moment of your life, no matter what you are experiencing, you remember that you already have the power; you can and you will reach for and dwell in the Light, for that is where peace resides, not perfection but peace! And that is enough for now