I miss smiling; like a genuine smile that comes from your feet and passes through your body, exploding through your heart and shows forth on your lips but your eyes carry all the shine; the type of smile that people ask you “what is funny?” or “What is doing this one?” The type of smile that you can’t explain yet you know it in your mind that the sun is shining and that’s good enough for you.
I miss writing; I miss being overwhelmed by an
emotion and pouring it out through my fingers, typing or writing on ‘paper’ for
others to read and maybe feel what I did too (or criticize me but at least they
read it)
**To those who check my
blog often I’m truly sorry I haven’t posted in a while, forgive me.
I miss spreading out my makeup, basking in the
euphoria of having so much colour and products around me then sweeping my magic
brushes across someone’s face; making her even more beautiful. I miss the joy
that glows, when she can’t put down the mirror because she can’t believe the
confirmation of her beauty in her reflection.
I miss ‘easy’; when I didn’t worry a guy was
playing me or trying to waste my time; when I could actually enjoy watching a
movie without being afraid of how those two hours could be used for something
else; when I didn’t worry that a friend wasn’t loyal; when I didn’t worry about
being able to WIN!
I miss being able to enjoy the rain and appreciate
how it helps things grow but rather I worry how I would get wet on my way to
work because I don’t have a car; I miss being able to eat my favourite things
without worrying of the consequences and I miss being able to pray, to think
with a clear mind and not be consumed with negative thoughts of my
unworthiness.
And although I don’t remember the process but I
know for a truth a slow and firm change occurred and stole me away. I allowed
life and its inevitable experiences to make me forget that despite all, I AM
BEAUTIFUL; me and all that I am about. Not just the physical or superficial
beauty but one that can be described as ‘good spirit’.
I told a friend recently “Everything is trying
to kill you! Even the person inside you is trying to kill you!” He laughed and
didn’t agree but that is exactly how I felt at the time; something was really
trying to stifle me and kill me before I was truly dead.
So I’m re-learning to smile and not worry about
what the next person thinks of my bent big front tooth, Lol! I’m re-learning
that bad situations and feelings don’t last that long except I choose to nurse
it and grow it till I can’t control it.
I’m re-learning to simply enjoy how expressing
my talents bring joy to others. I’m learning how to enjoy rides in a taxi or
commercial tricycle (Keke) because at least I don’t have to walk such long
distances (and believe me almost all Keke drivers are ridiculously funny)
because I can afford transportation.
I’m also re-learning to get up and DO WHAT NEEDS
TO BE DONE!! NOBODY is to blame for what did or didn’t work out. To stop
contradicting myself; to stop being dramatic about my experiences and to FOCUS
on the right thing per time.
I talk to myself a lot more nowadays; I tell
myself that I’m doing ok…..actually I’m doing great. If I could just RELAX,
know what is right for me and go for that; and above all God loves me; I forget
that too often so I settle for what I think is good enough for me, ignoring
what is the greatest.
The old me isn’t dead; we’ve met a few times recently
and she is still the coolest and a little crazy! Lool! But she is older, wiser,
stronger and yes STILL very beautiful with a healthy ego too!
