Fear is ok

Fear is a constant companion

Not paranoia that there is a monster under my bed or behind the door; I have embraced the truth that there are unseen creatures constantly lurking so it’s fine

I mean full blown trepidation that used to completely hinder my life’s progress and because I genuinely believed things ought to be better than they were, I was sad, felt powerless and alienated myself from opportunities; I didn’t feel worthy or adequate

I was often worried about people’s opinion if they heard I tried something and failed so I didn’t go for what I wanted. And even when I succeeded or made progress, I didn’t want to spread the news because I felt it was only a matter of time before I fell back into the dark low place.

Consistency demanded so much more than I was sometimes willing to give.

But I learnt something truly vital; that it is wise to document my wins! Because that is what will keep me going. I am often anxious of the future so I decided to focus and be a good version of myself right now! To be present and deal with my ‘now’ because my daily good ‘nows’ will cumulate and make it somewhat easier to have a good tomorrow as well.

I tell myself “You are an amazing human being not a perfect one; your flaws and failures are part of the package. And being on top today, below tomorrow and then on top again is such a success story in itself that it can actually help others get up too.”

How great does it feel to know your ‘supposedly insignificant self’ helped someone else be significant? This is easier said than done but we truly need to learn how to keep going in spite of all.

I have had days of lying down in the dark, with absolutely no strength to cry. I have been so cynical to man and God that I was filled with shame when I recovered and wondered how God forgave me with all the things I allowed dwell in my mind. I have questioned my faith and love and heart and wished for death more times than I would like to admit – for myself and for others.

I have seen good things happen to me yet in the process of celebrating a voice would rise up in my head telling me how I shouldn’t be happy because it will be short lived and almost instantly I would forget my blessings and become afraid or moody for no reason.

It is not a good life to live and I did it for too long but I have decided to stay on the path of recovery; to act in spite of my fears, to learn what I do not know, to get up yet again no matter how many times I lapse and to not look at other people’s journey while I am on mine.

The beautiful truth is in all that darkness, the stars still shone!