I am not my list......at least not really

I am obsessed with lists; it’s a habit I have had for the longest time and with no idea of its root. I always have a notebook or at least a post it pad where I have a list of ‘things to do’; ‘to buy’; ‘to pack’; ‘make sure you don’t forget’; ‘random thought’; ‘things I will like to see or achieve’ and the lists about lists were just endless and frustrating because once I wrote a list, it took up a space in the compartment in my brain labelled ‘Things to accomplish’ and sadly as someone who is driven by results, imagine how I would feel when I did not complete the items on these lists? I was so consumed with the feeling of accomplishment that if I ever did something outside my list, I would feel inclined to write it and then strike it off as an accomplishment for the day.

One day a few months ago, I came across something online about not ‘glorifying busy’ and when I read the article I felt like the author was my spirit; because even though before this day I knew it was a problem I needed to deal with, I could not identify or define exactly what I needed to fix so imagine my shock and relief when someone could adequately put into writing what I could not express.

I decided it was time to take action to fix me; and guess what I did? I wrote more lists on things to do to get rid of my list writing addiction. Do not misunderstand me, I get that it is great to be organized and have plans but not when you are also battling the spirit of procrastination, fear and long periods of no motivation to function! Trust me it was messy and sometimes still gets that way.

I cannot say when I learnt the balance; I am still in recovery but now I know writing and not acting will not automatically make the things on the list go away. I wanted my good intentions and efforts to translate to results and rewards; I wanted progress but there was no way to get that if I had one million lists and nothing to show for it except an untidy handbag and inkless pens.

I still write, I don’t think I can ever stop, that is how I function but now I focus on getting what I want rather than how putting ink on paper makes me feel. I try not to see things as tiresome chores but a means to an end; necessary things that I need to do now that will make my life and the lives of others better; I am also winning my battle with procrastination so no matter how tired I am, I tell myself not getting up to deal now will make things worse and trigger negative effects I can avoid; besides I need to ‘adult’ whether I am in the mood or not. I sometimes ask for help when I truly need to; I also break down my lists into simple achievable goals and then do them regardless of the level of fear that is consuming my mind; what’s the worst that could happen? How would I know what I need to if I don’t try?

So I would keep trying, I may be slow or ignorant or afraid but I will ACT and bask in the  joy that finally my lists will bring the rewards I have always desired and deserved and knowing it was ME who did it!

I wish you a ‘more productive than active’ year!!!😀😀