A familiar face

Recently a friend asked me what I would consider my greatest regret and I said, “being afraid”. You see fear has been an acquaintance, who has traveled life’s journey with me, making itself available in varying degrees. Through childhood, exams, jobs, relationships, how I show up in the world, and sadly sometimes it’s there even in how I serve God.  

The thing about fear is that it grows, it takes up space the more you allow it, it will clog your mind and attack rational thoughts until you are left with a distorted reality. Though you recognize it yet you do nothing to keep it away. Fear also has messengers, so somethings will appear to validate it.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do- I had always possessed an ability to see and tell a story from experiences and imagination. Recently, I feared I had lost that ability. The trip is that I write for a living yet I managed to convince myself that I am a terrible writer. However, in the midst of the turmoil, I have been haunted with dreams and thoughts of writing. When I use the word ‘haunted’, I know what I am saying, it's everywhere I turn; random encounters and conversations, first few thoughts when I am trying to wake up, social media posts, from the lips of strangers and even my ‘Badassery’ calendar with its inspirational quotes.

When these things show up, I am often armed with a ready excuse – “I am swamped with work”, “I don’t know how to write interesting stuff anymore”, “no one will read it”, “my English is terrible”, “I am not a happy person and it shows in what I write”, “I am too distracted to arrange my thoughts”, and the list goes on and on.

When I run out of these excuses or gather the motivation, the ever-loyal procrastination shows up, so that next thing I know, it's 4 weeks after the day I promised to write. And like clockwork, in strolls self-judgment, condemning me for not keeping my word to myself. It is exhausting I promise you.

On the last day of August, a few memorable things happened to me and I recall thinking I need to do something about how I feel right now. Once again, fear waltzed to the surface as I began to wonder how I would maintain what I considered a good ‘mental space’. Fear does not only project possible doom, you can also be afraid of success or good things – wondering how long it will last and what to do to maintain its consistency. That evening I hung out with a few people and as the night ended, I was given an assignment – TO JUST WRITE! Something honest, even if just three lines, anything at all and throw it into the world.

So this is it, this is my attempt at a comeback. I am still afraid though, I wonder if this is too much or too little. However, thankfully you are reading it. I do not know the direction this will go but I will write, about anything that comes to heart, in whatever capacity and quality of work but I will do this and whatever else I need to….I will do it afraid!