One of my favorite and most relatable Bible characters is a lady called Rhoda. In Acts chapter 12, she joined other Christians to pray that Peter be released from jail. When an Angel set Peter free from prison and he showed up at the house where the Christians were gathered, she was the one who came to the door when he knocked and instead of opening it, she ran away to tell the others. The first time I recall having a 'Rhoda moment', I wondered why I was shocked I received what I had been waiting for.
It’s easy to attribute it to a lack of faith but I realize that while I believe I will get what I want, I feel inadequate to
handle it when it comes to me; sort of a fear of how to handle this new thing.
What if I can’t maintain this good thing that has come, and I must revert to
old ways of lack or life without this gift?
Recently, something I had prayed for and worked hard for
came through just as I wanted. I was so stunned; I didn’t talk about it
to anyone for a while. I kept checking to reconfirm it was mine. I then began
to worry about the changes I would need to make to keep what I had been given.
Let me tell you that letting go of the familiar is HARD; I had spent years in a
routine that worked for me, and suddenly my boat was being rocked.
I had to admit that life as I operated it would not work for
this new gift; I suddenly felt like I had failed. After weeks of sulking,
fighting mental battles, and going back to beg God, I was reminded by a friend
to be Grateful. Such a common idea, right? Imagine how foolish I felt. And how
could I believe I had failed at something I had never done before?
I began to feel better and made a conscious effort to focus on the following:
- No matter how low I feel, I would immediately counter with gratitude, immediately! Trust me, this is an intense mental battle.
- Remember that this was a gift, and my true appreciation would be me stepping up to becoming who I need to be to succeed at this. I may not know how to navigate right now, but I won’t stand in my way so I will learn all I need to.
- Remind me that I deserve this and even when I don’t feel deserving, I have been given anyway so why not just enjoy it? It is alright for me to enjoy good things too.
I am still on the journey to believing I deserve the good I desire, I am thankful for the resilience and discipline to keep
going, and I look forward to more Rhoda moments.